Saturday, March 31, 2007

Back in West Side Sussex

Olright mate. Hello, I aint blogged since Wednesday, a gap in blogging like that implies I've been so busy and had a hectic few days that I haven't found time in my probably busy schedule to blog, that or I've been dossing so much now that term has ended I've just not had anything to blog about. I got thrown (not physically) when a pizza delivery man started a conversation with me yesterday, I'm southern damm it, I'm not raised to be friendly to strangers! See what I mean from a dull trival anecdote from yesterday, it has been busy slash dossy depending on which testimonial of events you believe.

Well you might be able to deduct from the blog title that I'm no longer in that university town, I'm back sussex, near Gatwick, but not that near, otherwise I'd be hearing planes go over loads, that or we have quintriple double glazing or summat. I'm a bit bored already, I'm just waiting for Doctor Who (did you know that it's back? I'm loving the lack of publicity it's getting). I hate packing because there's always that feeling I've forgotten something, today was no different, half way down the M4 I remembered my lack of packing toilettries, I didn't realise I'm slightly posh and will say "Oh crap I've forgotten my toilettries" I didn't even know I had the word in my vocabulary! So now I've got a good excuse to grow a fuck off beard... probably.

I'm going to go put off filling in my most definetly exciting student loan form now, I've got bored of asking the cat if he wants to fill it in for me, it wasn't very amusing to start off with. Ciao.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Gee Wizz

Hello there, it's MeMe time, the newplanet chap who may live on a new planet (I've not quite decided yet) gave me a G, to list ten things I like with a G. I got a G for ginger apparently, gingerphobe! Anyway here goes, watch out for some irony folks, I'm a ironicist.

1. Gareth Gates, from his unforgetable cover of unchained melody (he sings in the middle of the street, what an anarchist! Well he does have gelled spikes) to his smashing song stupid mistake ("It could happen to anyone of us, anyone could think of... cos I made a stupid mistake" which speaks volumes for his career) the guy that apparently doesn't stammer anymore is well loved by me. An Ironic love, like one might have for other cheesey pop acts.
2. Gangsters, I'm just one of those people who loves gangsters, if I see a great gang on the corner of my street, I can't help but go over and ask how their hoes are, it's just the kind of guy I am. I also like to play with their firearms and hassle shop keepers, it's just fun. Particularly if I end up being locked up over night in jail!
3. Greedo, the best star wars character ever. Period. Sure he gets fried not long after appearing, but not after some cracking dialogue where the character is fully developed by a talented young writer.4. Greens, I'm just a man who eats his greens, appart from peas, they suck, and I don't care how mushy they can be mushed, you won't extract any taste of pleasure from me.
5. Gasping for air, I love the feeling of having a tesco carrier bag wrapped around my head strangling me of air, and then having it pulled off ten seconds later leaving me gasping, it gets even funnier the more times it happens to me "accidently"
6. Gardens, I love gardens, bizzarley working at a garden centre hasn't put me off them, I will still lie on a lawn, I just love a nice lawn in a nice garden, and if you like bland opinions, this is the right blog!
7. Grinstead, of the East variety, a delightful town in West Sussex which is the home of Mormons, Scientologists and Jehovahs Witnesses as well as giving me my delightful secondary school education. It's a lovely town.
8. Gone in Sixty Seconds, the Nicholas Cage remake version, it's my favourite film, I love the fast cars, the pointless action, the lack of story, the use of Angelina Jolie for pure eye candy reasons despite having her in ugly dreadlocks, the "hilarious" Vinne Jones character (he's a mute, but wackily he talks in the end, I'm wetting myself just thinking about it), the fact it's a Jerry Bruckheimer picture (he produced two of my favourite films of all time, Bad Boys 2 and Pearl Harbour), tbe fact that it's shit, but the shit. Yeah Dawg.
9. Geez I'm really struggling here, and geez I don't often say the word or phrase or sound geez often.
10. Galvanising, not quite sure exactly what it means, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good galvanised wheelbarrow. Phwoar. Rust.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Term has finished...

...so this week (and the next three) I shall be mostly dossing, problem being I've run out of place to doss in my room, as evidenced by in this photo.It was a bit dusty on top of my wardrobe.

If you want to know my motivation for the photograph, I was going for a 'emo on a wardrobe' look. Something which I succesfully acheived with ease.

Yes alright mother, I will get my increasingly girlish length of ginger hair cut this week. Really.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

London *insert hilarious cockney comment here*

Hello there, I met up with that Jemima chapette and Bert chap of blogging fame today for an afternoon of fun. Because they own blogs I best blog about it, otherwise I will be disowned like the freak I probably am, unique freak I want to stress. Well we went to some place which I'm now offically convinced is the best place in London after that place where the prostitues died, county hall. Prositutes didn't die in county hall, all though one or two might have, I was using a comma (because I'm a big fan of grammar and all) to seperate points. Grammar woooo! Dance us for grammar, I love this punctuation.

We went to an underground arcade because that Bert chappy said it was fun, and it was, I loved demonstrating to my blogging friends I suck at anything competitive! First up was some dancing machine, where I successfully got out danced by both lovely bloggers, but I got to hear Steps' 5,6,7.8 and stomp and well as Cotton Eyed Joe so swings and roundabouts. Next up was bowling where with my first attempt I merely attempted to destory the place and try and smash the floor as a mark of protest for making us pay to bowl (they should be paying us to bowl!) and produced a wonderfully loosing game (which was quite mixed with gutter balls and spares) beaten yet again by the lovely bloggers. Next up was air hockey, Jemima being quite an addict of such a table, and another plentiful happy place for me to be beaten again!

I feel at this point I must point out through my continuing loosing I was infact, as I do with any competitor I have in any game type situation, merely boosting their ego, allowing them to enjoy themselves much more and demonstrating the wonderful amount of ginger generoisity I have as an out ginger man.

Saying that, I did win some games, taking the time to presume anything in the wonderful place was a game. I won the toilet game (I didn't quite elaborate as to how this was a game, but it was agreed that I had won), I won the getting asked if you want ketchup with your meal and getting the waitress to touch my hand in exchaning change, I could have won the cash machine game if I'd of played it, and I would have so won the fire exit game. But I did win one real game, Dodgems! (Once I realised you have to put your foot on a peddel like in those car things that knock pedestrains over) I bashed like well good.

All in all I had a fun time at the fun house.Talking of fun house, this clip from Adam Buxton made me laugh a little too much last night.

In your face Dan, I can do youtuebing of comedy clips I like too!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Fucking Ben Elton

After seeing a student production of that queen musical we will rock you and enjoying the wonderful production, but cringeing in my chair at the sheer awful Ben Elton (he brought a Gnome from the garden centre I worked in, woah gnome fans) scripted musical I thought I could do better myself, so I present a brief (probably) synopsis of my musical about take that entitled 'back for good.'

The musical starts late, ideally running 15 minutes after the advertising time with our four leads Drawoh, Nosaj, Kram and Yrag doing a beautiful rendition of paitence (We will rock you was set in the future for some reason, I'm gonna do the same and make the names sound all future like!). The 15 minutes mentioned might be debateable, the audience may not have paitence and find themselves unable to wait at least ten minutes, this is very much upto the theatre managers to research the level of paitence their audiences have, it might be more up north or less, well they're more friendlier so they should be more paitent. Also if the theatre wants to imply some kind of chaos going on before the powerful rendition of Patience, go for it chaps!

In an incredibly forced and contrived plot, Kram, it emerges is an arsonist, and is on a rampage of Manchester to destroy all memories of all the other musical history in Madchester (other than Take That), whilst singing 'it only take a minute girl' replacing the line 'to fall in love' to 'to torch a building'. The arsoning continues with his burning down of Bez's maracas factory in which Kram sings 'Shine' whilst watching the fire shine, obviously.

After the interval the song back for good is sang because, well they're back from the break, so back for good. Making the audience wait ages again isn't compulsory, but certainly encouraged just to get the most discontent and grumpyness from the auidence and also to fill time for an already incredibly short peice of entertainment.

In Kram's growing difficulty in torching all of Manchester's musical history, he enlists the help of Drawoh, Nosaj and Yrag to help 'relight my fire' and relight the continuing torching of manchester's musical history, but not coronation street, although memories of Adam Rickitt are certainly going to be burned, particularly that stupid plastic case he danced around in that video, it's just as well he's now an MP or summat and it's just as well I'm releasing my deep seated resentment for Adam Rickitt, twat. Once the lads had torched all mentions of other music coming from manchester other than take that (and Mick Hucknall, gotta love those gingers!) they conclude they have no regrets over it and sing Robbie Walliams hit song 'No Regrets' just to confuse and throw the audiences and see how many of them are paying attention. No one really cares if they are paying attention, as long as they are paying.

The whole marvellous production concludes with Never forget, inviting the audience to never forget the production they've just seen. And that's how it's done you good for nothing Gnome buyer.

Note: I don't really hate Adam Rickitt, look I'll link to his offical site and everything. Go look!

Friday, March 23, 2007

This week I have been mostly been feeling cack

Hello there, by Wednesday I realised I had mostly been eating cack and going out dressed in cack (well not enough layers, assuming if there was sun, there was warmth, what a fool I was) that I just ended up feeling cack. I'm just enjoying using the word cack at the moment! So much so that I might pretend that I'm a cack addict/user just to continue saying cack and say that the crack (whilst moreish) was just cack. Anyway, back to feeling cack, wearing four fucking layers in our living room and still feeling freezing whilst other people were feeling too warm and then waking up in the morning and finding myself feeling so weak I could even stand up in the shower and showered sat down, it kind of worked, but I fear my gentilla and legs might not have got such a good hosing as they might of normally.

But I still went out last night to the pub quiz plus karoake, I threw out the window my aims of no alcohol and leaving early and ended up singing that Danger Danger High Voltage song as a duet (I didn't realise it was duvet song!). I did request to do Take That's Back for good, but alas they never picked my slip. Probably for the best as my alcohol intake stopped due to beleving I had no money, not thinking to check the part of my wallet that holds the notes (who'd of thunk I'd have notes in my wallet?, Not me whilst slightly inerbrieated).

This morning I shaved off my rubbish beard, well about five (or more?) days of stuble, I'll get round to growing a big beard at some point in my life, maybe next month, I am nearing the end of my pointless a year without a haircut (thank fuck, getting baked beans in your fringe is just baffling) so I may try a year with out a shave after that!

I'm sure I was going somewhere with this blog post today, but I don't really know how to end or summarise this post. Toodles.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

#Crummiest shop in Reading of the week#

Forgive the blurred photo, photo fans, but alas I was in a hurry to take this photo as the shop owner was staring through the window and I was making sure he didn't see me take this photo. He might question my sanity. Fool. It might not have been the shop owner. Who knows? I might know if I went in, but I hate being the only one in a shop, there's safety in numbers, that's why I stick to the large chain stores.

Anyway the shop, well look at it, it just looks plain crummy, but what has tipped it over the edge for me is the owner has attempted to corrected the old style shop decor with a new and exciting cutting edge name! Did you know that the Internet is quite big now? So shops can try and cash in on this, by adding pointless .co.uk's to the end of a shops names. Small problem being there is no such website, unless you're supposed to put the space in, but last time I checked internet fans, you can't have spaces. All the more reason that makes me love the store even more! Of course no attempt has been taken to make the lettering look anywhere near as 'cutting edged' as the name, making it the more charming.

I would go inside, but... well I just mentioned why I wouldn't want to. But I'm sure the store is competivley priced, offers a wide range of sporting goods, staff are wonderfully helpful and offer the kind of customer care you could more than want. It just looks quite shite from the front.

Join me next week where I'll be looking at sewing shop 'Sew Devine' which has a clever pun in the store name, but as to what the pun is, I'll leave you to wait a week to find out. It's quite subtle.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I love Mitchell and Webb

Blame Cheryl, she told me to blog them.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Comic Relief Rant

I know it's for charity, I know it's a worthwhile honourable cause, I know I should be more like Billy Connelly, AntandDec, Davina McCall and do some well meaning moving appeal on behalf of Comic Relief and tell you how the money was spent, I know it's not really supposed to be about the comedy, it's supposed to be about raising money and comedy stars doing something generous and whatnot (I can't be assed to go with a cynical edge and wonder if the celebrities donated their own money to charity) and I know I'm a monster for not donating any money to comic relief this year but...

...the comedy was mostly quite shite. Let's get the first shite out. The Catherine Tate is Shite. Tony Blair? Oh dear... I can't quite put into words my dissapointment with the sketch, Tony is a bloody actor! I could do some political type message... but can't be arsed. Daniel Craig and David Tennat? Maybe not quite as horrible as the Tony "I am Bovvered" Blair Sketch. Maybe the Noel Edmunds sketch gentally amused me, but that would be just sheer to Noel Edmunds and the fact that Noel Edmunds amuses me.

Little Britain? Oh Piss off... although the Des Kaye sketch slightly amused me due to Matt and David using a character THEY HAVEN'T FUCKING DONE TO FUCKING DEATH (Such as Lou and Andy, Marjorie Dawes, Anne, Mr.Mann... oh most of the fucking show).

What else? Andy Pipkin and that character from Phoenix nights (I don't know, I ignore Peter 'supposed comic genius' Kay's work) duet. It was so amusing I missed the 'hilarious' lyric change. They changed walk to roll because both characters are ironically hilarious offensive wheelchair user sterotypes! Whoopie Shit. Okay the video wasn't that bad, my mouth slightly crinkled in the corner where a smile would form.Mitchell and Webb? They were alright, basically just consisted of them using the Numberwang Numberflan sketch and the Table of Reds sketch but slightly adapting them. So you got Chris DeBurg of the hit song by Keane of the same title fame joining them. Although it was quite unintentionally amusing watching Carol Vordeman and Johnny Ball appear in Numberwang completly confused as to what they had agreed to do.

I found Russel Brand slightly funny again... Whoops! But I might of been slightly delirous after watching TV straight from 7:30 onto 4 in the morning.

The Top of the Pops/Top Gear thingy was actually pretty alright. It featured the top gear team being amusing cocks. It also featured McFly where they had to write a song with 3 specified words in (Sofa, Administration and Hyundai for those of your with better things to do), they did a shit job, they just sang them in the chorus, I wrote my own song in 5 minutes which is so brilliant I want to share it with you now.

My wife has popped out a child,
Another bloody runt to the litter,
We've only got three Bedrooms,
I think we should...
MOVE HOUSE
We've got to
MOVE HOUSE
There's administration costs,
Gotta Get the sofa out of the living room
And drag it from your Huyandi Exhuast
The kid can't sleep in our room anymore,
Little Bethany wants a room with pink walls,
And we need fucking room to send the kids too,
I think we should...
[Repeat Chorus]
It's not like we don't like our house,
Infact we've got some fond memories,
Like having Rumpy Pumpy on the kitchen sink,
I think we should...
[Repeat Chorus x 2]


In your face McFly!

What else? Well the Armando Iannuci Time Trumpet style bit about Comic Relief was alright, but then it was on at 2:50 AM so at that point in a state of delirousness I forgave the hit and miss format of Time Trumpet.

Mighty Boosh just reusing material that was mildly amusing for fans but confusing as fuck for those who've never seen the show. (I've had to justify the comedy of pies during the secret police mans balls to two of my housemates and explain what was amsuing about the mighty boosh, no words really came out "It's ummm... strange... I'm strange... strange things amuse me" I believe I came out with)

I gave up watching the Simon Pegg and Nick Frost clip show presented show, I was doing so well, I watched upto the last half of it, but gave up and went to bed at 4AM. Pegg and Frost were their natual slightly amusing double act selves. And clips of Coogan and Serifinovich warmed my comedy heart

And whatelse? Oh I want to fucking slap the music selector. Using Overplayed hit Chasing cars for the well meaning please donate videos? Like no one has thought of that. At least they didn't use any fucking Coldplay or the Fray's how to save a life. Obvious music ques annoy the fuck out of me. I almsot threw a bottle at a screen in a cinema in Crawley when watching Wedding Crashers and the used coldplay for an 'emotional' scene.

But it's all okay because it was for charity of course.

I'm just gutted I missed the sugababes and girl aloud doing their cracking duet which is quite so awful it's leaving me confused as to wether it's so awful it's brilliant or just so awful it's shite.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Well lick my doo-daa and give me a MeMe

Well guten tag their my fraulines and my herrs, I have a MeMe that Dan and Jemima have done at some point in their professional careers as bloggers which I'm going to do too, this MeMe is brought to you today by the letter Z.

1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT
I whacked me noggin on a radiator at somepoint when I was young, I have a two lovely dents in my forehead that my mess of a fringe covers up.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
- A Shaun of the Dead Poster
- A Spiderman 3 poster that came free with Empire
- A Hot Fuzz poster
- A Art of Star Wars poster from the barbican back in 2000
- A Two faces of Mitchell and Webb Tour poster
- A Yoda door poster
- A Star Wars Episode One Teaser Poster (the one with the darth vader shadow coming from anakin)
- A Little Britain poster (Ugh!)
- A Crummy Alan Partridge poster I foolishly brought off ebay
- A Views of Reading poster
- A Star Wars Episode 3 teaser poster
- A Batman Begins poster
- A Shiny Spiderman 3 poster
- A League of Gentlemen Apocalypse poster
- A Cock and Bull Story poster
- A 24 Hour Party People poster
- A X-men 3 teaser poster
- A V for Vendetta poster
- A Supposed life size Darth Vader poster
- A piraties of the Caribbean 3 poster

Phew! I have too many posters.


3. WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE.
Crap. Sure I could bother to get a decent phone, but what's the point? I only own it to collect a large number of numbers when drunk (6 last night put in odd fashion 'balding barry' for example, he's not balding, I'm just a moron and love aliteration).

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Random crap. At the moment some band called Boston that Cheryl told me to listen to.

5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
Mitchell and Webb. Or those Mac and PC people that my lecturer said.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To find the energy to walk over to my old Halls of Residence and vote for my friend in the hall elections.

7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
Yeah, why shouldn't I?

8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
5:35AM apparently. Use this information wisely.

9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
Yep. I would say more but I have to piss off soon!

10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
I already said, Boston for some reason.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
Not really, although when I was a bit younger I'd imagine Darth Vader was lurking in the dark. Although sometimes in the dark I get scared in the student house that some fuckbag could break in, in the dark when I've just brushed me pearlys.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
I dunno. Alcohol.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely obviously.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
GINGER, sorry, been a while probably since I've expressed my deeply rooted ginger bias I live my life by.

15. DO YOU LIKE PAIN KILLERS?
Yes, I am robbie Walliams and am addicted to Calpol.It's lovely stuff and the Rudebox star's addiciton should not be made fun of.

16. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Yes. Yes I am. Must you expose my shyness blog!

17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
Meat please, so some peperoni or sausage or summat.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A pizza now that you've mentioned one, bastard.

19. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I don't really make people mad, unless I do and they express their madness behind my back.

20. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
Doubt it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Diet Coke

Isn't it amazing that the diet coke adverts are back and all slutty? Personally I couldn't give two hoots, what concerns the most about the video is that they don't crush the fucking cans!Come on ladies, crush the cans, you'll be able to fit in loads more cans of coke. I think the real issue here is as to why you ladies are lazy fuckwits, you just drink coke, surely there should be some fucking files in the bin? Quit fucking slacking off and do some work. I don't believe the supposed company you work for had a special bin just for diet coke cans, and I question as to wether you just survive on diet coke. It's very simple to crush the cans, you probably lovely ladies can even do it with your hands because they where quite inappropriate footwear for the job. Blue Peter taught me how to crush cans when I was younger and it has stuck with me. It's simple, step on the can in the middle leaving the can slightly impacted, then step on either end and it should be nice and flat. Simple.

Just don't get me started on coke zero, coke for wankers.

Monday, March 12, 2007

It's the things that make you go GAH!

Things that are making me go Gah this afternoon:

- Someone put the cheese in a lovely food bag and tied a very nice intricate knot in it leaving me no choice but to ruin the bag, put it in the bin and have to re-wrap the cheese in some cling-film, just adding more waste to our environment. What's the point in putting the cheese in a bag where I'll have to bin soon after opening. We're big cheese eaters in this student house, don't restrict the cheese eating process.

- Fucking previous tennant of our house after 8 months hasn't seemed to have told Vision express yet that he no longer lives in Reading, so he doesn't need his fucking contact lenses to be sent to Reading! A couple of months ago he came back to Reading to pick up his regular delivery of contact lenses because we gave up forwarding on the mail after a few months, you'd think then he'd of managed to phone them to tell them that his fucking address had changed! Oh well, guess we'll just force him to come back to Reading to pick them up again!

- This textbook I'm using for my essay just seems bloody xenophobic. 'Yet both those French processes today shared this dismal common fate: they are both as dead as doornails. By contrast, Fox Talbot's ideas still endure as the abiding foundation of modern photography" Why not just say the french of tossers? Sure take a quote and take it out of context and you can say whatever you want. But I'll go on record and say that Arthur H. Booth thinks the french are wankers. Just don't take me to court over it, I already got told last month I could have gone to court over something I wrote!

- I want to do fucking hanging indents for my bullet points on this blog post. What wank.

I think I should probably just relax in the words of Mika and Frankie goes to hollywood fame and don't do it and take it easy, go back to my essay, continue listening to the star wars soundtrack saying the lines from the films as tne relevant music ques and finish my cheese sandwhich. The cheese that... SOME FUCKER WANTED TO DEPRIVE FROM ME FROM WRAPPING IT IN A FOOD BAG WITH A TINY KNOT... GET KNOTTED.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Oi you fucking clutz!

I am officially a clutz, well a bit of a clutz, join me as I take three minutes* of your time to tell you about my clutzing this week. It's my blog, it's my tedium!

I went to that captial city of ours (I say ours, I mean those of the Grose Britanina variety) on Monday and commited my first case of clutzing. Apparently those krispy kreme doughnuts were supposed to be really exciting in the taste bud department, or so I was reliably informed. Quite correctly too as they were quite nice.

I picked a jam doughnut eating it in my right hand hoping to evoid getting jam down me, except I ended up getting Jam down my left hand sleeve! Not sure how. It left a lovely jam stain inside my sleeve and generally was rather amusing for the people watching. Luckily the stain dried up by the time we ended up at the V&A, so I made a rather weak attempt to get the jam off my sleeves, didn't really suceed, but at least it was dry for a walksie around the Kylie exhibition there. Don't want to get any Jam over those famous gold hotpants, although it turns out they only cost 50p anyway, so it wouldn't have been that bad if I were to get some jam over them. See I did learn something at the kylie exhbition, even though I thought it was a joke when I first heard about an exhbition dedicated to Miss Minogue of the non Danii variety. I'm so ignorant of culture. Excuse me. Although thinking about it, where is the Dannii Minogue exhibition? Come on she has been in Home and Away! She deserves one!

My second clutzing of the week happened when I cut my finger shaving. Okay I din't really cut my finger shaving, I just wanted to say a statement like that and make my readers question me as to wether I had any intelligence in me or not. I have some probably. I just cut myself trying to get the razor blade out of the packaging, bloody superdrug! It's too hard to get the bloody blades out, and can't be done quickly when your in a hurry to get to uni, thanks to superdrug I was half an hour late, although admitedly falling back to sleep upon hearing your alarm does also delay you as well. Look there's a photo opposite so you can judge as to wether I was being a big sissy or not.

So I'm planning on triping myself up with a third clutzish event for me this week, hopefully I can hurt my foot by leaving my holepunch in the middle of the floor. Or with any luck make a mess of the carpet.I have a clean floor, but not for much longer, MWA HA HA HA!

*three minutes was an estimate, if it was any longer, feel free to write for me for a full refund at the following address;
Lucasfilm,
P.O. Box 29901,
San Francisco,
CA 94129.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Robin Ince you slaaaaaag!

Coming from a charming village just outside Crawley, I very much will defend my town when under attack, unfortunatly one Robin Ince decided to insult Crawley.

From this lovely article on chortle;

He said: ‘Crawley was a low point. I'll get a week that goes Paris, Milan, Rome, Crawley.

‘When you're walking around Rome, even when you're looking at a statue of Mussolini, you can think, “Wow, this guy had big dreams, big thoughts”. When you arrive in Crawley you just think something has gone awry.’

Mussolini had big dreams? big thoughts? I sincerely think Mr.Ince is failing to see the big dreams and big thoughts coming from some of Crawley's most famous residents.

Take for exaple one Lucy Brown who is from Crawley, she stars in the new ITV Torchwood/Doctor Who rip off Primeval. I can assure Mr Ince that Primeveal has big dreams, it aims to be just like Doctor Who and appeal to exactly the same level. Primeval has big thought such as ITV exectives trying in their power to think of something to tempt those Doctor Who viewers with some mediocre show. In your face Robin Ince, Mussolini never starred in an hit-shit ITV1 show!

Chico Slimani who lived in Crawley from the age of 14, he had big dreams of winning X-factor, he had big thoughts of producing a truely profound song with the hit song (which let's not forget Robin, went to number one for two weeks, more than fucking Mussolini managed) It's Chico time. This song features the moving lyrics of "you can get delirious, if you take life too serious" much better than any of Mussolini's fucking speeches. Infact none of his speeches come to mind, which just shows how crap he was.

Another Crawley resident I believe it's time to bring to light, one Eugene Sully, a former big brother contestant from Crawley. He has big dreams, big thoughts, why only recently he appeared in the studio audience during a transmission of Channel 4's The Charlotte Church Show on the 2nd March 2007. It's not like Mussolini would be able to get to appear in the audience for the Charlotte Church show.

And Mr.Ince as for your unwarranted worship of Mussolini, I've just done some research and found out he established a repressive fascist regime that valued nationalism, militarism, anti-liberalism and anti-communism combined with strict censorship and state propaganda as well as becoming a close personal bum chum of one Adolf 'Evil' Hitler. He's a bad man Robin Ince, the people of Crawley are much nicer than him.I am of course dabling in the art form of Irony, something a concerend resident didn't seem to understand with this comment; ‘You would hope people were above cheap shots like this.'

Besides the people of Crawley are great, it's not as if they could fuck up someting as simple as a calender... Oh wait... 'Council goes for 367-day year' Muppets!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

I love MeMe's because I don't have to pretend my life is interesting

Jemima. Dan. Lovely Bloggers. Lovely people. Did MeMe. Me do thing. The end. It's a mini adventure.

1. What Curse Word Do You Use The Most? I keep using the word bint alot recently, before I even knew what it meant. Fuck always recieves regualr spouting from my gob, so either fuck or bint, you fucking bint.
2. Do You Own An Ipod? Nah, I got a Zen recently, mainly as they sounded a bit more interesting than those ipod thingy madoodaas.
3. What Person On Your MySpace Top 8 Do You Talk To The Most? Noel Edmunds. In my sleep.
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To? Varies from day to day, depending on what time I start uni, or what bit of uni I'm sciving. Generally around 9. I'm a lazy shit.
5. Do You Want To Fall In Love? If shit happens, shit happens.
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold? I don't wear flip flops! Are you having a bleeding laugh!
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture? I am a camera whore, offically. It amuses me greatly when I see photos from a night out and I'm in fucking most of them! I much enjoy more being in the picture, because I love photos where I look stupid.
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched? Trainspotting, I get bored with my weekends now so I thought I'd watch some of the DVDs on my shelf that I've brought but never watched. I had this DVD since september, only taken me till march to watch it. Still got the remainding 1/3 of clerks unwatched waiting on my DVD shelf, maybe that will be tomorrow's film for me.
9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children? Probably.
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy? My mum. Probably other peeps, probably myself calling me lazy. Niggles of an insults generally just soak into me like a sponge, I pay no attention to them. Well maybe a little atention at the time.
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep? Nah. If I can't sleep, I have a shit night sleep, it's all good.
12. What CD Is Currently In Your CD Player? Hot Fuzz soundtrack? But then it's the most recent CD I have brought since the Mitchell and Webb Sound CDs.
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk? Meh. Milk is milk. Fast food and good for you, look for the lion.
14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week? Might of done, I can't really remember at this precise moment. I've heard bitching, that's for sure.
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks? I don't rightly know if I've ever been to a starbucks. I'm not a coffe drinker.
16. Can You Whistle? Yeah. Whistle well? Fucks knows! You be the judge when I release my swing album.
17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard? I do back in my sussexy village, well did, my dad dismantled it, it screwed up the lawn, and went unused. Well it was used in the summer as a sunbed for my sister.
18. Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back? Oh probably. Am I bovvered? Face bovvered? I aint Bovvered! Catherine Tate show is like well funny.
19. Did You Watch Cartoons When You Were A Kid? Yes, Yes I did. Is further elabroation warranted?
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To? Star Wars, nothing but star wars, please don't let those star wars, end.
21. Have You Ever Done The Dirty In A Field? Yes I have picked dandelions and licked my hands afterwards and tasted a dirty tase in my mouth, a very asute observation sir.
22. Is There Anything Wrong With Girls Kissing Girls? If they want to, go for it.
23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts? No, but I want a Band-Aid T-Shirt.
24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing? Ketchup.
25. Is Anyone In Love With You? With any luck if I work the old charm just right. What I mean to say less arrogantly, fuck knows.
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes? I do my fair share. Leave me alone. I wash up after myself. I innt a pikey.
27. Ever Cry In Public? Nah. Actually quite a bit back at school. Now not at all.
28. Are You On A Desktop Computer Or A Lap Top? Laptop baby!
29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo? Nah, the idea of tatoos and or piercings scares me to my willy.
30. What’s The Weather Like? It's night, I don't fucking know.
31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos? I'd be scared of looking at them, so that's a no.
32. What Did You Do Before This? Talked to that Dan and Cheryl of blog owning fame on MSN.
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor? The only time that comes to mind is on a ferry when I was 13/14 to France, Britanny to be precise, which was an over night ferry so I had some attempt at trying to sleep on the floor.
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function? The less sleep I get the more I function, well the more manic I go at least. Manic can be good for me.
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily? Most of the time, sometimes I combine lunch and breakfast into one super meal entitled 'LunchSlashBreakfast'
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced? Not really.
38. Do You Use Sarcasm? Yes.
39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight? Nah, I'm a fucking coward and not nearly confrontational enough to get in a fight.
40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar? As long as it's not written in fucking text speak I'm not that picky. Although I do get a little picky of wankers inserting z where there should be s! Twats.
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags? No, I've been to Chessington World of Adventures though. A few times.
42. Have You Ever Gotten Beat Up? Nah mate, Hardy by surname, and Hardy by nature.
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite? I dunno, I'm selectivley socially auquard with different people. Probably do admitedly get along better with the chaps.
44. Do You Like Mustard? I don't think I do, but I've never found out.
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach Or Back? Side all the way.
46. Where & How Did You Get One Of Your Scars? Two dents in the forehead, one from a radiator, and one from a tennis racket that hit me in the face, about an inch seperating the two dents.
47. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad? I can't say that. Mainly as I can't quite remember.
48. Do You Like Anybody? I think I like myself, but I need written confirmation of this.
49. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased? Chippy, sadly the alchol on my teeth from the night before made eating the chips a little more difficult than normal.

Friday, March 02, 2007

My week in sporadic detail!

My week has been sporadically interesting, come with me now as I tell you about my week in sporadic detail. Woooo!

Sporadic interested point number one came on Sunday with a bit of Karaoke at my old halls of residence. I lit the stage (or floor) on fire with some belting tunes I churned out. Three duets! I did right said fred's I'm too sexy, as requested by a freind and was asked by a fresher if I could do a song with them. Whilst doing it, the chorus aside, I just didn't know the song, I knew the "I'm too sexy" but was it! Though I did dance my touche at the respective parts. I also did Mel C's and Brian Adams' Baby when your gone song at the request of my friend so we could sing it again, and that this time I wouldn't try and sing like Mel C (or just try and sing in a girls voice) and I also did Barbie Girl as a duet and realised I couldn't do full justice to the song when blind sober. When I say full justice, I mean full embarassing of myself. I feel at this point I must point out I can't sing.

Sporadic interest point number two came on Tuesday with some excitement in the mail.My last pay slip from that place, complete with a slight 15 pence pay rise. Bugger.

Sporadic interest point number three came on Thursday with my never too shit team names for the pub quiz we go to most Thurdays unless we get a better invite. Here are the three last team names I came up which will offer conclusive proof that I shouldn't be allowed to name a team again.

We need a killer team name, so we'll call ourselves Ian Huntley - Got a few applauses and required the quizman to say "Don't applaud that"

Britney's Buzz Cut Buzzescock - My awful attempt at trying something topical. It was met with complete silence!

If you like alot of urine coming out your penis join our club - Can you tell where I got this inspiration from? Yeah you guessed it, when pissing. Problem being my handwriting made urine looking like wine, so it was read out as "If you like a lot of... is that urine or wine? *silence* wine, if you like a lot of wine coming out your penis join our club" met with silence and me banging my head on the table telling myself off for naming our team for the third week running. Whoops!

And finally sporadic interest point number four comes from my socks.I think I should bin them.

Join me next week when I may sporadically disect my week in a similar manner, toodles!