Saturday, August 09, 2008


So I've decided (and have) moved my blog, a sort of a re-launch maybe, it's still a little work in progress whilst I decide how to make my blog be all new and stuff, but it most definitely has moved. Visit why not, and remain a visitor by taking in it's majestic beauty at a different URL?
See you there, and thanks for all the blogging blogger!

Thursday, July 24, 2008


1. Do you know where your dad is right now?
I'm gonna do one of those MeMe's wot I saw on the social networking phenomenon BeFaceSpaceBo, enjoy.

2. Last time you kissed someone?

3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
Not entirely sure, alcohol was involved.

4. What color is your watch?
I can't tell the time.

5. Do you like anyone?
I can't tell the time.

6. Are you close to your mum?
I like my Mum.

7. Where do you work?
I like my Mum.

8. What are you listening to right now?

9. What do you smell like?
My sweet lord.

10. What color are your pants?
Like manure.

11. Closest thing to your left?
A lacey red.

12. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Something foul.

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
No, I don't believe in them.

14. What time were you born?
I wouldn't be able to do this without it.

15. Do you play any sports?
In the morning.

16. What's your favorite number?
No, they don't agree with me.

17. Do you know someone named Lori?
One thousand, one hundred and thirty eight.

18. What color is your mom's hair?
Isn't that the name of a shampoo?

19. Do you have a dog?
It's brown.

20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
No, I wasn't allowed.

21. When's the last time you went swimming?
In the summertime.

22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Many years ago.

23. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
About an hour ago.

24. Do you play an instrument?
Once I got one stuck up arse, I wasn't allowed. Shame.

25. Do you like fire?
Only when I'm trying to impress people.

27. When was the last time you cried?
No, it hurts.

28. I love you.
I'm too macho to answer that.

29. Have you ever been to a spa?
Can I get back to you on that?

30. Did you take science all four years of high school?
No, I can't afford it.

31. Do you like butterflies?
I gave it up as soon as I could (at 16).

32. Who made you laugh last?
I don't dislike them.

33. What is one thing you miss about your past?
When I killed someone.

34. Have you ever seen the school counselor?
Being a child

35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
I had one?

36. What is one thing you have learned about life?
I don't want to be a teacher.

37. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not to be jealous of anyone.

38. Is anyone jealous of you?
Why ask that?

39. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
Everyone should be.

40. What does your dad call you?
Once it happened.

41. What does your mum call you?
By my name.

42. What does you hair look like right now?

43. Has a friend ever used you?
A bit weird.

44. Has anyone recently told you that they like you more than a friend?
Now I think about it, someone probably has.

45. What have you eaten today?
Why would that happen?

46. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

47. What is your favourite movie?
My sister.

48. Who was the last person who texted you?
The parole officer.

49. What are you looking forward to?

50. How was today?

Well that was fun.
Not much has happened today for me to be able to answer that question.

I may have stolen a gag from a two Ronnies sketch, but ten questions into this MeMe I was bored and I had to do something different.Hopefully what I've written makes some sense.

Friday, July 11, 2008

What's that my hilarious comedy sidekick?

Hilarious comedy sidekick: I like science, I want you to learn some science and report back to me.
Me: I have a GCSE in Science studies, dual award which is double the fun, what do want to know?
Hilarious comedy sidekick: How does science work
Me: Well you see... the thing is... what's interesting about science is... I could go on...
Hilarious comedy sidekick: Well evidently not as you're just staling for time
Me: Less of your lip you, well at least I have lips.
Hilarious comedy sidekick: Go learn science and I'll go get botox
Me: Can't we switch?

There was no reply, the puppet just stormed out. With the unfortunate argument with my comedy side kick running from my mind, I thought whilst that shite puppet would get botox, I would go get a learning of science. To the museum d'science I would go, to learn science, they have interactive displays, that would be fun, wouldn't it? I wasn't sure, I would ask the shite puppet, but he's busy getting shit pushed into his lips.

Well I went on the interactive science museum displays, and it turns out everything I learned from GCSE Science studies (dual award) was all wrong!Crisps don't generate light, you can't eat airplanes, was my GCSE (dual award) not worth the paper it was printed on? I was emotionally distraught and went about engrossing as much science as I could, light bulbs generate light, your can eat food, not vehicles, revelations! It was wonderful time. I was all geared up to tell my hilarious comedy sidekick all about the science I'd learned, but sadly the puppet was so self obsessed all he want to talk about was his fabulous lips (to be fair, they did look good). What a wasted day.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Oh I remember now, I was gonna blog about...

my graduation! Whoop! (Well it was a week or two ago, cut me some slack). To be honest I wasn't really looking forward to graduation as a) it signaled the end of university for good and b) dressing smart and standing around awkwardly? Gah! But I guess it all turned out okay in the end and was a nice enough day. Well I got to see lovely people again and have my last student drunken evening afterwards.Look its me getting graduated! Exciting and shaky! Although I'm getting a head of myself here. So yes that silly cloak and hat, what an odd set of clothes, thirty seven quid for the excitement of wearing it (for a few hours, I could have paid more and hired it for a week, imagine someone going into a club tarted all up with it on). There's four arm holes in the cloak, which was very exciting and confusing (no put your arms down the hole I was told, but I had down the hole, it was confusing, a minefield and frustrating to see me peers putting their arms in fine, well they got a higher degree classification, so it all makes sense, bigger brains). Look there's me all smartly dressed with my piece of paper that cost £3,600, bargain! (Thanks Tony Blair).

Well before the exciting ceremony when we were told what we'd have to do the Star Wars mentions came thick and fast. I was told it was like a Jedi cloak, that we could just pull out lightsabres, my Star Wars geek brain was exploding with creativity! AM I JEDI? Then I was told the actual ceremony was like the end of Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope when Han and Luke (but not chewie) collect their medals from Leia. Would R2-D2 make it to my graduation, would chewie get his degree?I got asked how does the music go in that scene, and I did a rousing version (ba-de-da, de da da...) while queuing up, it was stuck in my head! (Although I was subsequently given a tune which I was told would eradicate any tune that's stuck in your head, the theme tune to Animal hospital, it ruddy works!)

Although once I got in the whole thing felt like wedding, walk down the aisle with the person who comes closest to me alphabetically, how romantic. Wouldn't marry them. So I shook hands with the Chancellor, (of the university, not of the exchequer, sadly I'd love to shake that darling hand) a man that's the chairman of Reading football club (did I know this before hand, did I fuck). His name is John Madjeski and is like a hero of Reading, apparently. Although I wanted to shake hands with the vice chancellor instead as he looks like Kilroy (he could be the real Kilroy for all we know, what's Kilroy done recently, gone into hiding and become Vice-Chancellor of the University of Reading? probably). Look for yourself here, it's ruddy Robert Kilroy Silk.

And that was my graduation, over before it began, I'm sure there's more I could say (we threw our hats in the air, how cliche) but as I'm blogging this nearly two weeks later my memory is little fuzzy. I've only just remembered I have a blog. Toodles!

Monday, June 30, 2008


Inspired by Adam and Joe's recent feature here is a book I created at the age of eleven, a book that maybe you'll enjoy, or not, it's short so won't take up too much of your time. I present to you HappyHead - The Happy Menace. I could try and set this up and explain the character of HappyHead, but I'm pretty sure he's just a floating head. On with the story, a fantastic spoof of Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace!The Bonkers Mail like it, so maybe you will, it's a credible source (could I be making satire about the real Daily Mail? Probably not, but I'd like to think so). I'm not enjoying my use of the evil typeface comic sans on this, poor show son.Ever had a book dedicated to you? No? Well you have now! I probably should explain I produced other HappyHead books, but I probably binned them, shame.Recognise the 'plot'. I'm disappointed I made no mentions to taxation, trading and negotiations which also featured in the well loved Star Wars film.I think the floating head is probably capable of jumping.For someone called 'HappyHead' he isn't half a miserable shit, smile!Oh he's smiling now he sees some Battle Droids.Silly HappyHead. Ouch this is a bit dark, could I not think of a better way to end it? Well it is a spoof! (apparently)So I felt bad about killing off the little fun bundle, so I enclosed a card for the reader. I also decided to graffiti my charming book a few years later, what a nob I was at seventeen, fortunately at twenty I now appreciate good literature.

And what of the other books? I only really remember the sick teacher book where HappyHead helped his sick teacher, a real heart warming tale. Maybe I'll find it, or maybe it's in a land site.

But what does the card say inside?I hope you enjoyed this tale. Incidentally, if you want some surprisingly decent star wars juvenillia, you could do a lot worse than this.