Get me some acting work

Or at the very least, some hat modeling work. 1 Silly hat, 3 different facial expressions.Silly hat! Isn't it fun, doesn't it look fun! FUN! Wacky! FUN!One silly hat, or is that one sexy hat? You judge for yourself. Phwaoarrrr. Hat.1 silly hat, or is that 1 very upsetting deeply depressing hat? Waaaa!

Contact me for all your hat wearing needs, I don't have an agent, so there'll be no negotiation of wage, I'll take what ever money you force into my hand! You could even pay me in skittles.

Thoughts on a word: Mate

You know what, I've never really understood under what situations one uses the word mate? I thought I understood, but I'm not so sure I do.

At school people would say 'Alright mate', well okay when they'd say alright, it was more of a bear grown; 'Allllroight'. And for years I'd say something along the lines of 'Yes thanks, how are you', but then it dawned on me, maybe the man doesn't respond in this manner, and some how I twigged that maybe I was supposed to say 'Allllroight' in return, so I'd do that instead. But now I'm now not so sure that is correct format and now I just say 'Hey'. When a man says 'Allllroight' is he asking how I am? or is he just saying 'Hello there casual acquittance, I like you, even if I don't really know you that well, but as a casual acquittance, you're alright you are'. I'm not so sure about the latter as I'm sure cunts that didn't like me would be asking as to my well being. It's a mind field, and if anyone out there has cracked the Allllroight code, please help me, please!

As for the word Mate, I've never understood how one uses this word? Is everyone a mate? Since coming to university, I act far more common then I probably really am, but in due consideration of some of the middle class people I've met since being at university, I'm not really that middle class, and probably am a little bit common, I in some situations, call strangers mate. Thank you for the bus ride, 'Cheers mate'. Casual Acquaintances? Mate! Friends? Mate. But should I not be calling them by their name instead? Am I under some delusional belief that I want to fit in with people who read the sun, because the last time I read the sun I couldn't contain my giggles after reading that Robbie Williams had seen 3 UFOs and believed in aliens. Who even writes articles like this? Morons or Mormons?

So gentle readers if you can help me in my 'Allllroight Mate' and 'Mate' debacles, yor assistance would be greatly received with thanks.

Sympathy time (I'm almost wrote symphony time).

I got a man cut today.

Just thought you might like to know.

No, I'm not writing the dissertation with the ever looming deadline.

Yes, this is a pointless blog post.

And yes, I do love you.

How are you today?

I've had it, with the motherfucking length of my hair on my motherfucking head.

World Famous Fortune Teller Gag!

As I mentioned a few blog down, this week I'd be revealing my world famous fortune teller gag! Well here goes.Step 1: Get a blank sheet of paper and make a fortune teller, the paper must be blank, this cannot be stressed enough. If you don't know how to make a fortune teller, ask leading internet search engine Google, if you don't know what a fortune teller is, you're an idiot.Step 2: Ask the recipient of the fortune teller to pick a number, now quite clearly there are no numbers are drawn, but convince them there is, the number 0 (a.ka. nothing) is there, ask them to pick that.Step3: Now open the fortune teller 0 times (so just open it) and ask them to pick a number again, of course they'll know the drill and say 0.Step 4: Now open the fortune teller, any panel will do, and of course is blank, so quite clearly there future reads as 'nothing will happen'.

Try it for yourself and become the toast of dinner parties all round. Or a reject.

Do your research the sun!

Tabloid journalism at its worse today folks, from the sun
'KATE MOSS appears to have stopped off on the forest moon of Endor for her latest fashion accessory.

She stepped out in Manhattan on Tuesday with what looked like a dead Ewok from Star Wars over her shoulder.

It’s a dead ringer for Luke Skywalker’s furry friend Wicket, right – but surely Ewoks are an endangered species?'

Luke Skywalker's friend? do your fucking research the sun, quite clearly anyone who has watched Return of the Jedi will point out that Luke and Wicket never even hang out in the film, I'm not saying that Leia doesn't introduce Luke to Leia at some point (although I think she'd be more concerned that Luke, the guy she has kissed two times, is infact her brother rather than ensuring that Wicket and Luke have a meaningful enough of a friendship to become facebook friends). Princess Leia's friend would be more correct, or even Han Solo, who can forget Wicket and and Han's splendidly awkward dance? And besides who's to say ewoks are endangered? From Return of the Jedi, quite clearly there are babies, those ewoks are humping away reporducing. Admittedly at the battle of endor some ewoks did die, and boy did we cry, but endangered? Just another example of tabloid journalism adding to the already unnecessary level of fear in this country! The Sun is no better than Joseph Goebbels. Besides quite clearly the fur that Kate Moss is carrying looks more like Logray and not Wicket.



See, quite clearly the fur resembles the head shaman for the Ewok tribe who lived in Bright Tree Village, Logray! Retards!

And don't even get me started on that substitute for must with the word moss! What is wrong with the world!

It's times like this when I'm writing away my star wars woes that I'm reminded of a quote from Knowing Me, Knowing You, With Alan Partridge (Episode 5, 25:34) 'Get yourself a girlfriend'.

Question me this will you

I have no ruddy idea what I quite mean with the title to this blog, but I is nicking the MeMe thingy that the Dan did of the the blog fame in order to trade of his cool and for me to do something that will result in the most pleasurable sound know to man (the sound of a man thrashing it out on a keyboard, by trashing I mean typing, yeah that).

The house I grew up in...
had two television aerials, one side of the house we'd have Meridian, the other we'd have London television. Another excitement was my thunderbirds wallpaper, I was only allowed thunderbirds border, in case I out grew thunderbirds, which I eventually did. (Although it still has a kick ass theme, and if I was talented and driven enough I'd make my own proper thunderbirds film, done properly and not that horse shit of the recent film).

When I was a child I wanted to be...
a thunderbird? a cartoonist? a postman? a man who did silly voices?

Actually I don't think I ever wanted to be a thunderbird, to brave for me.

The moment that changed me for ever...
was year 10 at school when we changed sites for school and I just became woefully awkward and lacked confidence. Crazy days (look I'm using humour because I'm being depressing!)

My greatest inspiration...
is you, you reading this inspires me to type out this clap trap sometime a few times a month.

My real-life villain...
Oh I don't hate anyone enough to have a villan, other than cunts at school, but that's behind me.

If I could change one thing about myself...
to be less awkward?

At night I dream of...
a wide variety of wank (wanks in dreams are called wet dreams), the other day I dreamed up my own super hero story, I can't remember any sadly, but I'm sure it would be a kick ass film and a superb graphic novel.

What I see when I look in the mirror...
is myself, I usually get bored of my own reflection so pull a stupid face.

My style icon...
whaaaaaaaaa? Style? I just buy some cheap shit from Primark that I feel comfortable enough in.

My favourite item of clothing...
is my pants, because I can't do comando, I like the cupping around the bollocks too much.

I wish I'd never worn...
tracksuit bottoms!

It's not fashionable but I like...
Hear'say, shit they've just come onto my itunes shuffle. I am fashionable.

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at...
Hear'Say trivia. Did you know Mylene Klass went on that I'm a celebrity show. FACT!

You may not know it but I'm no good at...
Liberty X trivia, did not care for them. They insist upon themselves.

All my money goes on...
DVDs, Drinking, buying packed sandwiches everyday even though it would be cheaper to make my own, food, drink (of non alcholic varieties), tat, tits.

If I have time to myself...
I PROCRASTINATE my prostate off.

I drive/ride...
when I scrounge lifts, but I don't mind the walk.

My house/flat is...
Oh I tidied my room today, it took 3 hours, but I did it, would you like to see photos, its so great, you can see the carpet and everything. Oh yesh.Well it was either tidy me room or do my dissertation, as you can see I made the right decision.

My most valuable possession is...
my willy, it permits me to expel urine, which is waste product.

My favourite building...
is the sexy new carrington building on campus, it defines sex for all to enjoy. Sadly I can't find any photos for you to enjoy on google, but I got a nice image of the B&Q logo, so imagine that here, and feel aroused.

Movie heaven...
is watching a star wars film.

A book that changed me...
is Star Wars the book of the film, its like what I watched in the cinema, but printed in text for me imagine myself. Except red leader was blue leader in the book!

My favourite work of art...
is some of my procrastination art which you can find somewhere on this blog.

The last album I bought/downloaded...
The Go Team!

The person who really makes me laugh...
are professional comedians that are paid to do that kind of stuff.

After watching the empire awards last night, Rob Brydon doing stand up or presenting doesn't make me laugh, just makes me cringe, he's a great comedy actor, not a comedian, stick to what you're good at Rob, please!

The shop I can't walk past...
is Tk Haxxzor without wanting to vomit.

The best invention ever...
is the internets I like the internets.

In ten years time, I hope to be...
a sex offender/ a murderer/ a rapist/ a therapist.

Oh I mis-read the question and thought it said 'hoped not be'

My greatest regret...
is not worth me thinking about because then I'll think 'I regret that'

My life in seven words...
Procastinating.
Typography.
Sleeping.
Makingatitofmyself.
Laughingatthecomedy.
Drinking.
Brushing.

----------------
Now playing: Hear'say - Pure and Simple
via FoxyTunes

Rawk on!

Look!

It's calling you a tart!Oh noes, it's got your name wrong and called you Tom!


Just some of the wonderful gags you can have with condiments when you're next eating out with friends, try it for yourself, and see how quickly your friends disown you, because you're making them laugh so hard they forget to laugh.

Next week I'll give you my world famous fortune teller gag, for when you're eating out with friends, get the bill and make a fortune teller from the receipt.