Random bullet pointed list on me Portugal Hol

Hello there, I can't really remember specific days about my Portugal family holiday (and you wouldn't want an uber detailed drilling down of all my days spent there), it was in the Algarve which I'm informed is a part of Portugal, in a city called Lagos, so here's some bullet points of points of maybe interestment of me holiday. Enjoy!

• This amused me on Lagos' famed 'potato' beach it's a random start to my tale of bullets, so I'll go for it!Now the bird has spoken, do what it says, seperate your trash accordingly for it is cool. And who am I to doubt the good word of a cartoon bird. He's so cute.
  
  
  
• Whilst in Portugal I did a thing called Drinking. It basically consists of passing alcohol through your body until you do something stupid. I went to a charming little pub called Shytes (well it was called Whytes, but for wit purposes let's call it Shytes, because it was shite). I lost the will to make conversation when some how was in the company of a couple of sixteen year olds who said stuff like "oh my god I've only met 4 people here who don't smoke" and "I love Kiss 100" so inthralled was I that I couldn't even be bothered to camp up some horrified and look insulted when they commented my younger sister looked older than me. Shytes, here's me outside there;



• We went on a boat tour and saw lots and lots of rocks, and I took lots and lots of photos of rocks, so lets continue a theme here and post a photo of an interesting rocks. Can you tell what it looks like?It's supposed to look like an elephant.



• Did I mention I got frustratingly sneezy whilst on holiday? When the cat went away on his holiday (at the blinging Cattery) me and him got a bit too intimate in our goodbyes, I was sneezing like mad during the England match on the telly, sneezing like mad at Gatwick Aiport and on the plane, lack of fresh hair, damm you air conditioning. But would it be fecking alright once in Portugal? Fuck no, there was a 2 hour long coach journey which became a four hour long one when the coach broke down, by then my eyes were fecking streaming so much that the fecking sun pearced the retinas to make them leek some more, which links me to point five;



• I became lumped with a football team to support. Now like everyone I loves soccerball, my favourite team being the Manchester Arsenals, but what with my eyes streaming I need a cap to keep that fecker out the eyes, I couldn't give a shit what the hat looked like, my sister gave some shit and steered me away from a touristy Algarve hat to a hat which said Sporting Portugal, which I assumed meant just sporting in Portugal, but after a week there I came to full realisation my sister had caused me to become lumped with a football team! Eeeek. Some guys in the catherdral ticket office started wittering at me in rather articulate english about how Sporting Portugal were crap, to which I did a sheepish grin, I wasn't going to fake offence! I couldn't give a rodger about them being a team. Then someone pleeding for tourists told me my team were a great team to which I did a thumbs up, so I guess I am a Sporting Portugal football supporter, dear god.Gramtically Sporting Portugal sound piss poor, but thats for me to think, and for you not to think, don't go slagging off my team.



• What else to say? I was horrified to see McDonalds had infected the potato beach by putting on a dance stage to get young kids to dance along with an adult. Quite horrified when I heard they were dancing to Nivana. Basically I don't like to jump to conclusions but McDonalds want kids to grow up like that guy who killed himself. Bastards.



• And to conclude, I didn't really get a tan and mostly hid in the comfort of the shade. Another happy ending for all.
  

MeMe on a Monday, what a novelty

Dan did this Empire magazine based MeMe, I read Empire magazine, every month, why did I not think to do a similar thing sooner, because I'm an incompotent MeMe generator, unless anyone wants me to make one, then I'd raise to the challenge and produce shit. Anyway, here's me answers.

1) What's your idea of "heaven on Earth"?
A World where my younger sister is happy to help when I ask, because I had a cat on lap and had movement restricted, if she'd happily walk from her room to mine to pass my remote to turn on my speakers to me because the remote was at the other end of my room and I couldn't disturb the cat. Instead she stole my remote. Heartbreak. That would be be heaven on earth if I had a sister who would help my lazy arse.

2) Were you a teenage rebel?
Oh yes, I rebelled against the system, parents would rather I went out socialisng but I stay inside, what a rebel.

3) Who is the best James Bond?
Not really bothered about those James Bonds, but the new one Daniel Craig David is pretty good. What I mean by that is he is good, I wouldn't know about the pretty, although he has big ears.

4) Who is the person you most despise?
The person who phoned my mobile this morning asking if I was Graham Cook. I've ranted about this in my facebook status already, but if there is one thing I enjoy more than ranting about miniscule things, that is ranting again and again about trivial matters. 9:45 AM I was phoned if that was Graham Cook, not it fucking wasn't, how dare you interupt my sleeping pattern. I just said no it wasn't, and they said thanks anyway. Thanks anyway? thanks for what? for dissapointing your serach for Graham Cook. How very dare they.

Another person would say I should have been out of bed by 9:45 AM anyway, well probably, but yeah but no but yeah but this whole thing happened where I worked a tweleve hour and half shift at work, but yeah I say work, most of the time I was say there doing shit all, you slag.

Graham Cook? What an outrage. I couldn't get back to sleep after that, I now hate Graham Cook. As well as the person who phoned, if they weren't a lady I might think they are Graham Cook. Graham Cook does things out of spite.

5) Have you ever had a supernatual experience?
Not yet, unless Graham Cook is going to haunt my dreams tonight, I have a feeling he might, I have said I hate him.Here is an etching of a Graham Cook, not mine probably, he's probably dead this Graham Cook, so that would mean a supernatural experience may very well happen from this Graham Cook.

6) What do you want to have written on your tombstone?
Not Graham Cook.

7) What was the last film you walked out of?
I've not actually walked out of a film, only 2 films that I can remember I have walked out to go for a wizz, those films being Pearl Harbour and my second viewing of the Simpsons movie. I'd rather hold on for dear life than lose out on my penny paid for cineam trip. I bet Graham Cook walks out of all the film he sees, because he sets the bar far too high for any film he sees, apart from Transformers the movie, he enjoyed the subtext.

8) Do you do your own shopping?
Yes. How many men who are confused for Graham Cook can say that. Now I begin to think more and more about Graham Cook I might phone back the lady and ask if Graham Cook is there. That'll teach them. Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha.

9) How much is a pint of milk?
Milk. I, like many Graham Cooks, don't by milk, I let others buy me milk for my own evil cereal purposes.

10) Do you use public transport?
Boy do I. I'm still currently going through my second I hate driving lessons period in my life so shall still rely on public transport.

11) Have you ever stolen from a hotel?
No, but I know someone who has his first name begins with a G, and his surname begins with a C. It's Graham Cook.

12) How do you behave when you are drunk?
Good by auquardness. Wahey! Vocal, and I make a tit of myself and say stupid things. The usual drunken stuff.

13) What's the worst film you've seen?
Pearl Harbour. I watched a few minutes of it a few weeks ago, reminded me what an insulting film it is. Don't let me detract from my Graham Cook rant by letting me rant about Pearl Harbour. The Team America soundtrack said it best when they said 'Pearl Harbor [sic] sucks'.

14) How far is too far?
Menitoning Graham Cook in every single answer to these questions, thats going too far.

15) Who was your favourite cartoon character as a kid?
Sadly my future Graham Cook cartoon series wasn't around when I was a kid, so it would be normal stuff like the ten o'clock news or summat.

16) If your life depended on it, would you eat human flesh?
I dunno, ask me when I'm living on the streets because Graham Cook has stolen every penny I have. He's worse than Stalin.

17) Can you swear in a foreign language?
Ja. I can say shit in German.

Tee Hee.

18) Have you lied during this?
Yes, I don't despise Graham Cook, he's probably a nice lad, I just was mildly irritated by being woken up this morning by a phone call, my fault for not turning off my mobile, I'm really moaning about nothing.

Now to end on a happy no mention of Graham Cook note, here's me and Mr.Blobby, goodbye.And they call it Blobby love, well I guess they'll never know.

Wot I as been upto

Clapham Junction is what I've been upto. Yawn another post where some weirdo proclaims his love for a train station. Big shitting deal. Move on. Well I made two 'Via Clapham Junction dream trips' this week. Thats the justification for the love. Lovification.Woof, what a surname.

I say 'another post where some weirdo proclaims his love for a train station' like I'm not alone in a strong plutonic love for Clapham Junction.

Via Clapham Junction Dream Trip Number One.

I went down to Dorset (via Clapham Junction) for a camping trip in a friends garden, the camping in the garden didn't really agree with me, but I had fun, checking out the sites of Weymouth and Bournemouth (they have beaches biatches), seeing the simpsons movie again this time stone faced but not wanting to slag it off because everyone else seems to like it! I enjoyed busting some moves on a dance machine (Javine, my favourite), I enjoyed some confusion at having a suprise birthday party about 11 days early, so unclued was I, I just was an infuriating guest and not able to understand subtle hints for me to fuck off out of the room. Woe is me. And I got buried in sand in Bournemouth not once, but twice, here is a photo of me buried the first time. I'm a pretty mermaid!I went on some ride that went upside down that made me question weather I liked rides like that, I thought as I could cope when rollercoasters went upside down sometimes I could cope with this ride that span upside down. I just closed my eyes half way through and clutched onto the metal bar for dear life.Can you see the ginger hair flying in the pic? Spot the ginge, the books will be bigger than Where's wally. Love them books, good stories. And that was via Clapham Junction dream trip number one, now onto...


Via Clapham Junction Dream Trip Number Two.

I went to the final recording of That Mitchell and Webb Look Series 2 (Really? Have to wait till February for it to air on the telly? What an outrage!). I mostly just wanted to go so I could have my photo taken with the Dalek thats at the BBC, which I did.I wanted to get a bit more intimate, but when the man told me not too touch it, I slightly held back my sexual urges for the dalek.Still it looks like me and the Dalek were making out, so it's all good.

As for the comedy, it was funny, well most of it. The warm up man failed to generate any real wit, I'm not that fussy, but someone with enthusiasm wouldn't go a miss would it, not some guy with some 'ironic dark material' like Ricky Gervias Ironic racist material. Still Mitchells and Webbs, some good stuff, Dan's gone into enough detail for me not to repeat what he's said, or I could copy and paste what he has said. That's lazy, but I am a lazy blogger nowadays. Zombie Big Brother parody, not funny, Numberwang and parodies of other teevee shows, funny. And on the plus, I didn't need a wee during the show despite having three half litre bottles of coke at my disposal. It's all gravy. No, not coca-cola with Gravy, that wouldn't work. And I got to pass through Clapham Junction earning a tedious enough link for both of these blog details of these escapades. Wahey!

Now to try and teniously link my holiday to Portugal in a few days time with Clapham Junction, I might fail.

Portugues people have visited Clapham Junction, like me.

Dear Coca-Cola

Why is it that Poland gets the cool looking Cherry Coke cans, but the UK has to suffer the re branding wrath of coca cola corporation and give us the boring Coca Cola Cherry.Incidently I found the Cherry Coke can not in Poland, but in Clapham Junction, which some might say is an awful lot like Poland. I've never been to Poland, but I'm guessing it's just like Clapham Junction. I paid 65p for the can. Was it worth it? Well it was a good start to my delightful trip down to Bournemouth for a few days. I'll post some photos of that at some point, once I get hold of the most embarassing snaps of me. Dan just wanted a blog. It's all about appeasment, like the build up to World War 2. Which started when Hitler invaded Clapham Junction.

Quit blogging ginger shit and do a MeMe

Alllriiiggghhhht. Here goes. Stolen from Dan. It's Mittwoch MeMe, everyone's favourite time of the week. Or time of the month. Periods.

My favourite chocolate bar is... Mars or Twix, or KitKat, or Club (if you like alot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club) or Breakaway. Any of those. Oh and those Maltessars that come in Celebrations, they're great. But are they a bar?

If I could I wish I could... bring back hanging for treason? I don't know really what I'd wish for. Maybe for someone to take away all the technology in my room so I'd be forced to leave the house, but that wouldn't really be a wish, more a blessing in disguise (more than meets the eye).

My ideal night out would be... being back at uni and doing the Quiz and Karaoke with some good friends. Very rarely the karaoke with the good friends, mostly the karaoke with myself on the stage lighting it up.

If I was a character in Hollyoaks, the producers would probably make me be... have a girlfriend, as if I'm capeable of doing that. You are silly Hollyoaks producers. That or they'd make me black.

My favourite Krispy Kreme is... not the one I had once when I ate it from one hand and the jam ended up oozing down the opposite sleeve. The one I had at Gatwick was nice when I got a nice handfull of change.

The place I want to visit most is... the marketing hot bods behind when is a good deal on car insurance not a good deal on car insurance? and riff and point out really obvious stuff like when you're insuring a wagon.

If I really love you, I will... proclaim my love for all the blogosphere to hear.

My ideal meal would be... a burger with chips, because I lack imagination and there's something nice about a bit of beef (or chicken) sandwhiched in a bun with some optional extras.

I fantasise about... a big tree who would knock on my window and talk to me about Wimbledon, he'd tell me about his proposed move to Croydon and I'd talk him out of it. For a start the Forbidden Planet from my recollection of a few years back is a bit of a mess unless they've done it up. I'd recommend to the tree to visit Croydon on the off chance the Forbidden Planet in Croydon is less of a tip.

I think that if I had a mutant power, I would probably end up with... the ability to be less socially inept in conversations. Or less fearful and puzzled by strangers who start having conversations with me because I'm sat down on a county park bench on my own. Delightful Chap. I think he wanted to walk with me.

My favourite cocktail is... I dunno, I had a couple of pitchers of cocktail at Wetherspoons this one time, it didn't make me that pissed, I don't know why.

If I dislike someone, I will... maintain pleasentries, because pleasentries are more bearable than conflictries.

I prefer to drink... Urine to trying tea or coffee.

I was happiest in "social" terms at... the age when I wasn't aware of social terms, when I was young and happy hanging around outside in my close.

I am impressed most by... the strange ability me and my friend have of just having baffling strange MSN conversations that steer to somewhere odd, we are currently talking about stalin talking to nazis in an irish accent and him telling them they cant win and me cheering while he rubs my shoulders. How does one even begin to explain how this conversation started?

I cannot eat... food that is Chinese or Thai, because that would mean I'd have to make the effort to try it and it just don't appeal to me.

I worry most about... my own inadequacies when I really should not give a toss and go with the flow.

I have stayed with my job for more than 5 years because... I have? my current job is only a month in, and will be a month till I'm out, it's just some temp filler work.

The customer I dislike the most is... Oh let's not go there shall we?

I will cry at... I dunno, I'd like to say emotinal telly, but I couldn't shed a tear when Billy died in Battlestar Galatica. Why Billy? Whhhhhhy!I maybe a bit behind with this teevee thing show. Have I spoilt the death of a minor character? I hope not.

If I had £50 to blow, I would... blow it on DVDs, toys and other wank I don't really need. I wouldn't blow it on a wank, they're free.

To get out of doing PE at school, I have... pretended I'd forgotten my kit when in actual fact I was far to organise to do that, and I'd have it in my bag, but I'd tell them I didn't. It worked most of the time. Although I got a lousy school report for P.E. Shame.

My biggest regret is... not making the effort.

I would like to... tell you about my new title as fascist dictatorship shoulder festish bitch.

I would rather be friends with someone who is... a bit unsure of themselves rather than an arogant cock.

The most disgusting toilet I have ever been to is... this one.I found it on facebook, it is an actual photo of one of the digusting toilets I have ever seen. Why this is on facebook? I don't know.

If someone tells me something (that isn't illegal or a health risk) in confidence, I will... want to tell someone.

I am upset about someone/something, I will... keep it trapped indoors.

This MeMe looked alot longer than I thought.

Ginger Civil Rights Month

Did you know that this August is ginger civil rights month? No? What's that, you're saying, why should you care? Well I'll give you good reason to care. In the July the 9th edition of Woman Vanessa Feltz in an opinion peice about the smoking ban couldn't help but force in her own gingerphobic views in a completley unrelated topic.*

'I... like draconian bans'

'Soon people won't be able to go places... because they have red hair'

Vanessa is saying that gingers shouldn't be allowed in certain places. Oh when will the segregation end! Can the ginger man not go in the average man's pub?

Is that good enough reason to put pressure on Gordon Brown to pass a ginger civil rights bill? I think so. Make sure you write to your local MP expressing your continuing disgust at the lack of civil rights for gingers.

I would slag off Vanessa as retaliation, but I'm above that.Although come think of it, I don't really care for your sketch show Little Britain Vanessa.

*quotes may have been slightly taken out of context.

Gingerphobia is rife in my family!

You'd think having a ginger aunt, and a great grandfather who was ginger (he apparently would tell people he was ginger) would mean I had a pretty tolerant family. But sadly my sister insists on ginger segregation with this present from her recent holiday.Ginger chocolates for a ginger man? Outrageous.

But how do they taste you ask? Well in an anology for ginger people, they initially seem like a good idea, but become bland, dull, annoying and you realise they just don't work!

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Now playing: Jarvis Cocker - Running The World
via FoxyTunes

Sigh, I wish Gingers were running the world.

Stop! Novella time!

I may have taken a break from writing my hit novella Ginger Pubes but I was just waiting for my own real life ginger pubes life experiences to occur and creep their way into my hit novella Ginger Pubes.

Chapter Three: Escape.

He chose EasyJet because of their overtly ginger branding, with his hair in contrast to the lovely orange infected on all things easy it would look almost brown. It was a smart move to make for his planned holiday (Or escapology as he called based on the title of a Robbie Williams album until he realised it wasn't the album with Angels, but the album with Feel which he hated, and then found out escapology wasn't really a befiting title for a holiday when he found out it was the practice of escaping from restraints, unless you call Gingerphobia restraints). To Spain he wanted to go, seeingly unaware of the large British expat community Spain side. He arrived, miles outside Spain, oh the perks of the tour operator. Someone attractive aproached him in the arrivals hall, they looked like someone from Las Ketchup, except the difference was this person seemed to act like they knew him in stark contrast to when he tried to bluff his way into a Las Ketchup concert hoping they'd pretend to know him. "Ronnie" she called him. Well that wasn't his name, not even close, it starts with a Z for starts. "Ronnie Weasley" He sighed, this escapology might not be the most befiting for a ginger pubes tormented man. Besides don't call it Escapology, it doesn't have that song Angels. He wants that played at his wedding.Escapology is available from Amazon for the bargain (don't turn to piracy) price of £10.99