It's the 95th blog post spectacular!

And to celebrate I'm just gonna do this pesky MeMe what Dan and Chezza has done.

1. Where is the last place you held hands?
Held hands? Does this include myself? I hope so, I love holding my hands, because they always grip back. If that does include what I has just said then I would say in Crawley.

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
Well friends have said I should go to Iraq and I'd be shot because they'd think I was Prince Harry. They'd want me there as a Harry Ginger Decoy or summat. So probably would not survive if there telling the truth, I think one of the people who said that is Navy bound in his future life beyond the university, so he should know.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
I dare say I've fallen asleep once or twice when the TV has been on, I even dare say I fell asleep during an episode of Heroes I was watching. Sorry, I do loves the show. Really.

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
No, though I have pissed straight into the carton, I don't mind revealing that.

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Spelling? But I still don't know how to spell through or threw. Gah!

6. What is your longest fight with one of your friends?
A few days? I mostly cower out in situations where I might have a fight. Are we talking proper fighting though? Bitch fighting? Slapping? Fisty Cuffs? I'm confused.

7. Are you a fast typer?
Pretty fast, wanna watch me do one in a video blog. Just kidding, I'm not doing a video blog anytime soon. They're shit, well mine are.

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
Not anymore. Though I was upto 12 when everyone else wanted the lights out in a hostel in Germany, but I didn't. That caused a falling out for a day. Crazy days. That forced me to toughen up. Yeah. I started fights shortly after not being afraid of the dark anymore. Yeah, fights.

9. Do you like someone right now?
I like people, I don't like some people. Swings and Roundabouts. Now I love them.

10. What ended your last relationship?
Failing to start it.

12. Do you knock on wood?
I don't tap my erections, that just hurts.

13. Are you drinking anything right now?
No, apart from my sweat. Lovely sweat.

14. Do you think you’re smart?
I think I'm smarter than I give myself credit for, but too lazy to be any smarter. And too lazy to justify any intelligence around people who are smarter than me.

15. Have you ever eaten a bug?
Can't say that I have, I'm yet to go on I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here when my daytime quiz show falls flat on its arse and I'm out of work. My quiz show would be called Quiz Factor.

16. Do you miss someone right now?
I miss you mate, you're a ruddy good mate. I guess I'm missing all the lovely people I know in Reading, but I shall see them when Term resumes! Whoop! I say resume, I mean starts.

17. What do you want for christmas?
Oh the usual, lots of DVDs.

18. Do you know the muffin man?
Know him? I suck off the muffin man.

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
Not as far as I know.

20. Do you remember your 1st crush?
Yes, and I didn't do anything about it like I don't do anything about crushes now, some things never change.

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
Oh Yeah, once let go of a kite on Worthing beach. Upsetting times. Fortunatly I man caught it. Never did get round to knighting that saint. Do you knight a saint?

22. When was the last time that you went swimming and where?
Fuck knows. I can't swim after three years of lessons. I'm lazy and incompotent.

23. Do you consider yourself successful?
No. I haven't even finished my degree yet or doing anything to suceed with, other than gaining those GCSEs and A Levels.

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell phone?
Fifty, I have fifty numbers on my phone, I only know that number because I had to copy over fifty numbers when I got my new phone. Might be fifty-one now.

25. Have you ever asked for a horse?
No. What would I do with a horse? Mount it?

26. Plans for 2MORROW?
Laze around Mofo.

27. What did you do this past weekend?
Watched Run, Fat Boy, Run at the cinema, which is quite good if a bit cliched (Simon Pegg and Dylan Moran make the film) and walked around Wakehurst place which was alright.

28. Miss being at school right now?
Not really, I have university.

29. When’s the last time you told someone you loved them?
The cat today.

30. Do you want to be single?
It's alright, although a partnership would be nice.

32. Who’s your hero?
Steve Coogan.

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
No, but I remembered today that for one or two days I was banned from the library at school, sadly I can't remember why. Might of been eating in the library, I really can't remember.

34. What are you looking forward to?
To my next driving lesson so when I'm asked my parents how it went I can 'grunt' a reply. Ugh.

35. If you could be stranded with one person for 24 hours, who would it be?
Someone lovely. And weird.

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
Can't say I have, tried cat biscuit though when a friend liked them (back when he was seven or sumamt), I tried them too, they tasted of metal, he must of been mental that friend.

38. Can you handle the truth?
NO. CUSHION ME WITH LIES.

39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
What? Green eggs? Green ham? What is wrong with this planet of ours!

40. What 3 things do you always bring with you to places?
Wallet, keys and phone.

41. Any cool scars?
I've got two dents in my head, one from a radiator, one from a tennis racket.

42. Are you missing in action?
Yes. Find me, please!

44. What’s your deepest secret?
That I want a polo mint.

45. How often do you talk on the phone?
Very little. Phone calls scare me, though I had a call with Reading Borough Council today, good five minutes of hardcore classical music.

46. Do you believe in love?
I suppose, can I have some please?

47. Is there something you want that you can’t have?
Probably, but I'm far, far, far too lazy to have that thing.

48. Four things about the preferred sex that you first notice?
Tits and Arse? Multiplied by two. Will that do as an answer?

49. When was your last time you cried?
When Anakin murdered those Younglings. Cunt.

50. Who did you last hug?
Someone who probably desereved it. Scum.

51. Do you get along with your family?
Yes I do, lovely people.

52. Where is your phone?
On my desk. Wanna call it? I hate phone calls, piss me off, dares ya.

53. What was the last thing you ate?
Curry.

54. Favorite color?
Blue.

55. Last movie you saw?
I just watched Star Wars: Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith. It's a good film, really. Sure flawed, quite flawed, but discussion of flawed films is fun.

56. What song are you listening to?
Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty, it came up randomly on me media player, it's a banging tune.

I'm proof reading at the moment and listening to Bob the Builders hit Can we fix it. It came up randomly.

57. What do you want?
Something to do.

58. Favorite car?
Vauxhall Labrador.

59. What T.V. show are you watchin?
Well today I watched Flight of the Conchords, so deliciously underplayed, I love it. And I've been watching Heroes and Battlestar Galactica.

60. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
The lady at Reading Borough Council, I think I love her. Admitedly our conversation was mostly full of silence and her getting up details, but there was a connection, she had a voice, I had a voice, we both had voices.

Cuntry Walk time!

WARNING: If you don't like looking at photographs, might I recommend you skip this blog.Today in the means of being productive I decided to go on a country walk (or cuntry walk if we want to be crude), down a stretch of public bridleway that I hold most dear to me, over four years of intense schooling in which I gained my qualifications (like GCSE German) this bridleway would be become very dear to my heart, there were good times (the sun), there were bad times (the rain), there were confusing time (the hail), but I came to know this public bridleway as my second brother (after the cat). Join me with your hearts open to embrace the beauty of the Worth Way public bridleway in the beautiful West Side Sussex. Here is the duck pond full of crap. This one time back when I were lad before I gained me qualifications (like GCSE German) I fell in there, well I say one time, it might have been more than once. Needless to say from looking at the contents of the pond I must have smelt fucking horrible after my dips in there. But back in those days the kids would praise you for smelling like toxic waste. It was like a beauty scar some might say.How some kid gets world wide media coverage for going missing and this Harris Hawk going missing get's no publicity I'll never know. I would love to inform you I found the Harris hawk on my travels, but alas sadly not, I don't really know much of Harris Hawks work unlike his brother Chesney, I know all about his work (and I mean work, that one hit wonder scum boat).Here are some railway sleepers, well I assume they are, to be honest I wouldn't really know what railway sleepers looked like if I got struck in the face by one (but if they are what I am assuming they look like in the photo, than face sleeper combination probably equals quite a bang. Ouch. They'd fucking knock out my eyes). There used to be a railway line down here didn't you know? Until the evil Dr. Beeching closed it down. And thats why the residants of Sussex curse Dr. Beeching, and you just know that all the evil kids out there in Sussex have been named Beeching in line with popular conception that Dr. Beeching was sent here by the devil. Oh shit, how did that get in there, no one is supposed to know of my horse shit fascination. But now its out in the open, I guess I must explain the hardships I had when I were a lad just doing your qualifications (like GCSE German) and the kids would think you were uncool if you didn't cycle in the horse shit. Like the toxic waste daring, kids became more hardcore the older they got.Here is a bridge, I would tell you the story of when the Bridge collapsed and us teenagers rebuilt it only on enthusiasm and a desire to help the local community, but I remember that story isn't believable in the slightest, and I can't think of a decent punchline. So let's just all salute the Bridge. All hail the bridge.

And this is where our cuntry walk time must end, I hope you've enjoyed the walk, felt you were there and want to embrace this public bridleway, but not too much, there's horse shit on there, quite a bit actually, really smelly stuff. Goodbye and thank you.

Sign Time is back!

Gary reminded me of a lovely blog event I used to do on my old blog (back when I wasn't a Ginger Bastard) in which I motivated myself to revise with signs. It became a phenomenon (well one person remembered it). So here it is a new sign time for a new age, back with vengence.

That Naff MeMe because I have Naff all imagination

Something Chezza did on her blog of lusting, a Life survey, and seeing as I'm not sure if I have a life or not, I hope, no pray, that is survey will inform me. Do your thang!


LIFE SURVEY
LAST:
1. Friend you saw: I met up with some old school friends at t'pub, people I hadn't seen for over two years. Delightful comapny.
2. Talked to on the phone: Dunno, someone who wanted to talk to my sister, might have been her boyfriend, I just don't know.
3. Texted: I texted my boss to ask if there was any work going on Friday, still fuck all response, bit pissed off really about that, I need something to do in September!
4. IMed: The Chezza lady.

TODAY:
1. Wearing: Jeans, pants, a T Shirt and as of 2:45 PM (ish) socks.
2. Better than yesterday? Not really. Bit dull really, been lazing around. Yesterday I did some proper hardcore shopping, I spent £70. Ouch.

TOMORROW
1. Is: Monday
2. Got plans: Yes, I'm going to the cinema to see Knocked Up which apparently is this like well amazing comedy. I trust the reviews, even if the teaser trailer didn't inspire me that much.
3. Dislikes: about tomorrow? I don't think there will be much to dislike. Unless I spend another £70 in Crawley again, which I doubt I will.

FAVORITE:
1. Number: 1138
2. Colour: The colour of my poos? Purple incase you're wondering
3. Season: Well in most cases season one of a TV show is probably the best, but not always, lets go with law of averages and go with first. Or Second.

CURRENTLY:
1. Missing someone: Trying to think of something witty to say instead, but after stroking my stubble for a few minutes I've failed.
2. Mood: Failure, I couldn't think of anything to pass for witty to answer the preeceding question.
3. Wanting to: Try and answer these questions with some wit instead of Yep, Nope, Fuck you. No I will not rub till ejaculation, you people ask far too much from me.

QUESTIONS / ANSWERS:
Q: First thing you did this morning?
Woke up and went back to sleep?

Q: Last thing you ate and drank?
Sunday Roast with coca-cola.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
I need something to do with my September.

Q: What's annoying you right now?
That I'll have nothing to do with my September.

Q: Do you support long distance relationships?
If it gives me something to do with my September, then why not?

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
The person that'll amuse me this September?

Q: Do you think that that person is thinking of you too?
I don't know, wake me up when September ends.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
Not left the house today sadly. Oh well. Never mind.

Q: Do you look like your mum or dad?
I think I look a bit like my Dad, but I'm not posting a photo collage because I can't think of a witty excuse to say I'm not posting photos of other peeps on my blog.

Q: Do you smile often?
Yeah. Look at me now, I'm smiling Jez.

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity)?
Creativity

Q: Are you a friendly person?
I am at times, and some other times I just don't try and prefer to come across as an awkward dick.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue.

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?
Playing with my new phone. It has a camera in it, what will they think of next. Maybe a means for me to write down in the form of text to message a well meaning benefactor what I might communicate in a phone call, but instead send it to them in text form. Yeah, that.

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?
about half an hour ago at tea.

Q: What song are you listening to right now?
I was listening to some Orange Anubis music, he's like well good.

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10:
5. Would be better if I had something to do with my september.

SAD SECTION:
Where there was questions on Crying, so instead I'm just gonna insert this picture.

HAPPY SECTION:
Where there was questions on happiness so instead I'm gonna insert this picture

LOVE SECTION:
Where there were questions on love so I'm going to insert this picture.

RELATIONSHIP SECTION:
Where there was questions on relationships so I'm just going to insert this picture.

HATE SECTION:
Where there was questions on hate so I'm just going to insert his picture.

I once watched an episode of This Morning where Fergie cooked a curry, Zippy was no where to be seen.

If you want to see the MeMe in its complete form, look at Chezza answers to it, I may have slightly man handled it.

New Novella time

I'm taking a break from writing my hit novella ginger pubes to concentrate on my new Novella entitled 'Graham Cook rewalks Britain'. Here's the first chapter.

Chapter One. Insanity.

Since getting a car Graham Cook just didn't walk anymore, which was a shame as during his time as a walker, he walked through some terrific locales, walking pass some terrific flea riden piss soaked people on the streets. But the posession (not ownership, he possesed the motormobile) of a car had stopped the walking, driving to the postbox down the road deprived him the joy of making trainer contact with cobbles (Or stilettos when on weekends). Cobble deprivation you may call it. A desease yet to be full recognised by the labour government. Going slightly insane, with his legs very much taking control of his brain, Graham Cook torched his car, well let someone else do it, well wanted to let someone else do it. This was going to tbe easier said than done. Graham left his car abondoned on the motorway hoping that would encourage someone to torch it. No such luck. He tried painting on the car 'Torch me' but he ended up just getting DVD copies of Torchwood left on the car left by overly critical Doctor Who fans who just didn't quite appreciate watching wanking and aliens in the same show. To hell with it thought Graham, and having listened to the Prodigy's hit ballad Firestarter, he was pent up with enough enthusiasm and loaded with tips on how to be a fire starter that he could do the job himself and start a fire. And also he could burn the Torchwood DVDs whilst he was at it, bit too welsh for this in the closet welsh man's tastes. With the DVDs burnt and also the car, as well as putting a message to Russel T Davis and increasing his carbon footprint, his legs could now get their full useage, he could walk to places. And what better places to walk than places you used to walk before you had a car. Watch out pedistrians and foul members of the public who hurl abuse at walkers by, Graham Cook would be rewalking back past you. Graham Cook would be rewalking Britain.