New Novella time

I'm taking a break from writing my hit novella ginger pubes to concentrate on my new Novella entitled 'Graham Cook rewalks Britain'. Here's the first chapter.

Chapter One. Insanity.

Since getting a car Graham Cook just didn't walk anymore, which was a shame as during his time as a walker, he walked through some terrific locales, walking pass some terrific flea riden piss soaked people on the streets. But the posession (not ownership, he possesed the motormobile) of a car had stopped the walking, driving to the postbox down the road deprived him the joy of making trainer contact with cobbles (Or stilettos when on weekends). Cobble deprivation you may call it. A desease yet to be full recognised by the labour government. Going slightly insane, with his legs very much taking control of his brain, Graham Cook torched his car, well let someone else do it, well wanted to let someone else do it. This was going to tbe easier said than done. Graham left his car abondoned on the motorway hoping that would encourage someone to torch it. No such luck. He tried painting on the car 'Torch me' but he ended up just getting DVD copies of Torchwood left on the car left by overly critical Doctor Who fans who just didn't quite appreciate watching wanking and aliens in the same show. To hell with it thought Graham, and having listened to the Prodigy's hit ballad Firestarter, he was pent up with enough enthusiasm and loaded with tips on how to be a fire starter that he could do the job himself and start a fire. And also he could burn the Torchwood DVDs whilst he was at it, bit too welsh for this in the closet welsh man's tastes. With the DVDs burnt and also the car, as well as putting a message to Russel T Davis and increasing his carbon footprint, his legs could now get their full useage, he could walk to places. And what better places to walk than places you used to walk before you had a car. Watch out pedistrians and foul members of the public who hurl abuse at walkers by, Graham Cook would be rewalking back past you. Graham Cook would be rewalking Britain.

MeMe on a Monday, what a novelty

Dan did this Empire magazine based MeMe, I read Empire magazine, every month, why did I not think to do a similar thing sooner, because I'm an incompotent MeMe generator, unless anyone wants me to make one, then I'd raise to the challenge and produce shit. Anyway, here's me answers.

1) What's your idea of "heaven on Earth"?
A World where my younger sister is happy to help when I ask, because I had a cat on lap and had movement restricted, if she'd happily walk from her room to mine to pass my remote to turn on my speakers to me because the remote was at the other end of my room and I couldn't disturb the cat. Instead she stole my remote. Heartbreak. That would be be heaven on earth if I had a sister who would help my lazy arse.

2) Were you a teenage rebel?
Oh yes, I rebelled against the system, parents would rather I went out socialisng but I stay inside, what a rebel.

3) Who is the best James Bond?
Not really bothered about those James Bonds, but the new one Daniel Craig David is pretty good. What I mean by that is he is good, I wouldn't know about the pretty, although he has big ears.

4) Who is the person you most despise?
The person who phoned my mobile this morning asking if I was Graham Cook. I've ranted about this in my facebook status already, but if there is one thing I enjoy more than ranting about miniscule things, that is ranting again and again about trivial matters. 9:45 AM I was phoned if that was Graham Cook, not it fucking wasn't, how dare you interupt my sleeping pattern. I just said no it wasn't, and they said thanks anyway. Thanks anyway? thanks for what? for dissapointing your serach for Graham Cook. How very dare they.

Another person would say I should have been out of bed by 9:45 AM anyway, well probably, but yeah but no but yeah but this whole thing happened where I worked a tweleve hour and half shift at work, but yeah I say work, most of the time I was say there doing shit all, you slag.

Graham Cook? What an outrage. I couldn't get back to sleep after that, I now hate Graham Cook. As well as the person who phoned, if they weren't a lady I might think they are Graham Cook. Graham Cook does things out of spite.

5) Have you ever had a supernatual experience?
Not yet, unless Graham Cook is going to haunt my dreams tonight, I have a feeling he might, I have said I hate him.Here is an etching of a Graham Cook, not mine probably, he's probably dead this Graham Cook, so that would mean a supernatural experience may very well happen from this Graham Cook.

6) What do you want to have written on your tombstone?
Not Graham Cook.

7) What was the last film you walked out of?
I've not actually walked out of a film, only 2 films that I can remember I have walked out to go for a wizz, those films being Pearl Harbour and my second viewing of the Simpsons movie. I'd rather hold on for dear life than lose out on my penny paid for cineam trip. I bet Graham Cook walks out of all the film he sees, because he sets the bar far too high for any film he sees, apart from Transformers the movie, he enjoyed the subtext.

8) Do you do your own shopping?
Yes. How many men who are confused for Graham Cook can say that. Now I begin to think more and more about Graham Cook I might phone back the lady and ask if Graham Cook is there. That'll teach them. Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha.

9) How much is a pint of milk?
Milk. I, like many Graham Cooks, don't by milk, I let others buy me milk for my own evil cereal purposes.

10) Do you use public transport?
Boy do I. I'm still currently going through my second I hate driving lessons period in my life so shall still rely on public transport.

11) Have you ever stolen from a hotel?
No, but I know someone who has his first name begins with a G, and his surname begins with a C. It's Graham Cook.

12) How do you behave when you are drunk?
Good by auquardness. Wahey! Vocal, and I make a tit of myself and say stupid things. The usual drunken stuff.

13) What's the worst film you've seen?
Pearl Harbour. I watched a few minutes of it a few weeks ago, reminded me what an insulting film it is. Don't let me detract from my Graham Cook rant by letting me rant about Pearl Harbour. The Team America soundtrack said it best when they said 'Pearl Harbor [sic] sucks'.

14) How far is too far?
Menitoning Graham Cook in every single answer to these questions, thats going too far.

15) Who was your favourite cartoon character as a kid?
Sadly my future Graham Cook cartoon series wasn't around when I was a kid, so it would be normal stuff like the ten o'clock news or summat.

16) If your life depended on it, would you eat human flesh?
I dunno, ask me when I'm living on the streets because Graham Cook has stolen every penny I have. He's worse than Stalin.

17) Can you swear in a foreign language?
Ja. I can say shit in German.

Tee Hee.

18) Have you lied during this?
Yes, I don't despise Graham Cook, he's probably a nice lad, I just was mildly irritated by being woken up this morning by a phone call, my fault for not turning off my mobile, I'm really moaning about nothing.

Now to end on a happy no mention of Graham Cook note, here's me and Mr.Blobby, goodbye.And they call it Blobby love, well I guess they'll never know.