Myself and cohorts in the asbestos filled halls of residence would be wacky and put crazy signs on bedroom doors awaiting people who passed by to leave wacky answers. Wacky!
I'm not really making much of a point, more just hoping this wacky piece of paper which has survived two years will raise a smile from you dear reader.
Wonderful news, Jordan and Peter Andre have named their third sprog, Princess Tiaamii. Tiaamii I hear you ask, well Peter of Peter Andre fame explains this nonsense word:
Andre came up with the middle name by combining his mother's name, Thea, with that of Jordan's mother, Amy.
"We've put an accent over the first A to make it more exotic and two Is at the end just to make it look a bit different,"
I'm going to use the Andre Formula for my baby's name, now I was thinking of calling my child after two of my favourite swear words, but my child can't have two names, so using the formula my son or daughter (thankfully it doesn't seem gender specific) is going to be called Shïtwankk.
Unless anyone is going to tell me that it's clearly a girls name.
After seeing a student production of that queen musical we will rock you and enjoying the wonderful production, but cringeing in my chair at the sheer awful Ben Elton (he brought a Gnome from the garden centre I worked in, woah gnome fans) scripted musical I thought I could do better myself, so I present a brief (probably) synopsis of my musical about take that entitled 'back for good.'
The musical starts late, ideally running 15 minutes after the advertising time with our four leads Drawoh, Nosaj, Kram and Yrag doing a beautiful rendition of paitence (We will rock you was set in the future for some reason, I'm gonna do the same and make the names sound all future like!). The 15 minutes mentioned might be debateable, the audience may not have paitence and find themselves unable to wait at least ten minutes, this is very much upto the theatre managers to research the level of paitence their audiences have, it might be more up north or less, well they're more friendlier so they should be more paitent. Also if the theatre wants to imply some kind of chaos going on before the powerful rendition of Patience, go for it chaps!
In an incredibly forced and contrived plot, Kram, it emerges is an arsonist, and is on a rampage of Manchester to destroy all memories of all the other musical history in Madchester (other than Take That), whilst singing 'it only take a minute girl' replacing the line 'to fall in love' to 'to torch a building'. The arsoning continues with his burning down of Bez's maracas factory in which Kram sings 'Shine' whilst watching the fire shine, obviously.
After the interval the song back for good is sang because, well they're back from the break, so back for good. Making the audience wait ages again isn't compulsory, but certainly encouraged just to get the most discontent and grumpyness from the auidence and also to fill time for an already incredibly short peice of entertainment.
In Kram's growing difficulty in torching all of Manchester's musical history, he enlists the help of Drawoh, Nosaj and Yrag to help 'relight my fire' and relight the continuing torching of manchester's musical history, but not coronation street, although memories of Adam Rickitt are certainly going to be burned, particularly that stupid plastic case he danced around in that video, it's just as well he's now an MP or summat and it's just as well I'm releasing my deep seated resentment for Adam Rickitt, twat. Once the lads had torched all mentions of other music coming from manchester other than take that (and Mick Hucknall, gotta love those gingers!) they conclude they have no regrets over it and sing Robbie Walliams hit song 'No Regrets' just to confuse and throw the audiences and see how many of them are paying attention. No one really cares if they are paying attention, as long as they are paying.
The whole marvellous production concludes with Never forget, inviting the audience to never forget the production they've just seen. And that's how it's done you good for nothing Gnome buyer.
Note: I don't really hate Adam Rickitt, look I'll link to his offical site and everything. Go look!
Isn't it amazing that the diet coke adverts are back and all slutty? Personally I couldn't give two hoots, what concerns the most about the video is that they don't crush the fucking cans!
Come on ladies, crush the cans, you'll be able to fit in loads more cans of coke. I think the real issue here is as to why you ladies are lazy fuckwits, you just drink coke, surely there should be some fucking files in the bin? Quit fucking slacking off and do some work. I don't believe the supposed company you work for had a special bin just for diet coke cans, and I question as to wether you just survive on diet coke. It's very simple to crush the cans, you probably lovely ladies can even do it with your hands because they where quite inappropriate footwear for the job. Blue Peter taught me how to crush cans when I was younger and it has stuck with me. It's simple, step on the can in the middle leaving the can slightly impacted, then step on either end and it should be nice and flat. Simple.
Just don't get me started on coke zero, coke for wankers.
Coming from a charming village just outside Crawley, I very much will defend my town when under attack, unfortunatly one Robin Ince decided to insult Crawley.
From this lovely article on chortle;
He said: ‘Crawley was a low point. I'll get a week that goes Paris, Milan, Rome, Crawley.
‘When you're walking around Rome, even when you're looking at a statue of Mussolini, you can think, “Wow, this guy had big dreams, big thoughts”. When you arrive in Crawley you just think something has gone awry.’
Mussolini had big dreams? big thoughts? I sincerely think Mr.Ince is failing to see the big dreams and big thoughts coming from some of Crawley's most famous residents.
Take for exaple one Lucy Brown who is from Crawley, she stars in the new ITV Torchwood/Doctor Who rip off Primeval. I can assure Mr Ince that Primeveal has big dreams, it aims to be just like Doctor Who and appeal to exactly the same level. Primeval has big thought such as ITV exectives trying in their power to think of something to tempt those Doctor Who viewers with some mediocre show. In your face Robin Ince, Mussolini never starred in an hit-shit ITV1 show!
Chico Slimani who lived in Crawley from the age of 14, he had big dreams of winning X-factor, he had big thoughts of producing a truely profound song with the hit song (which let's not forget Robin, went to number one for two weeks, more than fucking Mussolini managed) It's Chico time. This song features the moving lyrics of "you can get delirious, if you take life too serious" much better than any of Mussolini's fucking speeches. Infact none of his speeches come to mind, which just shows how crap he was.
Another Crawley resident I believe it's time to bring to light, one Eugene Sully, a former big brother contestant from Crawley. He has big dreams, big thoughts, why only recently he appeared in the studio audience during a transmission of Channel 4's The Charlotte Church Show on the 2nd March 2007. It's not like Mussolini would be able to get to appear in the audience for the Charlotte Church show.
And Mr.Ince as for your unwarranted worship of Mussolini, I've just done some research and found out he established a repressive fascist regime that valued nationalism, militarism, anti-liberalism and anti-communism combined with strict censorship and state propaganda as well as becoming a close personal bum chum of one Adolf 'Evil' Hitler. He's a bad man Robin Ince, the people of Crawley are much nicer than him.
I am of course dabling in the art form of Irony, something a concerend resident didn't seem to understand with this comment; ‘You would hope people were above cheap shots like this.'
Besides the people of Crawley are great, it's not as if they could fuck up someting as simple as a calender... Oh wait... 'Council goes for 367-day year' Muppets!
Everyone loves History, and everyone loves music. But some people love these two subjects too much that they load their music videos with a strong world history subtext to educte as well as entertain. Girl Aloud and Sugababes are no different from anyone of us, they love History! In their music video for Walk this way (which is for charity, charity fans!) they just couldn't resist teaching us about the Berlin Wall.
Look at the strong politcal imagery in the video, Girls Aloud are West Germany and the sugababes are East Germany. To hell with David Hasslehoff, it was these two girlbands which reunited the Germany which was torn apart through the cold war. Or at least that's what the strong politcal anology is showing.
Heidi, obviously over joyed at the though of being reunited with the west is unable to contain her delight at being reuinted with her school yard chum who jumped over the wall in 1961. Look she's got her best earrings on for the event.
Look Heidi picks up a vase to try and break the wall. A strong red chosen to symbolise the sugababes are communist! They're only playing communists mind, Sugababes are very much liberal democrats in real life!
And look, it smashes, obviously showing to anyone (so even morons will understand) that communism collapses or smashes just like a vase being thrown against a wall. Beautiful.
Look the ignorant west is completly shocked by the communist East's collapse. They thought they were having a whale of a time waiting 6 months to get one of those new fangled televisions. It was now that West took note that East wanted to meet West.
So in sheer anger West knocks down the wall (it's pop music, it's providing a very skewed slant on history, they did it at the same time in reality history fans!) but look at the symbolism. It's all about the symbolism, the microphone symbloises the effect of the media on the collapse of the wall. Of course.
And here is the impact, almost homaging when French met the British when the channel tunnel was finished (see Snow Patrol's Eye's Open for a historical pop music take on that event in history).
Look, east is looking completly shocked at the high levels of prosperity in the west. Don't look too horrified ladies, this is a happy ocassion!
And to further illustrate the difference in a way the English can understand they have a rap competition being rapped with English accents, with northen accents for West Germany and East Germany rapped with Southern accents. The differences are really apparent now ladies, thank you!
Look at Cheryl Tweedy Don't mention that incident in a toilet in Guildford Cole's painted on smile. Says it all, whilst they were happy to be re-unified, the West were also a little unhappy with the future finanical cost awaiting them to bring the east back to the prosperity the west enjoyed.
And who should take time out from their busy schedules to celebrate the collapse of the wall? Well obviously that large chap from the office who is like so funny when he eats that scotch egg and that woman from that painfully unfunny sketch show which has 'hilarious' comic observations on life that chavs enjoy! This is obviously symbloising the world watching Germany.
If you'd like to learn more about the Berlin Wall Girls Aloud and the Sugababe's Walk this way will be available in the shops soon, or go to a library.
