That Ginger Bastard's Blog of Bastardry

Moving

2008-08-09T23:33:00.003+01:00

So I've decided (and have) moved my blog, a sort of a re-launch maybe, it's still a little work in progress whilst I decide how to make my blog be all new and stuff, but it most definitely has moved. Visit why not, and remain a visitor by taking in it's majestic beauty at a different URL?

http://gingerevilc.wordpress.com/
See you there, and thanks for all the blogging blogger!

Mee4Mee

2008-07-24T12:25:00.001+01:00

1. Do you know where your dad is right now?
I'm gonna do one of those MeMe's wot I saw on the social networking phenomenon BeFaceSpaceBo, enjoy.

2. Last time you kissed someone?
Downstairs.

3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
Not entirely sure, alcohol was involved.

4. What color is your watch?
I can't tell the time.

5. Do you like anyone?
I can't tell the time.

6. Are you close to your mum?
I like my Mum.

7. Where do you work?
I like my Mum.

8. What are you listening to right now?
N/A

9. What do you smell like?
My sweet lord.

10. What color are your pants?
Like manure.

11. Closest thing to your left?
A lacey red.

12. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Something foul.

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
No, I don't believe in them.

14. What time were you born?
I wouldn't be able to do this without it.

15. Do you play any sports?
In the morning.

16. What's your favorite number?
No, they don't agree with me.

17. Do you know someone named Lori?
One thousand, one hundred and thirty eight.

18. What color is your mom's hair?
Isn't that the name of a shampoo?

19. Do you have a dog?
It's brown.

20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
No, I wasn't allowed.

21. When's the last time you went swimming?
In the summertime.

22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Many years ago.

23. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
About an hour ago.

24. Do you play an instrument?
Once I got one stuck up arse, I wasn't allowed. Shame.

25. Do you like fire?
Only when I'm trying to impress people.

27. When was the last time you cried?
No, it hurts.

28. I love you.
I'm too macho to answer that.

29. Have you ever been to a spa?
Can I get back to you on that?

30. Did you take science all four years of high school?
No, I can't afford it.

31. Do you like butterflies?
I gave it up as soon as I could (at 16).

32. Who made you laugh last?
I don't dislike them.

33. What is one thing you miss about your past?
When I killed someone.

34. Have you ever seen the school counselor?
Being a child

35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
I had one?

36. What is one thing you have learned about life?
I don't want to be a teacher.

37. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not to be jealous of anyone.

38. Is anyone jealous of you?
Why ask that?

39. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
Everyone should be.

40. What does your dad call you?
Once it happened.

41. What does your mum call you?
By my name.

42. What does you hair look like right now?
Shaggy.

43. Has a friend ever used you?
A bit weird.

44. Has anyone recently told you that they like you more than a friend?
Now I think about it, someone probably has.

45. What have you eaten today?
Why would that happen?

46. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Sausages.

47. What is your favourite movie?
My sister.

48. Who was the last person who texted you?
The parole officer.

49. What are you looking forward to?
Orange.

50. How was today?
Hell.

Well that was fun.
Not much has happened today for me to be able to answer that question.

I may have stolen a gag from a two Ronnies sketch, but ten questions into this MeMe I was bored and I had to do something different.Hopefully what I've written makes some sense.

What's that my hilarious comedy sidekick?

2008-07-11T11:53:00.009+01:00

Hilarious comedy sidekick: I like science, I want you to learn some science and report back to me.
Me: I have a GCSE in Science studies, dual award which is double the fun, what do want to know?
Hilarious comedy sidekick: How does science work
Me: Well you see... the thing is... what's interesting about science is... I could go on...
Hilarious comedy sidekick: Well evidently not as you're just staling for time
Me: Less of your lip you, well at least I have lips.
Hilarious comedy sidekick: Go learn science and I'll go get botox
Me: Can't we switch?

There was no reply, the puppet just stormed out. With the unfortunate argument with my comedy side kick running from my mind, I thought whilst that shite puppet would get botox, I would go get a learning of science. To the museum d'science I would go, to learn science, they have interactive displays, that would be fun, wouldn't it? I wasn't sure, I would ask the shite puppet, but he's busy getting shit pushed into his lips.

Well I went on the interactive science museum displays, and it turns out everything I learned from GCSE Science studies (dual award) was all wrong!Crisps don't generate light, you can't eat airplanes, was my GCSE (dual award) not worth the paper it was printed on? I was emotionally distraught and went about engrossing as much science as I could, light bulbs generate light, your can eat food, not vehicles, revelations! It was wonderful time. I was all geared up to tell my hilarious comedy sidekick all about the science I'd learned, but sadly the puppet was so self obsessed all he want to talk about was his fabulous lips (to be fair, they did look good). What a wasted day.

Oh I remember now, I was gonna blog about...

2008-07-09T14:40:00.001+01:00

my graduation! Whoop! (Well it was a week or two ago, cut me some slack). To be honest I wasn't really looking forward to graduation as a) it signaled the end of university for good and b) dressing smart and standing around awkwardly? Gah! But I guess it all turned out okay in the end and was a nice enough day. Well I got to see lovely people again and have my last student drunken evening afterwards.Look its me getting graduated! Exciting and shaky! Although I'm getting a head of myself here. So yes that silly cloak and hat, what an odd set of clothes, thirty seven quid for the excitement of wearing it (for a few hours, I could have paid more and hired it for a week, imagine someone going into a club tarted all up with it on). There's four arm holes in the cloak, which was very exciting and confusing (no put your arms down the hole I was told, but I had down the hole, it was confusing, a minefield and frustrating to see me peers putting their arms in fine, well they got a higher degree classification, so it all makes sense, bigger brains). Look there's me all smartly dressed with my piece of paper that cost £3,600, bargain! (Thanks Tony Blair).

Well before the exciting ceremony when we were told what we'd have to do the Star Wars mentions came thick and fast. I was told it was like a Jedi cloak, that we could just pull out lightsabres, my Star Wars geek brain was exploding with creativity! AM I JEDI? Then I was told the actual ceremony was like the end of Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope when Han and Luke (but not chewie) collect their medals from Leia. Would R2-D2 make it to my graduation, would chewie get his degree?I got asked how does the music go in that scene, and I did a rousing version (ba-de-da, de da da...) while queuing up, it was stuck in my head! (Although I was subsequently given a tune which I was told would eradicate any tune that's stuck in your head, the theme tune to Animal hospital, it ruddy works!)

Although once I got in the whole thing felt like wedding, walk down the aisle with the person who comes closest to me alphabetically, how romantic. Wouldn't marry them. So I shook hands with the Chancellor, (of the university, not of the exchequer, sadly I'd love to shake that darling hand) a man that's the chairman of Reading football club (did I know this before hand, did I fuck). His name is John Madjeski and is like a hero of Reading, apparently. Although I wanted to shake hands with the vice chancellor instead as he looks like Kilroy (he could be the real Kilroy for all we know, what's Kilroy done recently, gone into hiding and become Vice-Chancellor of the University of Reading? probably). Look for yourself here, it's ruddy Robert Kilroy Silk.

And that was my graduation, over before it began, I'm sure there's more I could say (we threw our hats in the air, how cliche) but as I'm blogging this nearly two weeks later my memory is little fuzzy. I've only just remembered I have a blog. Toodles!

Juvenilia

2008-06-30T11:55:00.011+01:00

Inspired by Adam and Joe's recent feature here is a book I created at the age of eleven, a book that maybe you'll enjoy, or not, it's short so won't take up too much of your time. I present to you HappyHead - The Happy Menace. I could try and set this up and explain the character of HappyHead, but I'm pretty sure he's just a floating head. On with the story, a fantastic spoof of Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace!The Bonkers Mail like it, so maybe you will, it's a credible source (could I be making satire about the real Daily Mail? Probably not, but I'd like to think so). I'm not enjoying my use of the evil typeface comic sans on this, poor show son.Ever had a book dedicated to you? No? Well you have now! I probably should explain I produced other HappyHead books, but I probably binned them, shame.Recognise the 'plot'. I'm disappointed I made no mentions to taxation, trading and negotiations which also featured in the well loved Star Wars film.I think the floating head is probably capable of jumping.For someone called 'HappyHead' he isn't half a miserable shit, smile!Oh he's smiling now he sees some Battle Droids.Silly HappyHead. Ouch this is a bit dark, could I not think of a better way to end it? Well it is a spoof! (apparently)So I felt bad about killing off the little fun bundle, so I enclosed a card for the reader. I also decided to graffiti my charming book a few years later, what a nob I was at seventeen, fortunately at twenty I now appreciate good literature.

And what of the other books? I only really remember the sick teacher book where HappyHead helped his sick teacher, a real heart warming tale. Maybe I'll find it, or maybe it's in a land site.

But what does the card say inside?I hope you enjoyed this tale. Incidentally, if you want some surprisingly decent star wars juvenillia, you could do a lot worse than this.

I liked it in last night's Doctor Who when...

2008-06-22T16:47:00.010+01:00

...Donna Nobel was out time and all she had was four minutes to save the world.

What a marvelous homage to Madonna (Ft Justin Timberlake) (produced by Timbaland)'s hit song 4 minutes. You know, the song that goes 'I'm outta time and all I got is 4 minutes', you know, the one that says 'We only got 4 minutes to save the world'. Russel T sure loves Timbaland! Although I imagine I'm probably the only one who thought about this when watching the cracking episode.

I look forward to more winks to timaland in the next two episode (as well as winks to probably everything in the past four season as well as winks to the spin offs) such as Rose being 'too late to apolgise', the Jack telling doctor that he can love his just 'the way I are' and later telling him to 'give it to me' and of course some of the characters will 'Scream, at the top of your lungs, If your [their] body's feeling right'. How are these Timbaland Doctor Who gags working for you? Pretty terribly I imagine.

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Now playing: Madonna - 4 Minutes
via FoxyTunes

Customary big brother post

2008-06-16T17:03:00.003+01:00

Well I'd spent the afternoon consoling myself (partly celebrating) after getting my degree classification (I got a 2:2, go umm... me! Meh) and I needed a drink to bridge the gap between my afternoon drinking and my evening drinking so popped into my local premiere store (other corner shops are available, but this one is nearer to my house). I decided instead of shop lifting (which I usually do), I'd pay for my pear cider (what can I say, I was drunk, that's a comment about me not shop lifting, and not my alcohol choice). Whilst paying the lady, to which I was making my purchase exchange with, she asked me about big brother (had I been watching? what's my thoughts?). Fortunately in my neurosis nervous panic constipation regime morning (what I mean by this phrase, only I have a vague idea, basically I was nervous) I foolishly read a little of this new series online to blag it. There's a couple/ was a couple in it, woah. I blagged it, summat about every year I tell myself I'm not interested in it, but somehow manage to know something of what's going on. I can't really remember the conversation is, the point is, I should be offended that I apparently look like a big brother watcher.

If I'd brought a copy of heat, by all means label me as a big brother watcher but I hadn't, better magazine are available. Is it now accepted that one must watch big brother? As a student (just about now) am I expected (as I have loads of free time) to watch this show? There's better to watch! Ask me about heroes (I'm still too early to add my thoughts on the season two finale, I think it was thingy that did it), ask me of Doctor Who (Yeah I quite like Donna, and I look forward to seeing Dave Ross in it), ask me on Lost (Jeremy Bentham is him?), ask me about Battlestar Galactica (I like that my friend that hasn't watched this season, but wanted spoilers, doesn't believe what I say happens). Geek Teevee is better, maybe I don't look geekey enough, just 'indie' maybe? Do 'indie' people watch big brother?

What's my point? Oh yes, I'm only blogging about big brother to conform with the masses. I want the camp one to win, he's hilarious.

(I did watch almost two episode because I have too much free time, don't remember much to say on them).

This is not a toy

2008-06-07T17:44:00.007+01:00

Now I like Doctor Who as much as the next geek who lives on the internet, I dare say I've got a few Doctor Who toys, I dare say I want more (the weeping angel one and the Simon Pegg one, and I'd like them to do a Sally Sparrow figure (and I would like to do Sally Sparrow, but thats not for here)) but this is just taking the piss (I dare say).It's not a toy! What's poseable about that? What fun can one have? Now I dare say it's a few years since I'd have little adventures with my toys (Han Solo and Chewie sure used to have fun out in the garden) but what fun can someone have with a frame?
'Destroyed Casandra': Shit I'm destroyed! I need help, ah DOK-TOR, I see you there, help me!
Doctor: Cassandra! How can you see? How can you talk?
'Destroyed Casandra': Umm... moisturise me?
Sally Sparrow: Oh no Doctor, I'm naked
Doctor: Oh Sally, not infront of the frame
'Destroyed Casandra': I don't mind, I'm naked too

Sorry, went a bit Torchwood there. Where was, oh yes... Really? Seven quid for a frame? You're having a giraffe! Look I made me own!You can too! Don't say I don't give you anything.

When I was younger I used to be crazy about copyright-based-humour

p.s. Hello blog.

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Now playing: Joe Cornish - All Night Garage

© & ™ Me. Fuck Off.

Who'd live in a room like this?

2008-05-23T01:22:00.016+01:00

Well I done these for this thread, but thought as the mentor wanted a blog, I'd kill two birds with one stone. Fancy a photo tour around my bedroom? Of course you don't, but for those who do, why not have a nosy around and make remarks about some of the contents, oh go on.Forgive some of the slightly clunkly shitty captions, I tried to do some witty ones!

I hung it on me wall.

2008-05-03T13:09:00.001+01:00

Well I'm reaching the end of my three year course studying Typography and Graphic Communication and I'm a little sad (it ain't quite over yet though... one exam to blag, and little bits to do here and there), but the main crunch of it is done. That crunch being my practical work. That crunch involved producing a display of all my third year work, what a crazy few days it has been, It's taken me a few days to catch up on all my sleep now (I think). Producing this crunch (still continuing describing it as a crunch? really? really?) involved hours of work, one whole night of no sleep, practically living in the department and over working myself to a panicked frenzy. What am I complaining? I think I oddly enjoyed it in a way (well up until 7 AM on the all nighter when shakes set in!). Anyway as you're reading my blog you're a little nosy, here's my display. Yes the prominent feature is a traffic cone, what a treat for all visitors of my display, including you, an e-visitor.
Not to shabby... I think. I certainly look hot at 5 in the morning.

P.S. international star wars day tomorrow... you know what to do.

BLERGH

2008-04-20T09:52:00.002+01:00

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
My penis what I put in my mouth.
Whoops, I forgot to put in a space, My pen is what I put in my mouth

What does your last text message say?
I have no idea, I'm not popular enough to get text messages, besides my phone is like on the other side of the room, and it might be private, who are you to ask for me to transcribe that text for your nosy pleasure? You people make me sick.

What was the last song you listened to?
I have Last FM to answer those questions, apparently it was steal my sunshine by LEN, what a tune.

What's your favorite colors?
I like all colours as long as they are used right.

Who do you trust in your life?
Everyone and no-one.

What name would you change your name to?
Marcus Aurelius, that sounds cool.

How often do you curse?
Alot. Want me to curse now as proof, well tough shit, I aint gonna pander to preconceived expectations.

Do you trust all of your friends?
Why should I not? if they like me, then they're trustworthy.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I'd like to think so.

Name the things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
Being forced to walk around town naked. That relationship would be rather odd in my book.

Which one of your top friends do you think would make the best prostitute?
Top friends? Sounds a bit too MySpace, and seeing as I deleted that turd of a thing, I can't answer your question. Good escape there hey?

What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex ?
Oh the usual.

What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Finish my degree?

If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you want to see first?
Father Christmas

Would you make a good parent?
I'd be a wonderful parent, I'd take my sprog to the park all the time and take the sprogs to trips to the dentist and the candlestick maker. They'd be spoiled rotten my sprogs, that's for sure.

Where was your default picture taken?
On the facebook? Twas at my sister 18th birthday lunch meal out family lunch meal out.

What does your 11th text say?
We've been through this, I can't be arsed to go into this. Let's make up one though;

'Yeah she did lick it, but I was confused as to why'.

Its 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be?
Father Christmas

How is life going for you right now?
Dull.

Who was the last person you talked to on MSN?
Someone wise. I can't remember, but someone wise.

Last words you spoke?
"Oh it 6:55 AM, I aint getting out of bed now, I'm going back to sleep" Lazy turd.

Can you play guitar hero?
Never tried it. Should I?

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Inbetween, not too hot, not too cold.

What do you currently hear right now?
A plane going over head.

What do you think your best friend's doing right now?
Killing a man.

Who is your number one person on your friends list?
It's all alphabetically so some one A.

Do you feel like dancing?
Not at the moment, I'm still in bed.

How much money do you have on you?
Nothing, I don't carry money with me when wearing pyjamas, oh you are silly.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Yes. How dare they.

Do you speak another language other than English?
I have a GCSE in German and Italian. So no.

What did you do today?
Woke up, grabbed my laptop, came back into bed.

Did you date anyone this past summer?
No, other than you know who. (By you know who I mean no one).

Who was the last friend in your house?
Father Christmas

Is there someone you want to fight?
There's only one way to find out... FIGHT.

What are you thinking about right now?
I should shower.

What were you doing an hour ago?
Lying in bed.

Where were you friday night?
Home

Do you wear the seatbelt in the car?
Yes, when I haven't got a socially awkward reason not to.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else?
Father Christmas

Next vacation you are going on?
Reading.

Do you like to text or call more?
Neither. It's rude to bother people ;)

Whats the closest blue object to you?
My quilt!

Is there anyone you hate?
You, nothing personal, you've just got one of those faces.

Do you like the color orange?
It's amazing.

Where was your last long road trip to?
Father Christmas

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
Oh yes. Like Father Christmas.

Who did you last talk to on the phone to?
My mum, she was in Malta, an international call, how exciting!

Where will you be in an hour?
In the shower? It'll take me about an hour to get out of bed.

I haven't bothered to write an introductory paragraph to this, sorry.

Reporting in

2008-04-14T19:21:00.004+01:00

Seeing as everyone enjoyed the photos of me in my last blog, here's another one.Hello friends, how goes it with you? This is me, the ginger bastard reporting in on his much neglected blog. Well let's see what's in the news... I see a song about Ribean is currently number one in the charts, good on Kanye for rapping about that marvelous drink, think I might pop down the shops and buy myself some.

I handed in my dissertation today, guess that means my uni life is nearly over! Oh shit. Guess I'm gonna have to be a responsible adult soon. That means I can't get away with five days without shaving, which I deemed as being a waste of time the last five days what with having a dissertation to finish.

I'm out of material, I'll end with a quote;

'Ribena, I know what you're drinking' Kanye West.

I meant to cram in more jokes into this, but sadly this twaddle I've produced is just 'bare jokes' instead. That's slang for sumamt.

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Now playing: Estelle - American Boy (Radio Edit w/ Kanye)
via FoxyTunes

Get me some acting work

2008-03-29T20:43:00.005Z

Or at the very least, some hat modeling work. 1 Silly hat, 3 different facial expressions.Silly hat! Isn't it fun, doesn't it look fun! FUN! Wacky! FUN!One silly hat, or is that one sexy hat? You judge for yourself. Phwaoarrrr. Hat.1 silly hat, or is that 1 very upsetting deeply depressing hat? Waaaa!

Contact me for all your hat wearing needs, I don't have an agent, so there'll be no negotiation of wage, I'll take what ever money you force into my hand! You could even pay me in skittles.

Thoughts on a word: Mate

2008-03-21T17:14:00.002Z

You know what, I've never really understood under what situations one uses the word mate? I thought I understood, but I'm not so sure I do.

At school people would say 'Alright mate', well okay when they'd say alright, it was more of a bear grown; 'Allllroight'. And for years I'd say something along the lines of 'Yes thanks, how are you', but then it dawned on me, maybe the man doesn't respond in this manner, and some how I twigged that maybe I was supposed to say 'Allllroight' in return, so I'd do that instead. But now I'm now not so sure that is correct format and now I just say 'Hey'. When a man says 'Allllroight' is he asking how I am? or is he just saying 'Hello there casual acquittance, I like you, even if I don't really know you that well, but as a casual acquittance, you're alright you are'. I'm not so sure about the latter as I'm sure cunts that didn't like me would be asking as to my well being. It's a mind field, and if anyone out there has cracked the Allllroight code, please help me, please!

As for the word Mate, I've never understood how one uses this word? Is everyone a mate? Since coming to university, I act far more common then I probably really am, but in due consideration of some of the middle class people I've met since being at university, I'm not really that middle class, and probably am a little bit common, I in some situations, call strangers mate. Thank you for the bus ride, 'Cheers mate'. Casual Acquaintances? Mate! Friends? Mate. But should I not be calling them by their name instead? Am I under some delusional belief that I want to fit in with people who read the sun, because the last time I read the sun I couldn't contain my giggles after reading that Robbie Williams had seen 3 UFOs and believed in aliens. Who even writes articles like this? Morons or Mormons?

So gentle readers if you can help me in my 'Allllroight Mate' and 'Mate' debacles, yor assistance would be greatly received with thanks.

Sympathy time (I'm almost wrote symphony time).

2008-03-20T18:24:00.005Z

I got a man cut today.

Just thought you might like to know.

No, I'm not writing the dissertation with the ever looming deadline.

Yes, this is a pointless blog post.

And yes, I do love you.

How are you today?

I've had it, with the motherfucking length of my hair on my motherfucking head.

World Famous Fortune Teller Gag!

2008-03-16T14:10:00.006Z

As I mentioned a few blog down, this week I'd be revealing my world famous fortune teller gag! Well here goes.Step 1: Get a blank sheet of paper and make a fortune teller, the paper must be blank, this cannot be stressed enough. If you don't know how to make a fortune teller, ask leading internet search engine Google, if you don't know what a fortune teller is, you're an idiot.Step 2: Ask the recipient of the fortune teller to pick a number, now quite clearly there are no numbers are drawn, but convince them there is, the number 0 (a.ka. nothing) is there, ask them to pick that.Step3: Now open the fortune teller 0 times (so just open it) and ask them to pick a number again, of course they'll know the drill and say 0.Step 4: Now open the fortune teller, any panel will do, and of course is blank, so quite clearly there future reads as 'nothing will happen'.

Try it for yourself and become the toast of dinner parties all round. Or a reject.

Do your research the sun!

2008-03-13T10:51:00.005Z

Tabloid journalism at its worse today folks, from the sun
'KATE MOSS appears to have stopped off on the forest moon of Endor for her latest fashion accessory.

She stepped out in Manhattan on Tuesday with what looked like a dead Ewok from Star Wars over her shoulder.

It’s a dead ringer for Luke Skywalker’s furry friend Wicket, right – but surely Ewoks are an endangered species?'

Luke Skywalker's friend? do your fucking research the sun, quite clearly anyone who has watched Return of the Jedi will point out that Luke and Wicket never even hang out in the film, I'm not saying that Leia doesn't introduce Luke to Leia at some point (although I think she'd be more concerned that Luke, the guy she has kissed two times, is infact her brother rather than ensuring that Wicket and Luke have a meaningful enough of a friendship to become facebook friends). Princess Leia's friend would be more correct, or even Han Solo, who can forget Wicket and and Han's splendidly awkward dance? And besides who's to say ewoks are endangered? From Return of the Jedi, quite clearly there are babies, those ewoks are humping away reporducing. Admittedly at the battle of endor some ewoks did die, and boy did we cry, but endangered? Just another example of tabloid journalism adding to the already unnecessary level of fear in this country! The Sun is no better than Joseph Goebbels. Besides quite clearly the fur that Kate Moss is carrying looks more like Logray and not Wicket.

See, quite clearly the fur resembles the head shaman for the Ewok tribe who lived in Bright Tree Village, Logray! Retards!

And don't even get me started on that substitute for must with the word moss! What is wrong with the world!

It's times like this when I'm writing away my star wars woes that I'm reminded of a quote from Knowing Me, Knowing You, With Alan Partridge (Episode 5, 25:34) 'Get yourself a girlfriend'.

Question me this will you

2008-03-11T22:14:00.004Z

I have no ruddy idea what I quite mean with the title to this blog, but I is nicking the MeMe thingy that the Dan did of the the blog fame in order to trade of his cool and for me to do something that will result in the most pleasurable sound know to man (the sound of a man thrashing it out on a keyboard, by trashing I mean typing, yeah that).

The house I grew up in...
had two television aerials, one side of the house we'd have Meridian, the other we'd have London television. Another excitement was my thunderbirds wallpaper, I was only allowed thunderbirds border, in case I out grew thunderbirds, which I eventually did. (Although it still has a kick ass theme, and if I was talented and driven enough I'd make my own proper thunderbirds film, done properly and not that horse shit of the recent film).

When I was a child I wanted to be...
a thunderbird? a cartoonist? a postman? a man who did silly voices?

Actually I don't think I ever wanted to be a thunderbird, to brave for me.

The moment that changed me for ever...
was year 10 at school when we changed sites for school and I just became woefully awkward and lacked confidence. Crazy days (look I'm using humour because I'm being depressing!)

My greatest inspiration...
is you, you reading this inspires me to type out this clap trap sometime a few times a month.

My real-life villain...
Oh I don't hate anyone enough to have a villan, other than cunts at school, but that's behind me.

If I could change one thing about myself...
to be less awkward?

At night I dream of...
a wide variety of wank (wanks in dreams are called wet dreams), the other day I dreamed up my own super hero story, I can't remember any sadly, but I'm sure it would be a kick ass film and a superb graphic novel.

What I see when I look in the mirror...
is myself, I usually get bored of my own reflection so pull a stupid face.

My style icon...
whaaaaaaaaa? Style? I just buy some cheap shit from Primark that I feel comfortable enough in.

My favourite item of clothing...
is my pants, because I can't do comando, I like the cupping around the bollocks too much.

I wish I'd never worn...
tracksuit bottoms!

It's not fashionable but I like...
Hear'say, shit they've just come onto my itunes shuffle. I am fashionable.

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at...
Hear'Say trivia. Did you know Mylene Klass went on that I'm a celebrity show. FACT!

You may not know it but I'm no good at...
Liberty X trivia, did not care for them. They insist upon themselves.

All my money goes on...
DVDs, Drinking, buying packed sandwiches everyday even though it would be cheaper to make my own, food, drink (of non alcholic varieties), tat, tits.

If I have time to myself...
I PROCRASTINATE my prostate off.

I drive/ride...
when I scrounge lifts, but I don't mind the walk.

My house/flat is...
Oh I tidied my room today, it took 3 hours, but I did it, would you like to see photos, its so great, you can see the carpet and everything. Oh yesh.Well it was either tidy me room or do my dissertation, as you can see I made the right decision.

My most valuable possession is...
my willy, it permits me to expel urine, which is waste product.

My favourite building...
is the sexy new carrington building on campus, it defines sex for all to enjoy. Sadly I can't find any photos for you to enjoy on google, but I got a nice image of the B&Q logo, so imagine that here, and feel aroused.

Movie heaven...
is watching a star wars film.

A book that changed me...
is Star Wars the book of the film, its like what I watched in the cinema, but printed in text for me imagine myself. Except red leader was blue leader in the book!

My favourite work of art...
is some of my procrastination art which you can find somewhere on this blog.

The last album I bought/downloaded...
The Go Team!

The person who really makes me laugh...
are professional comedians that are paid to do that kind of stuff.

After watching the empire awards last night, Rob Brydon doing stand up or presenting doesn't make me laugh, just makes me cringe, he's a great comedy actor, not a comedian, stick to what you're good at Rob, please!

The shop I can't walk past...
is Tk Haxxzor without wanting to vomit.

The best invention ever...
is the internets I like the internets.

In ten years time, I hope to be...
a sex offender/ a murderer/ a rapist/ a therapist.

Oh I mis-read the question and thought it said 'hoped not be'

My greatest regret...
is not worth me thinking about because then I'll think 'I regret that'

My life in seven words...
Procastinating.
Typography.
Sleeping.
Makingatitofmyself.
Laughingatthecomedy.
Drinking.
Brushing.

----------------
Now playing: Hear'say - Pure and Simple
via FoxyTunes

Rawk on!

Look!

2008-03-07T11:45:00.004Z

It's calling you a tart!Oh noes, it's got your name wrong and called you Tom!

Just some of the wonderful gags you can have with condiments when you're next eating out with friends, try it for yourself, and see how quickly your friends disown you, because you're making them laugh so hard they forget to laugh.

Next week I'll give you my world famous fortune teller gag, for when you're eating out with friends, get the bill and make a fortune teller from the receipt.

Dilema of the day

2008-02-25T10:48:00.002Z

If I answer my phone which for some reason happens to ring just after I've come out the shower and my hair is dripping wet, will I some how conduct an electric current by answering the phone, what with my hair being girlishly long and covering my ear in which I use to listen to the person speaking to me on the telephone? Would I fry my golden locks? Would they literally be golden for a few second whilst they were alight, then just be ashes? Isn't electric blue? Wouldn't my hair go all punk then?

Shouldn't I be wondering why the person is calling instead of wondering if I will kill myself through too much electric? Aren't these thoughts further delaying me answering the telephone?

This is why I don't do telephone calls. Now I'm off to do the thing I was phoned about, turns out I didn't electrocute myself, which made my morning!

Because I haven't done this a year

2008-02-19T21:26:00.005Z

Stolen from someone who wanted me to cheer for them, here's one of those MeMe things I gave up doing, but well, here's one for the fun factor.

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
I have no car, unless you're being dirty and talking about my arse, and I can assure you no cock is inserted in my arse.

When was the last time you threw up?
Last Wednesday at the student's union, pizza somehow didn't mix with the snakebite, lovely. What a nice story, isn't it?

What age will you be next birthday?
Twentington Two.

What's your favourite curse word?
Depends what mood I'm in, cunt just sounds great, but the other day when I was cutting myself* I was saying 'Bodger' as a curse word.

*By cut myself I mean washing up and accidentally cutting myself on the sharp implements, I'm no emu.

Name 3 people who made you smile today.
I started today drunk in a club, so I can't remember who made me smile, but I'm sure they did. I've been a bit too blue this day for many smiles though (post inebriation period) but my friend said last night "I'd never be normal", that is still making me smile.

What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning?
Showering, Shittering and Shavering.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Checking facebook, I gone and got invited to an event on facebook!

Where were you born?
Cockfield, Sussex.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
No, but can we please go for my twentington twoth birthday please! Actually I've just realised I'm not twentington oneth, I have no idea why for a brief minute I thought I was 21, actually I think I told people last week I was 21! Just because alot of my friend's are 21 I seem to think subconsciously I'm already 21! Gah!

What is the last thing you said aloud?
Why do I think I'm 21 when I'm actually 20? Only for me to hear, but still said out loud.

What is the best ice cream flavour?
Strawberry is good, I'll go with that.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Oasis Summer Fruits, the drink that I've now dubbed my dissertation drink, buy a bottle and shit out my dissertation!

What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, pants, socks, and a 'my parents went to Denmark and all I got was this Carlsberg TeeHee shirt' T Shirt.

What was the last thing you ate?
Pasta and meatballs.

Have you bought any new clothes this week?
No, clothes shopping scares me, and only happens under extreme situations. (Like when I get pissed off with holey jeans).

Where were you last?
Other than the house, the library!

What's the last sporting event you watched? Who won?
I don't even know what sport is.

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message while blogging?
The last person who gone and commented on me blog was the mimey of cheer for her fame.

Ever go camping?
No, I'm an awkward penis when it comes to places to sleep.

Where do you live?
A Studen House of moderate maintenance levels.

What song are you listening to?
Sledgehammer by Peter Gabrielle

Do you have a tan?
No, I don't tan, I burn, I am a pasty wasty shite.

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
No, I've never enjoyed using straws (apart from some straw usage in McDonalds type situations, they just make you take even longer to drink the drink!

What did your last text message say?
I can't even be arsed to get off my bed to dictate a message that was sent to me, and whom I should be the only reader of. But I think it's something about my student evening plans for tomorrow.

Who's your best friends?
The housemates are good friends, and the group of friends from the old halls of residence are lovely too, and other people are lovely too. I'm just happy having a lovely group of friends rather than a best friend.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working on my dissertation, food shopping and going to the student union to stamp myself silly with student electoral campaign stamps, might try and get more than four on my face.Me this morning after the night before, oh I am silly.

Where is your mom right now?
Home.

Look to your right, what do you see?
Shit ugly curtains that don't hold in quite enough heat. Cunts.

What colour is your watch?
I don’t have a watch, well I do, but I don't use it since the strap broke, I prefer to use my mobile telephone machine to know the time.

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
The classic simpsons episode Bart Vs. Australia, one of my absolute favourite simpsons episodes!

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Yes several, ones in Thorpe Park, Chessington, Alton Towers, Brighton Pier, Disneyland Paris and somewhere else.

What is your birthstone?
I don't buy into that bollocks to be able to answer your question.

Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through?
Just in. I can't drive, and I don't believe in eating fast food.

What is your favourite number?
Your favourite number, but doubled, divided by 3 and added to pi.

Do you have a dog?
No, I prefer cats, none of that pathetic pandering for attention.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
I have no idea, I receive very few phone calls, but I'm pretty sure they're a lovely person.

Have you met anyone famous?
Yes, I met Julian Barret of the once funny Mighty Boosh in a pub in Oxford, I called him Noel, guffaw, guffaw, guffaw.

Any plans today?
No, the day's pretty much finished, I'm gonna go to bed at reasonable hour because it'll end my crabby mood and I'll maybe watch some Curb Your Enthusiasm, I'm now addicted to the show and have season 3 and 4 on DVD awaiting a watch.

How many states have you lived in?
Counties here mate, and two, Sussex and Berkshire.

Ever go to college?
I went to six form, and I'm at University doing a course I'm doing piss poor at that's just plain making me blue. Aberdeen Aberdie.

Where are you right now?
On my bed, kinky innit.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
COURSEWORK AND MY SHIT MARKS I'M GETTING FOR MY THIRD AND FINAL YEAR AT UNIVERSITY AND HOW MUCH I'LL BE TEARING MY HAIR OVER EASTER HOLIDAYS AND APRIL, AND THE NAGGING DOUBT THAT MAYBE WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE JUST MIGHT NOT BE THE CASE!

I'm happy, thanks for asking... ish.

Are you in love with someone right now?
No, I'd need a relationship, but I loves the family of course.

Are you allergic to anything?
I think I'm allergic to cats, but I'm still not 100% on that.

Favourite pair of shoes?
The trainers I always wear, variety in footwear is for cunts.

Do any of your friends have children?
The only person I can think of is the lovely person who filled this question thing before me.

Do you eat healthy?
Not really, I don't eat unhealthily, I just eat and meh, I'll worry about that when I start putting on weight whenever that happens.

What do you usually do during the day?
UNI WORK THAT I AM SUCKING AT.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Of course, unless I'm being a shut in, but that doesn't happen, I'm pretty sure I make human contact every day to say hellow.

How did you get one of your scars (if you have any)?
From when I let some friends drag across the room in a banterific type way (can't believe Reading Student's Union are saying banterific like it's even a fucking word).

I really enjoyed shitting out those answers, I hope you enjoyed reading them, I love you.

What I've been upto

2008-02-14T16:54:00.004Z

I'm still in denial and think February has just begun, when of course it hasn't. Fuck. Well this is what I've been upto since I last blogged, bad news I'm afriad, this blog is going to be a weep peice, my face got stuck in the below expression for two weeks.My mum has always wanted me to pull normal expressions in photos, unfortunately I am a rebel, and rebelled against my mother's photo system and continued to pollute photos of me (count the 451 polluted photos of me on social networking phenomena feecesbook) and sadly my face froze for two weeks in the above photo. At the time it was fun, but it quickly became a chore, for a start my speech became incredibly restricted, and couldn't really say words, just mutter everything, which became incredibly annoying when your pub quizzing and you just know that The Former Yuogslavian Republic's David Brent in their version of the golden globe winning triumph The Office is called Midge Ure, but they can't make out what you're saying and they end up writing down 'measure' because they think it could be a name of someone from the former Yugoslavian republic (of Massive Donna) because for some reason they think the name Reg is Latvian for feces and that's justification enough. Fools!

And the women, well let me tell you no longer could I accidentally stare at a pair of lady bollocks, no, I was permanently staring in the ceiling doing a face that can be mistaken for "Phwoar". The amount of slaps I got was ridiculous, but on the plus side it did push back my acne infection. Thanks gals!

No one takes you seriously with my new facial expression, which was hard because I had to inform a friend of mine that their favourite uncle had exploded out of eating too much Haribo and drinking too much Carling at the same time (harling he calls, the harlot), try saying that with my face, it's impossible, particularly as that favourite uncle kept his harling addiciton a secret from his friend's and family. She just giggled herself silly, she probably still thinks that their favourite uncle is around to fulfill a meaningful facebook friend relationship.

So basically life is a bit of a shitter at the moment, my face hasn't gone back to it's usual position, fortunately my mouth has slight shifted half way back to its usual position, but my eyes are still starring up, so I got a friend to put up a mirror on the ceiling and I'm typing the blog staring up. Just as well I can touch type, but I have to proof read!

So please, next time you pull a stupid mug into a camera lens, do me a favour and don't, unless you want your face permanently fixed in the position. Ruining photos should be a crime, just treat every photo like a photo you'd want Grandma to see, please!

Do me a favour and try and have a nice valentines day, there's not been a charity set up for my condition, but I'll get back to you if there is one, go out, have fun and use your facial expressions responsibly, thank you.

Tip: Don't watch Lily Allen and Friend's on BBC3, because that'll force your face to do all manner of disgusted facial expressions.

I hate it when...

2008-02-02T17:48:00.000Z

walking abouts, in a building, in a shop, on the streets, somewhere and I happen to be walking along the same planned path as someone walking the other way. We both notice that a collision in our pre-determined walking paths are imminent so shift to the left to avoid each other, but then I feel bad for making them shift to the left on their planned path and shift to the right, but they shift to right because I'm walking to the left, then we shift to the left and right back and forth unsure on the other persons walking path, sometimes I manage to save myself in this kind of loop by shifting extreme left, but sometimes I've just walked into the other person, I once almost crashed into a woman in W H Smiths, it's awful. My neurosis is getting in the way of my everyday walking! I've tried just staying in to avoid walking neurotic crash syndrome, but I just bored. I apologise after the crash, but I don't think I need to say sorry for my illness of walking neurotic crash syndrome. I think I just need to be a large penis and just stick with my walk path regardless of what people are in my way! Life is such a bitch sometimes. Of course I can't be the only person with this illness, at least I hope not, comfort me and tell me I'm not alone!

Word

2008-01-27T18:45:00.000Z

Especially remember to urinate regardless if you're pulling an all nigher or not.

This week I've...

2008-01-13T12:10:00.000Z

...made to think I'm a horrible person for steeling a pink balloon from a children's party, apparently 'I'm not a child', shit that hurts. I've realised not to select Kim Wilde's Kids in America on those dance machine things, unless I want to lose my legs. I convinced a friend that the reason Amy Whinehouse is in rehab (oh no, no, no) was that she was addicted to calpol. I got confused when our quiz team put down 380 as the answer to the question I thought was how many games does a championship team play in a season "wot they play 2 games in 1 day?", turns out the question was how many games are played in a championship season. I've realised that I'm just not competitive in the slightest, failing to give a shit that I was coming last in some playstation games. I was on a peaceful protest against the violence of some fox beating the crap out of a polar bear. I thought about making some games for uncompetitive people, stuff like tea party the video game where you have to pass over all manners of foods to your companion and have a nice virtual conversation, sounds fun. Life is too short to be competitive at video games, at least I'm reliably informed life is too short, but this month has been quite slow for me. My first week back (of my third and eek final year at uni) has been worrying laid back (I do enough to get by it seems, gah!), so I guess I best put the pedal to the metal and put my gear up a stick and other car based metaphors that I'm failing to write. I need to shut up and drive.

This clip from the movie Walk Hard that comes out this month amuses me, it appeared in front of St Trinians and was more amusing, witty, better shot and edited than that whole film, maybe it'll amuse you too, or maybe not. Who am I to tell you that your comedy tastes are wrong.Although I can tell you that the live episode of 2 pints of larger which is supposed to air tonight (on BBC3 home of family guy and umm.... some other show that might be any good, I forget now) is defiantly not funny, and I say that without it even being screened live yet. What's the point of it being live anyway (other than I assume a thrill for the 'actors'), as many, many, many DVD packages have demonstrated (and Anne Robinson BBC1 shows), out takes aren't funny. Ha-Ha-Ha, he fluffed a line! ROFLAMO.

Ummmm... I've forgotten my line on how to finish this blog so umm..... bye! Oh I've remembered now, I should end with Rihanna's Shut up and drive, as I name checked it in the blog! Oh yesh, that's what the masses are demanding. On seconds thoughts, maybe not, turns out the song is about sex and not driving as I initially thought. God, I had metaphors about driving earlier in my blog today, could they be interpreted as being about sex? Oh noes!

Monday MeMe

2008-01-03T14:22:00.001Z

Well I think it's Monday, but my Battlestar Galactica calender reliably informs me it is infact Thursday, Oh I am blond.

Anyway, here's some MeMe of the year 2007. I kind of have gone off MeMe's, but as has become apparent this year to me, my memory just isn't as good as I thought it was, so by doing this maybe I'll remember summat.

1) Where did you begin 2007?
At a friend's house playing a wild game of Monopoly! Wild Thing! It didn't make my heart sing, but I think it made everything, groovy.

2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Very much available, so if the Doctor's companion that never was, Sally Sparrow, was going to go back in time, she could come back to Valentines Days last year and find me.She's so lover-lee, she's so lover-lee. But I won't allow her to be Lee's lover.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Well does University count as schooling? Probably not I'd imagine, it's just a burden on tax payers for young people to get drunk.

4) How did you earn your money?
Well I got fired from some place at the start of 2007, earned some from there, and I had a summer job at the airport which sadly didn't give me quite enough shifts. Shame, I quite liked working at the airport.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
I didn't have to, but I wanted to. Particularly when my arse fell off.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No, and I was well gagging for it. I want to be told off by those police officers that are horse bound that go round the streets of University town. Then I could tell people that a horse arrested me just to get confused looks. "Mum, a horse arrested me" I'd bet the first question I'd get asked was not what I got arrested for, but how could a horse arrest me! I could completely skirt around the issue of what I got arrested for, marvellous!

7) Where did you go on holiday?
I went to Portugal for a week with the family and down to Dorset for a few days. Oh Yesh.

8) What did you purchase that was over £500?
Me MacBook. Ouch. But it's pretty and can take pictures of myself in an oh some tiresome form.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
No. Oh two dull No answers, I wanna put a funny answer. I passed wind. Tee Hee. Farts.

11) Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Well not literally ran into, but went out a couple of time this year with some old school friends. Which was nice. (Sorry, been watching too much fast show). We didn't literally run into each other though. That would knock you out cold right? You ain't seen me, right?

12) Did you move anywhere?
Yes, from one side of the park full of dogging and mugging in the university town, to the other side (the safer side).

13) What sporting events did you go to?
Don't be silly, I don't do or observe sports. Unless and England game is on, then I call Steve Mclaren a wanker like everyone else. Let's hope that new one will be Fab.

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
I saw Rocky Horror at the start of the year, and went to plenty of Mitchell and Webby shows this year. And I saw Karl Kennedy of Neighbours fame. And maybe I saw other stuff, but I forget now. Something I forget now, but wasn't in the middle of.

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes. Damm you Gordon Brown for not calling a snap election, I wanted to make sure I voted for anyone but David Cameron.

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
Wot that racist clap trap? Oh feck off.

But oddly I'm interested in watching the new big brother that starts tonight, which I'm quite worried about, they sound like an interesting group of people, and sounds like a nice shake up to the format that is needed. I'm worried about myself.

17) Where do you live now?
The University town.

18. Describe your last birthday.
Think I went out for a nice meal in an Ask, why do you ask?

19) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2007?
Get fired! And I did!

20) What has been your favourite moment?
Oh I dunno, genuinely just hanging out with lovely people having a laugh is a nice enough to garner several favourite moments.

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
I'm lazy, stubborn and not that open. And from career guidance module in the university coarse, that British people just don't sell themselves and would prefer to put themselves down.

I have a good butt. Shame it fell off.

22) Any new additions to your family?
Not that I recall.

23) What was your best month?
I'd go with August, two nice trips away, bit of work to keep me busy and catching up with friends. That would be the best month I'd say.

24) What music will you remember 2007 by?
Scooch, when me and some house mates went Eurovision mad in supporting this act of pure cheese, yes we were being silly, but it was fun.

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
I dunno, I've kind of been a bit lame this year and not been arsed to get drunk on several opportunities. I'd go with people who don't hate me when I'm drunk, thats what you need in a drinking buddy.

26) Made new friends?
Yeah, well I've been collecting more Facebook friends last year so I'd say thats a sign of making some new friends.

27) Best new friend?
Oh I can't be arsed with best new friend stuff. You like me, I like you, we are friends lets do a poo.

28) Favourite Nights out?
December 31st was a good giggle, and thats the most recent night out I've had, so I pick that. The worse recent night out I've recently had was when I was dragged to see St. Trinians. Very poor.Ha, Ha. Aren't those girls naughty? Ugh.

29) Any regrets?
Oh probably. but don't you learn from your regrets, or something like that?

2007 hey?

2007-12-29T20:28:00.000Z

Seems the popular media dictates that some kind of retrospective is necessary at this time of year, well 2007 hey? There was some highs, some lows and some indifferences. I thought about writing about my favourite stuff of the year, but then I couldn't be bothered, I thought about looking over my life the past year and summing up some highs and lows and couldn't be bothered mainly as I can't remember what I did this year (I think if memory serves me right I released a charity single which was Christmas number one, it was entitled 'When you believe') I thought about making some new years resolutions but sadly I can't be bothered, sadly guys and gals I'm just to shattered from the sales to blog anything of note. Look at the sail I saw. So tall, it tired me out.Geddit? Sales? Sails? Yeah. Sorry that's pretty poor, maybe I'll make amends by doing some kind of a list.

TeeVee I've enjoyed this year: Doctor Who, Flight of the Conchords, Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe, Battlestar Galactica, The Office (US), Heroes, Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Yeah those shows have been good, the bestestest ones of the year, they've certainly all been vastly superior to the latest season of 24. Ugh.

Filums I've enjoyed this year: Hot Fuzz, Run Fatboy Run, Superbad, Knocked Up, Bourne Ultimatum, Little Miss Sunshine, Stardust, Ratatouille, Blades of Glory. I've liked the comedy films this year, admittedly some of the films listed aren't amazing, but I've enjoyed them, and they've been better than Pirates 3. Ugh.

Music I've enjoyed this year: Scooch. Enough said.

Life that I've enjoyed this year: hanging out with all the lovely peeps I'm fortunate to know. Yeah! Peeps!

New years resolutions for 2008: Follow up my Christmas number one hit 'When you Believe' under my alias of Leon Jackson with a fantastic album which disses Rhydian for being a ginger traitor for dying his fair, apparently he'll go back to ginger when it is back in fashion, fool, it is always in fashion. Said Leon Jackson.

Here's to 2008, the year I stop being a student scum and become a dole scum. Ugh.The sign fell off my forehead just a second after the photo was taken. Ugh.

It's comforting when Christmas shopping...

2007-12-21T20:17:00.000Z

...and you're walking around not knowing what to buy loved ones, you bump into your Dad in Debenhams in the same predicament looking around a shop he wouldn't normally go in, just in the hope of finding a Christmas pressie, curse those genes, he's just as bad as me! Although curse those jeans as well, if I was wearing tighter jeans, maybe I'd panic more what with blood supply being slightly cut off.

Why can't I just buy everyone the JML Classic Pen Set from JML Direct, it's nib is indestructible, just look:It can be used as a dart and also be used to stab cans as well as writing! Who wouldn't want that. Certainly be a great toy for those with writers block.

On second thoughts I'll just buy everyone a Mandle Candle.I've spent too much time in Robert Dyas today. I'm currently listening to Clubbed to death, it goes great with the Mandle Candle advert. Certainly delighting me, and entertaining me.

----------------
Now playing: Rob Dougan - Clubbed To Death
via FoxyTunes

On third thought, I'll just get everyone my patented Jeremy Kyle mask.You too can be a complete and utter shit in the comfort of your own living room!

Don't let the bells end

2007-12-18T13:15:00.000Z

The Dan made a Christmas card for his fans, so here's one for my fans, enjoy!Print it out and pretend that I love you (which I do).

Catching up on the Zees

2007-12-15T12:46:00.000Z

Terms over, thank fuck, working in the department from 9 AM to 4:30 AM screws up the sleeping patterns, but then I'm a student, I'm not supposed to sleep, just nap. I missed out on the opportunity for free alcohol for a nap, that's how cool I am. Anyway this week I experienced the worst kind of gingerphobia possible when playing bowling, because it's oh so witty to put down jokes names down, I got the indignity of having Ginger Spice put down as my name (I hate Geri Halliwells, Scream if you want her to shut her trap), then it got worse, my name was changed to Anne Robinson. This week I also discovered the simple joys of watching signed music television, well watching a fat lady sign to some timbaland, it's not clever, but it left us in titters, and makes me want to bust some shapes down the roller disco as demonstrated on the teevee. I've also realised this week I really don't need to grow a beard anytime soon, 5 day (ish, I'm loosing track of days, I gather it's christmas soon) of stubble just itched, was annoying, and felt trampish, and I don't want to look like a tramp, might get my ears eaten by Johnathon Creek (ROFLMAO topical humour). To conclude, I shall leave you with a joke which was funny when I was five, and Jerry Seinfeld said that jokes for children and adults are mutually exclusive or summat to that degree [insert comment about how brilliant Seinfeld is]:

A kid had to write a sentence about his holiday to america, so he was going to get on a plane, so he wrote down 'take off', he went to a zoo, and saw a zebra, because he was in America he wrote down 'zeebra', he then was at this restraunt and there was this baby screaming away, so he wrote down 'baby'. He read out his report in school and said 'Take of zee bra baby'. ROFLMAO

Tee Hee Breasts. Actually? was this joke funny when I was five? It certainly isn't funny now, and it's ruddy embarrassing I've transcribed it for you now. Have I even remembered this joke right? Did I ever think it was funny? Was the five year old telling the teacher to take off her bra? That's wrong? This is all so terribly wrong, I'm in dodgy territory here, I didn't want to imply paedophilia on my blog, but oh noes it's happened. Try and have a merry Christmas, but I imagine you're all too shocked by the tone of the blog now, guess it's time to apologize.I want Timbalands to narrate my life wit him saying 'Yeah' at multiple points.

Having Shreddies 'Yeah'
Brushing my teeth 'Yeah'
Having a wank 'Yeah'
Where's the tissues? 'Yeah'

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Now playing: Timbaland - Apologize (feat One Republic)
via FoxyTunes

Suck my days...

2007-12-09T23:38:00.000Z

Hello there, it's another one of my weekly catch up blog posts where I just randomly list some stuff that happened to me this week keeping it short and sometimes ambiguous in a hope to make it sound much more interesting than it might not already be. Wahee!

This week I laughed myself silly at Matt Lucas and David Walliams on Johnathon Ross and then wept myself silly knowing they're still insisting on producing that Little Britain crap, I saw Karl Kennedy of Neighbours fame at the Student's Union which (let's not pretend it sophisticated in any way) left me with a stupid grin on my face, although a man of Dr. K's age signing Ruby (Roo-Bee, Roo-Bee, Roo-Bee) is a little surreal a sight. I worked until 4:30 in the morning, a disappointingly student achievement, we're supposed to work all night us creatures, well maybe another time soon, like maybe tonight. I also got confused about male toilet conventions, I know we don't chat in the loos like the ladies or go to the loos in pairs, but when a lecturer starts talking to me in the loos (whilst washing the hands, not whilst pointing the pink pistols at the porcelain firing targets) I felt like a rude dick when I wasn't being that chatty, is it allowed by social conventions to chat in the loos? I just don't know. Admittedly I tried it once when a bit wankered, the old toilet chat, but couldn't hear my friend over the hand dryer. Actually maybe I've chatted in the loo twice, some guy in a Camden Weatherspoons called me a cunt, happy days (it was in a friendly way I must stress).

I think that's all I've got share with you for this week, I can't believe I said this blog would be ambiguous, it's not that ambiguous sadly, maybe next week it'll be. To conclude for any of you lovely readers who aren't my facebook friends and won't have seen my new look, here is my new gangster look, enjoy!Word to your mothers if you have lesbian parents.

Back two years ago...

2007-12-04T01:04:00.001Z

Myself and cohorts in the asbestos filled halls of residence would be wacky and put crazy signs on bedroom doors awaiting people who passed by to leave wacky answers. Wacky!I'm not really making much of a point, more just hoping this wacky piece of paper which has survived two years will raise a smile from you dear reader.

Last few days...

2007-11-28T17:31:00.000Z

...I got Anthony Cotton of homosexuality fame's autograph, felt a 9 in the evening itch to skip the street of Reading at night (but coming to my senses and deciding I don't want to get beaten up), got an email from a senior professor of Computational sciences entitled Fw: Urgent sexy pictures! and voted for Same Difference on X Factor (making it the first time I've ever felt like phoning in for that lovely show). I also got a strong sense of remorse after finding out my favourite quiz machine with the Pepsi Chart game presented by Neil Fox is broken due to a broken screen, making me deeply regretful for slapping Neil Foxy everytime he appeared on the machine welcoming us to the game. FORGIVE ME NEIL FOX. Like oh my days! I hope the triviality of my days has been of vague interest.

Oh and I changed the banner on this here blog, if that's what you're into. That's a queue for a song!

Student D.I.Y.

2007-11-23T00:33:00.000Z

I am a student on a bitching coursework heavy based degree, and after a day of heavy coursework bitching I decided to relax and do as many of my forefathers have done, and do the do it yourself. I decided I needed to fix my chest of drawers drawer as the handle snapped off and the general drawer was out of shape. Never fear super glue brought for Warhammer purposes (not mine I must stress) did the job for the fixing the handle, even if I decided also to give my pinky a gluey glow. Alas I had no hammers to put the drawer back into shape, but I had text books read at 6:30 AM for a presentation the same day! Swish!

Next was to fix my bedroom door handle, which as you can see I fixed with an elegant solution.Masking tape with swear words on. Well there was no screwdriver to be found sadly in the house.

Now who wants me to come round their house and practise my student D.I.Y. ways on your house? My rates are cheap, I am a student.

Today

2007-11-21T17:55:00.000Z

No one wants to read me moan about the amounts of coursework I have at the moment, that's boring, what you do want to read about is my tesco shop today. Well... woe be the tesco, but the tills were working at 50% of their usual speed today (I don't know why, I was more interested in maintaining lad conventions of discussing football with strangers, go the goals!), in the tedium of waiting to be served I had a read of the tesco customer magazine (ooo an interview with Ricky Gervais, me luvs Andy Milman, R U HAVIN A LAFF?) and also featured was Vernon Kay and Tess Daly modelling some lovely tescos clothes. I decided it was amusing to award my friend multiple pictures of Vernon Kay looking modelly/constipated from multiple copies of the tesco magazine. When sadly as I wasn't getting bored of it, but he was, it was then I decided to award other tesco shoppers pictures of Vernon Kay. I slipped in pictures of Mr. Kay in their shopping trolleys slyly to brighten their day. So if any tesco shoppers are reading and found a picture of Vernon Kay in your trolley, your welcome, you're most welcome.

Extracts from my new book...

2007-11-13T09:24:00.001Z

Maybe available in time for christmas, although I'll just post it on here. Here's a transcript up until I reached secondary school.

Year -1 Kick! Kick! But did I want to come out? Did I fuck!
Year 0 I was born, and woz a screaming pain of a former fetus (waaaaaa!)
Year 1 I aged a year and it was fucking awesome, I now had an age, fuck yeah!
Year 2 Ageing got a bit tedious, been there, done that, but was yet to get the T Shirt
Year 3 I got the T Shirt, well I got a badge that I put on my T Shirt (Almost reached goal).
Year 4 I got a T Shirt with a racing car with a 4 on it, on my fourth birthday, almost coincidence probably.
Year 5 I started school which was cool cos I learnt writing, even though I did that since being a fetus.
Year 6 School was fine and dandy because I could learn adding. 3 + 5 = 8, my favourite.
Year 7 We learnt how to bake bread, use yeast, what ever that is. It don't come from the east.
Year 8 I watched University Challenge, didn't understand it, too many words.
Year 9 I got some shoes, at last I wouldn't have to walk around on just bare feet. I don't enjoy scrubbing my feet.
Year 10 I thought about inventing something cool, but sadly I was unable to think of anything cool.
Year 11 I went to bigger boys school (By bigger, I don't mean erections).

More next week. If I can bothered, and if anyone is interested.

Ruddy Coursework

2007-11-09T16:13:00.000Z

Bloody coursework on my pretty much mostly coursework degree is just getting me down, and forunatly my MacBook's built in camera is there to capture this feeling of Meh. It's also there to capture my new muscle.Look at that muscle (singular).

I touched up Martha Jone's arse today

2007-11-05T23:40:00.000Z

She didn't seem to mind too much. Okay it's only a cardboard cut-out in Forbidden Planet (maybe one day I'll get to touch a real ladies bottom), in London, I went else where in London too. To the bfi went I (and a lady friend), for an evening (well an hour and a half) of Robert Webb, David Mitchell, those writers of Peep Show Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong, the producer Phil Clarke and Sam Delaney a presenter I only recognise from shit Telly talking about one of the best shows on the tellybox, Peep Show! The evening had the six men talking about the show (as you would expect) showing video clips including some clips that inspired them such as that Woody Allen chap from a film I gather is rather funny, and a clip from 'Being Caprice' which I gather isn't funny, it's rather dire and boring, but was shot in POV style so could be said to inspire the Peep Show. Praise be if someone as bland as Caprice inspired something so inspired as Peep Show. Huzaah!

They also showed the never seen before Pilot for Peep Show (this should be on DVD! Why is it not on DVD!?!) which was interesting viewing, alot of gags in the pilot could be found in the first series, such as Jeremy's interview with JLB Credit (I'm being nerdy here folks, forgive me, randomness will resume by the end of this blog). What was different was the use of a lot of incidental music which ruined the show, alot of Jez and Mark watching TV which added little to the show and some incredibly disorientating camera work which, whilst more true to the POV format, didn't quite work, thank fuck for some artistic license. All in all it was a lovely evening, some discussion of series 5 (they're writing it!), brief discussion of the america version (they're writing it!), and general discussion of the show in general (they wrote it). Perfect for a Peep Show geek.Look I've got the new DVD as well as some Battlestar Galactica Mock-lego toys. I'm sad. But not as sad as the 'journalist' who wrote this tripe headline in popular London toilet paper the 'London Lite' in regards to everyone's favourite Rihanna.You see what they did there? Ugh.

The reunion we should give a shit over

2007-11-03T23:44:00.000Z

Take That? Boyzone? Duran Duran? All Saints? Spiced Girls? Fuck any of them, the reunion you should be crying out for is a Hearsay reunion, and you know what, my source tells me we might get one ruddy soon.Why else would a cheapy shop in University Town display a 5 year old poster for Hearsay if it isn't for the simple probable fact that they might be reforming! I for one can't wait, Danny and Noel's stuff just hasn't materalised, I'm angry that Kym Marsh is bonking Steve McDonald in Corrie, Suzanne just shouldn't be doing such filth as rocky horror, and the other one shouldn't be presenting everything! They should be back together! And maybe, they will be soon. Either that or this shop owner hasn't been informed Hearsay have broken up and they should take the poster down.

I gig

2007-10-30T11:47:00.000Z

What can I say? I live to gig. And last night was no different, in my experience you can judge a good gig by which part of your body hurts the day afterwards, and my leg hurts, so it must of been a good night, because the leg is quite big, probably one of the biggest parts of the body to hurt, so on a sliding scale, this gig must of rocked! Well last night I saw Grease Tribute Act 'Grease is the word'Now I've never seen the film Grease, sure they show it on the TV, and sure I think, one day, I might watch, but I never do, but I gather its like that musical episode of Buffy I've never watched in that it's a musical. Fortunately I loves popular culture, so I knows of the songs of Grease. There's summer nights, Grease lightning, a slow one where you let the couples dance, but damm them Grease is the word, they chuck in some non-Grease songs! Cashback! (not that I paid to see them). They did stuff like Hound dog, Blue suede shoes, Johnny be good and Dammit Johnny, but they be good. So catch Grease is the Word somewhere, so good you'll hurt your leg (that is if you coincidently go to the gig and get forced to do a piggy back and slip up on the same night).

Sign Time for a new time!

2007-10-29T11:03:00.000Z

Because one person wanted it...I often go out in just my pyjamas, once I went out in just a towel.*

*I kid of course, fear not residents of university town.

But bastard, we've got a question to ask

2007-10-27T23:19:00.000+01:00

Have you taken any good photos on your camera phone recently (say today?), well in answer to that question, yes, yes I have, two infact, care to have a look.It's a duck darth vader! Genius, if it weren't for the fact it costs £7.50 for just a standard duck toy painted and slightly reshaped to look like the dark lord of the sith, I would so buy it.This evening for my tea I decided to try some magic, some fried chicken from my favourite take away in Reading town. A Take away so lovely, and so frequented by me that the waiter (it's a classy restaurant, let's call the man's profession what it is) recognised me and called me mate! I had some fried chicken, and was most suprised to read the box and find out I was tasting magic. Did I taste any magic? Alas not, unless friendship with a fast food provider is magic, in that case, then yes.

You'll love these right characters

2007-10-25T16:22:00.001+01:00

Coming to a major televisual network sometime whenever.

Enjoy them in their full size and learn their names here, because I'm far too lazy to put them on two places.

Gig Report

2007-10-23T12:54:00.000+01:00

You know me long time readers, I love to gig, love it when tunes come from the instruments live in the flesh. I love it when they lay down those beats live infront of their fans. I live to gig. That is why today I am talking about a gig I went to last night, I saw the Village Boyz live in concert (at the student's union bar). And they were awesome.The Village Boyz have been touring for nearly ten years and have even played in front crowds of 45,000. Well last night was an intimate gig for thirty of their biggest fans, and I feel this allows us fans to get up close and personal. Get taken away with their enjoyable forty-five minute set. There set included such Village People hits as YMCA and In The Navy. But also they had a range of songs that far expanded the length of the Village People back catalogue, you could say they are better than the Village People. They did such serious choons as Go West, Macho Man, Car Wash, Disco Inferno, Hot Stuff, Blame It On The Boogie, Night Fever, You Can Leave Your Hat On, Celebration. Hot Stuff being a particular favourite for the men as it allowed them a three minute break to purchase a beverage at the bar whilst the Village Boyz exposed their chests to some randomly selected ladies in the audience. I enjoyed purchasing a drink, and the ladies enjoyed looking at some chests. All in all this forty five minute intimate set for their biggest fans was extraordinary, and fully showcased the talents of the Village Boyz. Catch them at their intimate gigs across student unions whilst you can, and thank me later.

The last time I read a MeMe...

2007-10-18T23:19:00.000+01:00

...was Dan's a few days ago, and coincidently it deals with lasts. Sounds fun. Well I am bored. Its about last things and he made it up because he is what people call a genius.

Things that made you laugh (out loud or just in your head)?

I watched quite a bit of comedee teevee tonight, so that's easy.
The Peter Serafinowicz Show (it's improving, still solid stuff, but I still can't remember how to spell his surname, curse my memory).
Scrubs (It's solid comedy that I don't quite like enough to buy on DVD, but still enjoy it).
The Daily Show (Jon Stewart, John Oliver, perfect, even if the more american jokes pass over my head).
The Simpsons (Classic decent simpsons episode, not that movie tripe).

And ummm... something that made me laugh today that wasn't on teevee. Maybe my lecturer, after setting a vague design brief for a project which required half an hour discussion to understand it, said 'May the force be with you'. Just to make it more mysterious. I think he could be a Jedi.

Things you put in your mouth?

Orange and Pineapple and summat else squash,
Cherry Coke,
Chicken, chips and BAKED BEANS.
Breakaway.

A Pen (love the nervous biting of a biro in a lecture. Classic).

Blue things you saw?

I can't remember, I'm just going to looking around my room.
A pack of W H Smiths white tack that I brought to put up my new heroes poster,
Obi Wan Kenobi's lightsabre,
The 'SAVE NOW' button on blogger,
Mighty Boosh Series 1 DVD,
My scummy (maybe cummy, I have no ultra violet light) student house room carpet.

Crying pairs of pants?
Wot? Pants wot has holes in them? Leaks ahoy?

Daily Express headline subjects?

Something about the Nuremberg trials of the Nazi war criminals, I think that Daily Express readers think its disgraceful that Albert Speer didn't get the death penalty, and I think Daily Express readers should be angry that Hitler's architect got away from the Nuremberg trials with his life, sure he was one of the few officials to express remorse and was sentenced to 20 years' imprisonment but I think Albert Speer should be a headline on the Express.Something like this.

(learn more about Albert Speer on your friend Wikkipedia here)

I can't believe I'm attempting Nazi gags on my blog. I have no shame.

Vampire slayers?

There's one called Buffy on that show Buffy the vampire slayer, a show I imagine I'd rather love if I only got round to watching it (like probably alot of shows, Arrested Development comes to mind, I bet its awesome if I got round to viewing it, damm you fox for canceling it etc).

Root vegetables?

Chips.

Celebrities you could imagine dead, and the prefered method?

The 'celebrities' I want dead are the ones that should not judged to even be fecking celebrities.

Moments of temporary insanity?

I don't think today I was particularly insane today (for a change, if it had been any other day I might of been able to regale you all with the details), more frustrated and annoyed was today.

Things you looked at on this computer that you are using right now?

Albert Speer's page on Wikkipedia
Facebook, well someone new might want to be my friend!
I think I went on MySpace for whatever reason,
I checked my itunes playlist and made sure I listened to James Blunt's 1973 again.

Adverts what annoy me

2007-10-15T13:38:00.000+01:00

This advert for Tresemme annoys me, in the video some beauty editor for Reveal (whatever that is) advertises the wonders of Tresemme, until, shock horror, that chap from that channel 4 hair salon show thing invades the advert shoot steeling the bottle of Tresemme from the beauty editor.But does the beauty editor for reveal looked bothered, annoyed or shocked that her advertisement shoot has been invaded? No, she just stares blankly looking mildly constipated. But then maybe thats the real horror of having your advert shoot being interrupted by someone who isn't even a Z list celebrity, they'll make you shit yourself (if only a little).

Twenty blogs for the price of one!

2007-10-14T15:22:00.000+01:00

There's a partial slightly censored archive of me old blog on the interweb now, so as a special offer, get twenty blogs for the price of one (you are still paying me right?) here. I would lie and say it's for a limited time only, but it'll be up until I get taken to court.

Fact! I suck at scrabble

2007-10-09T11:52:00.001+01:00

Although I'm pretty sure Vrrmvrrw (meaning for a car to go like really really fast) is a verb, if only I had an extra R.

Loathe woe.

2007-10-07T00:05:00.000+01:00

I hate Student House Rental places, why? Well hatred of estate agents isn't rare is it now? So why am I ramming down my opinion adding nothing to the great age old debate on estate agents being cunts. Well I'll tell you why, It's the horrible way they try to make them cool, seeming to think they have to be funky and appealing for da studentz. They aren't student houses, they're apparently 'Student Pads' (maybe with a z, I can't quite recall if they are that insulting or not). The offices have to look cool for some reason, here's a photo of one just down the road to me.It's got a fucking large HDTV blasting out the tunes from The Hits TV Station. An amazingly large sofa, nice desks, but why the fuck? I don't particularly care if the hits music channel is playing (although I love the channel, love that new sugababes song where they all wear yellow. Phwoar, yellow). Do I love the Hits enough to pay an extra £20 a month rent? Not particularly (although once again, love that sugababes video).

TVs?!?!, sofas?!?!, Wankers of estate agents who insist on saying 'Mate' after every sentence because after your fun transaction you are apparently mates?!?!?!?! It all makes me want to vomit.

Shut up and Art!

2007-10-02T10:39:00.000+01:00

Hello, with one sky customer magazine, and a student house living room to decorate I've created a couple of pieces you might enjoy (or not, art is subjective).This my friends is a collage tribute to Noel Edmonds of Noel Edmonds fame, featuring all the picture I could find in the current issue of the sky customer magazine. There's Noel as Santa, Noel in a bikini and of course his pink chum (not his penis) is there too. It's wonderful!And this is a photo of the popular singer Rihanna, where for the first time (EXCLUSIVE!) she tells her true feelings on Umbrellas.

Cut and Shunt MeMe

2007-09-25T10:24:00.000+01:00

These MeMes usually have dull questions, but I'm going to take one of them and combine every 3 questions into one question. That'll make it more interesting, probably.

1. First thing you wash in your favourite coffee?

My white pants, I want to give the impression that I've shat myself after all.

2. Do you say "feeling RIGHT" in the last dream you remember having?

Only when I feel right in those dreams. But alot of dreams I feel uneasy, like the dream I had this morning when I went back to working at the Garden Centre, that didn't make me wanna say "Feeling RIGHT"

3. What comes to mind when I say craving a dance with me to the cabbage song?

The Cabbage song is quite erotic? Are you really sure you want me to be dancing to that? Seems inappropirate considering the cabbage massacres last week as well.

4. Do you use 1,000 ice cream smileys?

Using my finger to draw a smiley face in my ice cream seems unhygenic, why I would do one thousand of those I don't know. Seems wrong, and rude.

5. How many bedroom celebrity cottage cheeses are in your house?

Not many celebrities protest to be interested in the old cottage cheese bedroom pheonomina, but thats a mixed blessing so whilst you don't get many around, you get a higher grade of celebrities making bedroom cottage cheese, so sadly I only have two, the Jeremy Clarkson one, and the Richard Hammond one. But I refuse to get the James May one.

6. What was the last song your parents visited?

Something deeply erotic that left me traumatised.

7. Would George W. Bush go sky diving whilst throwing potatoes ?

If I know anything about George W. Bush, it's that his middle letter doesn't stand for wanker, that's just rude. But also he does grasp science sometimes, so he would refuse to throw potatoes out of plane, because they'd gain momentum and be really heavy when they did hit someone. Ouch town.

8. Is there sparkly Maths class on Saturady?

I think it's cancelled. They've run out of glitter.

9. What day is rap music falling in New York?

Like Hammer-time, but Hammer-day.

10. What was your best friend's cream puffs lunch?

Cream puffs are an inapropriate lunch I think, they should have something full of protein and I don't think cream puffs are. But it was cream puffs their lunch.

11. What is the effect of your butterfly's curly hair at school?

Jerks at school take pleasure in de-curling his hair. Jerks.

12. Have you ever brought a wall and cried?

Yes, because I realised I needed three more walls to complete my room, and I only had enough pennies saved up for one wall.

13. Hey person, Favourite time of the year for socks?

Every time.

14. Have you ever drank the next person you'll be holding hands with, whilst sleeping with the TV on? Will it mean anything?

Sleep drinking of someone's blood? A comatose drakula? I know what that'll mean, it means you're a sick evil bastard. Rot in hell.

15. Are you afraid of old good vision?

Yes, I'd look cool and all aged if my eye site when shit up the wall, but perfect vision when old? It wouldn't be natural.

16. Can you do your hula hoops gum job for 24 hours straight?

Not really, after a while it just become infuriating that I'm unable to create a hula hoops gum, working 24 hours straight on it would be inpratical.

17. What was the most recent window brands you brought?

Safestyle UK, you buy one, you get one free (might be a mention to an advert they only show down south).

18. How often are you in a complicated relationship with more than 3 people you hate?

All the time. You know me, unberable complicated relationship are the best, and because three is the magic number, it was even the more horrible.

19. Have you ever tripped and slapped a sarcastic someone?

Only myself.

20. Are you chap too forgiving of stick matters?

I am most certainly not a man who forgives someone if they broke my stick or made fun of my stick collection.

21. Do you own a hot phone gun?

No, I'm sure after the iphone they are the in thing to own, but I don't see point of combining a gun with a phone.

22. Are you closer to your hair or yourself?

Bit of both.

23. Do you chat like someone you know thats red?

I am red, so I chat like myself.

Cut and Shunt MeMe title copyright and trademark of Chezza.

Down in Brighton (not to be confused with New Brighton, Merseyside)

2007-09-22T17:11:00.000+01:00

I saw an infruiating example of how New Labour (not the be confused with Labour) has furthered it's bloody nanny state.Of course people should keep off another man's groin, it's just good manners, I don't expect someone to walk on my groin, and I don't go walking across another man's groin. It's rude, and it would hurt. Squashing bollocks, not my idea of a laugh.

(Of course anyone with a basic costal errosion knowledge will point out that groynes are rigid hydraulic structure built to interrupt the flow of water and sediment and not a man's tackle).

Am I an evil brother?

2007-09-21T17:28:00.001+01:00

My sister wanted me to buy her alcohol what with her being under the age of eighteen and her going to a gig and apparently requiring to alcobooze to enjoy the music. Fortuantly I brainwaved a bill for my services (Well it was more me cheekily pocketing the change, she did say she'd buy me a magazine to bribe me, and nerd magazine aren't cheap like heat).

1 X Walk to Shop = £1 (It is a ten minute walk there)
1 X Stimulating conversation = £1 (We talked about trees)
1 X Getting ID out for the lovely cashier = £1 (I loves the look people have when they look at ID trying to work out age, sometimes I think they just don't want to look stupid staring at it for ages)
1 X Tip = £1 (Remember the tip!)
_________________________________
Total Earnings = £4.

Not bad for half an hours work. I should feel bad for ripping off my sister.

Damm I forgot to charge her VAT!

Recently I've been...

2007-09-19T21:40:00.000+01:00

...not really doing much to be fair. I experimented with a new chav look which I think I might not quite be able to pull off. But bless me, I do try my best.Yeah dudes.

I was so bored yesterday I went out to Tesco, can you believe they're making a mess of the Crawley Tescos to add all sorts of stuff like an upstairs! The baked beans just kept moving! Agony! People need their baked beans. And damm those evil Tesco bastards for moving the baked beans around the place. Misleading the baked bean buying peope of Crawley.

I've been continuing with my weekly confidence shattering driving lessons fun, who knows, maybe I'll be a driver soon, most of the time during my two hour fun duration period I reach a absolute confidence shattering cock up about an hour in and just want to quit. I'm not the most enjoyable person to teach to drive.

I'm thinking of reading to aleviate my bordem, this book looks fun.An amazon reader review says 'it should make an interesting conversation piece'. I can imagine sticking a copy out on my coffee and scaring visitors.

To conclude Flight of the Conchords (like a New Zealand Mighty Boosh) continue to amuse me too much, particularly this song of theirs, maybe you'll like it.

I just be dreaming

2007-09-15T16:19:00.000+01:00

I hate playing sport comptetivley, hated P.E., I hated that I'd be chucked in goal for football because no one else would want to be in goal, and then I'd get complaints when I didn't save the ball, I just ended up thinking 'fuck you' (although I did save the odd goal) and tell them it was their fault. With this context, my dream the other night just seems even odder.

I dreamt I was the latest signing for Southampton Football Club, and was their new goalie. And guess what, I was amazing, doing some great saves. So amazing I had celebrity fans, well a celebrity fan, that celebrity being Hip Hop sensation Missy Elliot. She thought I was a great goalie!

Now I'm not one for interpriting dreams, but quite clearly I'm seeking praise from leading Hip Hop artists. Maybe the town of Southampton is my calling? Is Southampton where Missy Elliot is going to kick off her world tour? Do I infact want to play in goal? I'm bamboozled, but fortunatly I know I've got intelligent blog readers out there who will be able to tell me what my dream means, help me, you're my only hope.

Owning a camera phone has changed my life

2007-09-13T16:45:00.000+01:00

And I the prolonger blogger (that'll be the name of my third incarnation of a blog) want to share with you how my life got flipped, turned upside down, and Id like to take a minute just sit right there, Ill show you why owning camera phone has changed my life and how by possesing such technology I've been able to paint words via pixels via photography. Fox Talbot would be proud (He invented photography, love him.. LOVE HIM). So relax and enjoy the photography.A photo of a lake at Wakehurst Place Gardens, I wanted to take a photo of the Gardens, of some nice looking house building mansion summat which had morris dancing (with ladies... cool) infront of it, some flowers, path way, the cafe shop, but because of the tempremental nautre of photography (damm you Fox Talbot!) and the fact my new phone seems to have a personality of its own and saying to me, no, you shit, you shall not take a photo of these pretty things, instead, the camera only let me take a photo of some water. But what beautiful water.

In a way, it might of been for the best, because this photo captures the idea that this lovely garden is surrounded and locked in by residental areas, much like the water is locked into the photo. Its confined, and sadly you can confine nature, which is sad, expressed fully by the morbid lighting the camera brought. Also is it me or is there a large cat reflected in the pond?Here is the fastway bus in Crawley, a bus that is infact, so fast I failed to caputre all of it in the photograph. But look at the bored looking passengers in the bus? Planes are fast, passengers get entertained on there, but on a bus, no such luck, which is a shame, infact where air crew are expected to be lovely and friendly, bus drivers get away with being miserable shits, which sadly is a crying shame. So whilst this fastway might be fast, the passengers are sat their unamused, give them a film to watch for fucks sake! Or sell them some low price fags or kylie perfume or something tacky.This photo shows that Burger King, with its reputation being slightly better than McDonalds, makes this student 'I'd eat garbage' scum feel slightly better than some scummy members of the population. I have my eyes closed as I don't want to look down on my subjects, though loyal they are.This is my pleasure toy, and boy, does it pleasure me. Enough said.

I could instead of spouting bollocks on my Fox Talbot photography beauties just make a story with the four photos such as something like this;

A large cat was angry with me as I pissed into the lake, so I fleed on the fastway bus, hoping this would speed me away from the large cat. To Burger King was my plan, and I collected the urine of a worker there to plant at the scene (in a burger king cup), so I could blame someone at Burger King. The large cat believed my story and brought me a Dalek as way of apologies for accusing me of urinating in a pond.

Readers are welcome to think up a better story.

It's the 95th blog post spectacular!

2007-09-10T21:12:00.001+01:00

And to celebrate I'm just gonna do this pesky MeMe what Dan and Chezza has done.

1. Where is the last place you held hands?
Held hands? Does this include myself? I hope so, I love holding my hands, because they always grip back. If that does include what I has just said then I would say in Crawley.

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
Well friends have said I should go to Iraq and I'd be shot because they'd think I was Prince Harry. They'd want me there as a Harry Ginger Decoy or summat. So probably would not survive if there telling the truth, I think one of the people who said that is Navy bound in his future life beyond the university, so he should know.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
I dare say I've fallen asleep once or twice when the TV has been on, I even dare say I fell asleep during an episode of Heroes I was watching. Sorry, I do loves the show. Really.

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
No, though I have pissed straight into the carton, I don't mind revealing that.

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Spelling? But I still don't know how to spell through or threw. Gah!

6. What is your longest fight with one of your friends?
A few days? I mostly cower out in situations where I might have a fight. Are we talking proper fighting though? Bitch fighting? Slapping? Fisty Cuffs? I'm confused.

7. Are you a fast typer?
Pretty fast, wanna watch me do one in a video blog. Just kidding, I'm not doing a video blog anytime soon. They're shit, well mine are.

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
Not anymore. Though I was upto 12 when everyone else wanted the lights out in a hostel in Germany, but I didn't. That caused a falling out for a day. Crazy days. That forced me to toughen up. Yeah. I started fights shortly after not being afraid of the dark anymore. Yeah, fights.

9. Do you like someone right now?
I like people, I don't like some people. Swings and Roundabouts. Now I love them.

10. What ended your last relationship?
Failing to start it.

12. Do you knock on wood?
I don't tap my erections, that just hurts.

13. Are you drinking anything right now?
No, apart from my sweat. Lovely sweat.

14. Do you think you’re smart?
I think I'm smarter than I give myself credit for, but too lazy to be any smarter. And too lazy to justify any intelligence around people who are smarter than me.

15. Have you ever eaten a bug?
Can't say that I have, I'm yet to go on I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here when my daytime quiz show falls flat on its arse and I'm out of work. My quiz show would be called Quiz Factor.

16. Do you miss someone right now?
I miss you mate, you're a ruddy good mate. I guess I'm missing all the lovely people I know in Reading, but I shall see them when Term resumes! Whoop! I say resume, I mean starts.

17. What do you want for christmas?
Oh the usual, lots of DVDs.

18. Do you know the muffin man?
Know him? I suck off the muffin man.

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
Not as far as I know.

20. Do you remember your 1st crush?
Yes, and I didn't do anything about it like I don't do anything about crushes now, some things never change.

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
Oh Yeah, once let go of a kite on Worthing beach. Upsetting times. Fortunatly I man caught it. Never did get round to knighting that saint. Do you knight a saint?

22. When was the last time that you went swimming and where?
Fuck knows. I can't swim after three years of lessons. I'm lazy and incompotent.

23. Do you consider yourself successful?
No. I haven't even finished my degree yet or doing anything to suceed with, other than gaining those GCSEs and A Levels.

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell phone?
Fifty, I have fifty numbers on my phone, I only know that number because I had to copy over fifty numbers when I got my new phone. Might be fifty-one now.

25. Have you ever asked for a horse?
No. What would I do with a horse? Mount it?

26. Plans for 2MORROW?
Laze around Mofo.

27. What did you do this past weekend?
Watched Run, Fat Boy, Run at the cinema, which is quite good if a bit cliched (Simon Pegg and Dylan Moran make the film) and walked around Wakehurst place which was alright.

28. Miss being at school right now?
Not really, I have university.

29. When’s the last time you told someone you loved them?
The cat today.

30. Do you want to be single?
It's alright, although a partnership would be nice.

32. Who’s your hero?
Steve Coogan.

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
No, but I remembered today that for one or two days I was banned from the library at school, sadly I can't remember why. Might of been eating in the library, I really can't remember.

34. What are you looking forward to?
To my next driving lesson so when I'm asked my parents how it went I can 'grunt' a reply. Ugh.

35. If you could be stranded with one person for 24 hours, who would it be?
Someone lovely. And weird.

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
Can't say I have, tried cat biscuit though when a friend liked them (back when he was seven or sumamt), I tried them too, they tasted of metal, he must of been mental that friend.

38. Can you handle the truth?
NO. CUSHION ME WITH LIES.

39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
What? Green eggs? Green ham? What is wrong with this planet of ours!

40. What 3 things do you always bring with you to places?
Wallet, keys and phone.

41. Any cool scars?
I've got two dents in my head, one from a radiator, one from a tennis racket.

42. Are you missing in action?
Yes. Find me, please!

44. What’s your deepest secret?
That I want a polo mint.

45. How often do you talk on the phone?
Very little. Phone calls scare me, though I had a call with Reading Borough Council today, good five minutes of hardcore classical music.

46. Do you believe in love?
I suppose, can I have some please?

47. Is there something you want that you can’t have?
Probably, but I'm far, far, far too lazy to have that thing.

48. Four things about the preferred sex that you first notice?
Tits and Arse? Multiplied by two. Will that do as an answer?

49. When was your last time you cried?
When Anakin murdered those Younglings. Cunt.

50. Who did you last hug?
Someone who probably desereved it. Scum.

51. Do you get along with your family?
Yes I do, lovely people.

52. Where is your phone?
On my desk. Wanna call it? I hate phone calls, piss me off, dares ya.

53. What was the last thing you ate?
Curry.

54. Favorite color?
Blue.

55. Last movie you saw?
I just watched Star Wars: Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith. It's a good film, really. Sure flawed, quite flawed, but discussion of flawed films is fun.

56. What song are you listening to?
Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty, it came up randomly on me media player, it's a banging tune.

I'm proof reading at the moment and listening to Bob the Builders hit Can we fix it. It came up randomly.

57. What do you want?
Something to do.

58. Favorite car?
Vauxhall Labrador.

59. What T.V. show are you watchin?
Well today I watched Flight of the Conchords, so deliciously underplayed, I love it. And I've been watching Heroes and Battlestar Galactica.

60. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
The lady at Reading Borough Council, I think I love her. Admitedly our conversation was mostly full of silence and her getting up details, but there was a connection, she had a voice, I had a voice, we both had voices.

Cuntry Walk time!

2007-09-07T20:49:00.000+01:00

WARNING: If you don't like looking at photographs, might I recommend you skip this blog.Today in the means of being productive I decided to go on a country walk (or cuntry walk if we want to be crude), down a stretch of public bridleway that I hold most dear to me, over four years of intense schooling in which I gained my qualifications (like GCSE German) this bridleway would be become very dear to my heart, there were good times (the sun), there were bad times (the rain), there were confusing time (the hail), but I came to know this public bridleway as my second brother (after the cat). Join me with your hearts open to embrace the beauty of the Worth Way public bridleway in the beautiful West Side Sussex. Here is the duck pond full of crap. This one time back when I were lad before I gained me qualifications (like GCSE German) I fell in there, well I say one time, it might have been more than once. Needless to say from looking at the contents of the pond I must have smelt fucking horrible after my dips in there. But back in those days the kids would praise you for smelling like toxic waste. It was like a beauty scar some might say.How some kid gets world wide media coverage for going missing and this Harris Hawk going missing get's no publicity I'll never know. I would love to inform you I found the Harris hawk on my travels, but alas sadly not, I don't really know much of Harris Hawks work unlike his brother Chesney, I know all about his work (and I mean work, that one hit wonder scum boat).Here are some railway sleepers, well I assume they are, to be honest I wouldn't really know what railway sleepers looked like if I got struck in the face by one (but if they are what I am assuming they look like in the photo, than face sleeper combination probably equals quite a bang. Ouch. They'd fucking knock out my eyes). There used to be a railway line down here didn't you know? Until the evil Dr. Beeching closed it down. And thats why the residants of Sussex curse Dr. Beeching, and you just know that all the evil kids out there in Sussex have been named Beeching in line with popular conception that Dr. Beeching was sent here by the devil. Oh shit, how did that get in there, no one is supposed to know of my horse shit fascination. But now its out in the open, I guess I must explain the hardships I had when I were a lad just doing your qualifications (like GCSE German) and the kids would think you were uncool if you didn't cycle in the horse shit. Like the toxic waste daring, kids became more hardcore the older they got.Here is a bridge, I would tell you the story of when the Bridge collapsed and us teenagers rebuilt it only on enthusiasm and a desire to help the local community, but I remember that story isn't believable in the slightest, and I can't think of a decent punchline. So let's just all salute the Bridge. All hail the bridge.

And this is where our cuntry walk time must end, I hope you've enjoyed the walk, felt you were there and want to embrace this public bridleway, but not too much, there's horse shit on there, quite a bit actually, really smelly stuff. Goodbye and thank you.

Sign Time is back!

2007-09-05T20:03:00.000+01:00

Gary reminded me of a lovely blog event I used to do on my old blog (back when I wasn't a Ginger Bastard) in which I motivated myself to revise with signs. It became a phenomenon (well one person remembered it). So here it is a new sign time for a new age, back with vengence.

That Naff MeMe because I have Naff all imagination

2007-09-02T18:55:00.000+01:00

Something Chezza did on her blog of lusting, a Life survey, and seeing as I'm not sure if I have a life or not, I hope, no pray, that is survey will inform me. Do your thang!

LIFE SURVEY
LAST:
1. Friend you saw: I met up with some old school friends at t'pub, people I hadn't seen for over two years. Delightful comapny.
2. Talked to on the phone: Dunno, someone who wanted to talk to my sister, might have been her boyfriend, I just don't know.
3. Texted: I texted my boss to ask if there was any work going on Friday, still fuck all response, bit pissed off really about that, I need something to do in September!
4. IMed: The Chezza lady.

TODAY:
1. Wearing: Jeans, pants, a T Shirt and as of 2:45 PM (ish) socks.
2. Better than yesterday? Not really. Bit dull really, been lazing around. Yesterday I did some proper hardcore shopping, I spent £70. Ouch.

TOMORROW
1. Is: Monday
2. Got plans: Yes, I'm going to the cinema to see Knocked Up which apparently is this like well amazing comedy. I trust the reviews, even if the teaser trailer didn't inspire me that much.
3. Dislikes: about tomorrow? I don't think there will be much to dislike. Unless I spend another £70 in Crawley again, which I doubt I will.

FAVORITE:
1. Number: 1138
2. Colour: The colour of my poos? Purple incase you're wondering
3. Season: Well in most cases season one of a TV show is probably the best, but not always, lets go with law of averages and go with first. Or Second.

CURRENTLY:
1. Missing someone: Trying to think of something witty to say instead, but after stroking my stubble for a few minutes I've failed.
2. Mood: Failure, I couldn't think of anything to pass for witty to answer the preeceding question.
3. Wanting to: Try and answer these questions with some wit instead of Yep, Nope, Fuck you. No I will not rub till ejaculation, you people ask far too much from me.

QUESTIONS / ANSWERS:
Q: First thing you did this morning?
Woke up and went back to sleep?

Q: Last thing you ate and drank?
Sunday Roast with coca-cola.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
I need something to do with my September.

Q: What's annoying you right now?
That I'll have nothing to do with my September.

Q: Do you support long distance relationships?
If it gives me something to do with my September, then why not?

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
The person that'll amuse me this September?

Q: Do you think that that person is thinking of you too?
I don't know, wake me up when September ends.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
Not left the house today sadly. Oh well. Never mind.

Q: Do you look like your mum or dad?
I think I look a bit like my Dad, but I'm not posting a photo collage because I can't think of a witty excuse to say I'm not posting photos of other peeps on my blog.

Q: Do you smile often?
Yeah. Look at me now, I'm smiling Jez.

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity)?
Creativity

Q: Are you a friendly person?
I am at times, and some other times I just don't try and prefer to come across as an awkward dick.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue.

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?
Playing with my new phone. It has a camera in it, what will they think of next. Maybe a means for me to write down in the form of text to message a well meaning benefactor what I might communicate in a phone call, but instead send it to them in text form. Yeah, that.

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?
about half an hour ago at tea.

Q: What song are you listening to right now?
I was listening to some Orange Anubis music, he's like well good.

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10:
5. Would be better if I had something to do with my september.

SAD SECTION:
Where there was questions on Crying, so instead I'm just gonna insert this picture.

HAPPY SECTION:
Where there was questions on happiness so instead I'm gonna insert this picture

LOVE SECTION:
Where there were questions on love so I'm going to insert this picture.

RELATIONSHIP SECTION:
Where there was questions on relationships so I'm just going to insert this picture.

HATE SECTION:
Where there was questions on hate so I'm just going to insert his picture.

I once watched an episode of This Morning where Fergie cooked a curry, Zippy was no where to be seen.

If you want to see the MeMe in its complete form, look at Chezza answers to it, I may have slightly man handled it.

New Novella time

2007-09-01T12:16:00.000+01:00

I'm taking a break from writing my hit novella ginger pubes to concentrate on my new Novella entitled 'Graham Cook rewalks Britain'. Here's the first chapter.

Chapter One. Insanity.

Since getting a car Graham Cook just didn't walk anymore, which was a shame as during his time as a walker, he walked through some terrific locales, walking pass some terrific flea riden piss soaked people on the streets. But the posession (not ownership, he possesed the motormobile) of a car had stopped the walking, driving to the postbox down the road deprived him the joy of making trainer contact with cobbles (Or stilettos when on weekends). Cobble deprivation you may call it. A desease yet to be full recognised by the labour government. Going slightly insane, with his legs very much taking control of his brain, Graham Cook torched his car, well let someone else do it, well wanted to let someone else do it. This was going to tbe easier said than done. Graham left his car abondoned on the motorway hoping that would encourage someone to torch it. No such luck. He tried painting on the car 'Torch me' but he ended up just getting DVD copies of Torchwood left on the car left by overly critical Doctor Who fans who just didn't quite appreciate watching wanking and aliens in the same show. To hell with it thought Graham, and having listened to the Prodigy's hit ballad Firestarter, he was pent up with enough enthusiasm and loaded with tips on how to be a fire starter that he could do the job himself and start a fire. And also he could burn the Torchwood DVDs whilst he was at it, bit too welsh for this in the closet welsh man's tastes. With the DVDs burnt and also the car, as well as putting a message to Russel T Davis and increasing his carbon footprint, his legs could now get their full useage, he could walk to places. And what better places to walk than places you used to walk before you had a car. Watch out pedistrians and foul members of the public who hurl abuse at walkers by, Graham Cook would be rewalking back past you. Graham Cook would be rewalking Britain.

Random bullet pointed list on me Portugal Hol

2007-08-30T16:16:00.000+01:00

Hello there, I can't really remember specific days about my Portugal family holiday (and you wouldn't want an uber detailed drilling down of all my days spent there), it was in the Algarve which I'm informed is a part of Portugal, in a city called Lagos, so here's some bullet points of points of maybe interestment of me holiday. Enjoy!

This amused me on Lagos' famed 'potato' beach it's a random start to my tale of bullets, so I'll go for it!Now the bird has spoken, do what it says, seperate your trash accordingly for it is cool. And who am I to doubt the good word of a cartoon bird. He's so cute.
Whilst in Portugal I did a thing called Drinking. It basically consists of passing alcohol through your body until you do something stupid. I went to a charming little pub called Shytes (well it was called Whytes, but for wit purposes let's call it Shytes, because it was shite). I lost the will to make conversation when some how was in the company of a couple of sixteen year olds who said stuff like "oh my god I've only met 4 people here who don't smoke" and "I love Kiss 100" so inthralled was I that I couldn't even be bothered to camp up some horrified and look insulted when they commented my younger sister looked older than me. Shytes, here's me outside there;

We went on a boat tour and saw lots and lots of rocks, and I took lots and lots of photos of rocks, so lets continue a theme here and post a photo of an interesting rocks. Can you tell what it looks like?It's supposed to look like an elephant.

Did I mention I got frustratingly sneezy whilst on holiday? When the cat went away on his holiday (at the blinging Cattery) me and him got a bit too intimate in our goodbyes, I was sneezing like mad during the England match on the telly, sneezing like mad at Gatwick Aiport and on the plane, lack of fresh hair, damm you air conditioning. But would it be fecking alright once in Portugal? Fuck no, there was a 2 hour long coach journey which became a four hour long one when the coach broke down, by then my eyes were fecking streaming so much that the fecking sun pearced the retinas to make them leek some more, which links me to point five;

I became lumped with a football team to support. Now like everyone I loves soccerball, my favourite team being the Manchester Arsenals, but what with my eyes streaming I need a cap to keep that fecker out the eyes, I couldn't give a shit what the hat looked like, my sister gave some shit and steered me away from a touristy Algarve hat to a hat which said Sporting Portugal, which I assumed meant just sporting in Portugal, but after a week there I came to full realisation my sister had caused me to become lumped with a football team! Eeeek. Some guys in the catherdral ticket office started wittering at me in rather articulate english about how Sporting Portugal were crap, to which I did a sheepish grin, I wasn't going to fake offence! I couldn't give a rodger about them being a team. Then someone pleeding for tourists told me my team were a great team to which I did a thumbs up, so I guess I am a Sporting Portugal football supporter, dear god.Gramtically Sporting Portugal sound piss poor, but thats for me to think, and for you not to think, don't go slagging off my team.

What else to say? I was horrified to see McDonalds had infected the potato beach by putting on a dance stage to get young kids to dance along with an adult. Quite horrified when I heard they were dancing to Nivana. Basically I don't like to jump to conclusions but McDonalds want kids to grow up like that guy who killed himself. Bastards.

And to conclude, I didn't really get a tan and mostly hid in the comfort of the shade. Another happy ending for all.

MeMe on a Monday, what a novelty

2007-08-20T19:05:00.000+01:00

Dan did this Empire magazine based MeMe, I read Empire magazine, every month, why did I not think to do a similar thing sooner, because I'm an incompotent MeMe generator, unless anyone wants me to make one, then I'd raise to the challenge and produce shit. Anyway, here's me answers.

1) What's your idea of "heaven on Earth"?
A World where my younger sister is happy to help when I ask, because I had a cat on lap and had movement restricted, if she'd happily walk from her room to mine to pass my remote to turn on my speakers to me because the remote was at the other end of my room and I couldn't disturb the cat. Instead she stole my remote. Heartbreak. That would be be heaven on earth if I had a sister who would help my lazy arse.

2) Were you a teenage rebel?
Oh yes, I rebelled against the system, parents would rather I went out socialisng but I stay inside, what a rebel.

3) Who is the best James Bond?
Not really bothered about those James Bonds, but the new one Daniel Craig David is pretty good. What I mean by that is he is good, I wouldn't know about the pretty, although he has big ears.

4) Who is the person you most despise?
The person who phoned my mobile this morning asking if I was Graham Cook. I've ranted about this in my facebook status already, but if there is one thing I enjoy more than ranting about miniscule things, that is ranting again and again about trivial matters. 9:45 AM I was phoned if that was Graham Cook, not it fucking wasn't, how dare you interupt my sleeping pattern. I just said no it wasn't, and they said thanks anyway. Thanks anyway? thanks for what? for dissapointing your serach for Graham Cook. How very dare they.

Another person would say I should have been out of bed by 9:45 AM anyway, well probably, but yeah but no but yeah but this whole thing happened where I worked a tweleve hour and half shift at work, but yeah I say work, most of the time I was say there doing shit all, you slag.

Graham Cook? What an outrage. I couldn't get back to sleep after that, I now hate Graham Cook. As well as the person who phoned, if they weren't a lady I might think they are Graham Cook. Graham Cook does things out of spite.

5) Have you ever had a supernatual experience?
Not yet, unless Graham Cook is going to haunt my dreams tonight, I have a feeling he might, I have said I hate him.Here is an etching of a Graham Cook, not mine probably, he's probably dead this Graham Cook, so that would mean a supernatural experience may very well happen from this Graham Cook.

6) What do you want to have written on your tombstone?
Not Graham Cook.

7) What was the last film you walked out of?
I've not actually walked out of a film, only 2 films that I can remember I have walked out to go for a wizz, those films being Pearl Harbour and my second viewing of the Simpsons movie. I'd rather hold on for dear life than lose out on my penny paid for cineam trip. I bet Graham Cook walks out of all the film he sees, because he sets the bar far too high for any film he sees, apart from Transformers the movie, he enjoyed the subtext.

8) Do you do your own shopping?
Yes. How many men who are confused for Graham Cook can say that. Now I begin to think more and more about Graham Cook I might phone back the lady and ask if Graham Cook is there. That'll teach them. Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha.

9) How much is a pint of milk?
Milk. I, like many Graham Cooks, don't by milk, I let others buy me milk for my own evil cereal purposes.

10) Do you use public transport?
Boy do I. I'm still currently going through my second I hate driving lessons period in my life so shall still rely on public transport.

11) Have you ever stolen from a hotel?
No, but I know someone who has his first name begins with a G, and his surname begins with a C. It's Graham Cook.

12) How do you behave when you are drunk?
Good by auquardness. Wahey! Vocal, and I make a tit of myself and say stupid things. The usual drunken stuff.

13) What's the worst film you've seen?
Pearl Harbour. I watched a few minutes of it a few weeks ago, reminded me what an insulting film it is. Don't let me detract from my Graham Cook rant by letting me rant about Pearl Harbour. The Team America soundtrack said it best when they said 'Pearl Harbor [sic] sucks'.

14) How far is too far?
Menitoning Graham Cook in every single answer to these questions, thats going too far.

15) Who was your favourite cartoon character as a kid?
Sadly my future Graham Cook cartoon series wasn't around when I was a kid, so it would be normal stuff like the ten o'clock news or summat.

16) If your life depended on it, would you eat human flesh?
I dunno, ask me when I'm living on the streets because Graham Cook has stolen every penny I have. He's worse than Stalin.

17) Can you swear in a foreign language?
Ja. I can say shit in German.

Tee Hee.

18) Have you lied during this?
Yes, I don't despise Graham Cook, he's probably a nice lad, I just was mildly irritated by being woken up this morning by a phone call, my fault for not turning off my mobile, I'm really moaning about nothing.

Now to end on a happy no mention of Graham Cook note, here's me and Mr.Blobby, goodbye.And they call it Blobby love, well I guess they'll never know.

Wot I as been upto

2007-08-18T12:07:00.000+01:00

Clapham Junction is what I've been upto. Yawn another post where some weirdo proclaims his love for a train station. Big shitting deal. Move on. Well I made two 'Via Clapham Junction dream trips' this week. Thats the justification for the love. Lovification.Woof, what a surname.

I say 'another post where some weirdo proclaims his love for a train station' like I'm not alone in a strong plutonic love for Clapham Junction.

Via Clapham Junction Dream Trip Number One.

I went down to Dorset (via Clapham Junction) for a camping trip in a friends garden, the camping in the garden didn't really agree with me, but I had fun, checking out the sites of Weymouth and Bournemouth (they have beaches biatches), seeing the simpsons movie again this time stone faced but not wanting to slag it off because everyone else seems to like it! I enjoyed busting some moves on a dance machine (Javine, my favourite), I enjoyed some confusion at having a suprise birthday party about 11 days early, so unclued was I, I just was an infuriating guest and not able to understand subtle hints for me to fuck off out of the room. Woe is me. And I got buried in sand in Bournemouth not once, but twice, here is a photo of me buried the first time. I'm a pretty mermaid!I went on some ride that went upside down that made me question weather I liked rides like that, I thought as I could cope when rollercoasters went upside down sometimes I could cope with this ride that span upside down. I just closed my eyes half way through and clutched onto the metal bar for dear life.Can you see the ginger hair flying in the pic? Spot the ginge, the books will be bigger than Where's wally. Love them books, good stories. And that was via Clapham Junction dream trip number one, now onto...

Via Clapham Junction Dream Trip Number Two.

I went to the final recording of That Mitchell and Webb Look Series 2 (Really? Have to wait till February for it to air on the telly? What an outrage!). I mostly just wanted to go so I could have my photo taken with the Dalek thats at the BBC, which I did.I wanted to get a bit more intimate, but when the man told me not too touch it, I slightly held back my sexual urges for the dalek.Still it looks like me and the Dalek were making out, so it's all good.

As for the comedy, it was funny, well most of it. The warm up man failed to generate any real wit, I'm not that fussy, but someone with enthusiasm wouldn't go a miss would it, not some guy with some 'ironic dark material' like Ricky Gervias Ironic racist material. Still Mitchells and Webbs, some good stuff, Dan's gone into enough detail for me not to repeat what he's said, or I could copy and paste what he has said. That's lazy, but I am a lazy blogger nowadays. Zombie Big Brother parody, not funny, Numberwang and parodies of other teevee shows, funny. And on the plus, I didn't need a wee during the show despite having three half litre bottles of coke at my disposal. It's all gravy. No, not coca-cola with Gravy, that wouldn't work. And I got to pass through Clapham Junction earning a tedious enough link for both of these blog details of these escapades. Wahey!

Now to try and teniously link my holiday to Portugal in a few days time with Clapham Junction, I might fail.

Portugues people have visited Clapham Junction, like me.

Dear Coca-Cola

2007-08-15T23:49:00.000+01:00

Why is it that Poland gets the cool looking Cherry Coke cans, but the UK has to suffer the re branding wrath of coca cola corporation and give us the boring Coca Cola Cherry.Incidently I found the Cherry Coke can not in Poland, but in Clapham Junction, which some might say is an awful lot like Poland. I've never been to Poland, but I'm guessing it's just like Clapham Junction. I paid 65p for the can. Was it worth it? Well it was a good start to my delightful trip down to Bournemouth for a few days. I'll post some photos of that at some point, once I get hold of the most embarassing snaps of me. Dan just wanted a blog. It's all about appeasment, like the build up to World War 2. Which started when Hitler invaded Clapham Junction.

Quit blogging ginger shit and do a MeMe

2007-08-08T20:34:00.001+01:00

Alllriiiggghhhht. Here goes. Stolen from Dan. It's Mittwoch MeMe, everyone's favourite time of the week. Or time of the month. Periods.

My favourite chocolate bar is... Mars or Twix, or KitKat, or Club (if you like alot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club) or Breakaway. Any of those. Oh and those Maltessars that come in Celebrations, they're great. But are they a bar?

If I could I wish I could... bring back hanging for treason? I don't know really what I'd wish for. Maybe for someone to take away all the technology in my room so I'd be forced to leave the house, but that wouldn't really be a wish, more a blessing in disguise (more than meets the eye).

My ideal night out would be... being back at uni and doing the Quiz and Karaoke with some good friends. Very rarely the karaoke with the good friends, mostly the karaoke with myself on the stage lighting it up.

If I was a character in Hollyoaks, the producers would probably make me be... have a girlfriend, as if I'm capeable of doing that. You are silly Hollyoaks producers. That or they'd make me black.

My favourite Krispy Kreme is... not the one I had once when I ate it from one hand and the jam ended up oozing down the opposite sleeve. The one I had at Gatwick was nice when I got a nice handfull of change.

The place I want to visit most is... the marketing hot bods behind when is a good deal on car insurance not a good deal on car insurance? and riff and point out really obvious stuff like when you're insuring a wagon.

If I really love you, I will... proclaim my love for all the blogosphere to hear.

My ideal meal would be... a burger with chips, because I lack imagination and there's something nice about a bit of beef (or chicken) sandwhiched in a bun with some optional extras.

I fantasise about... a big tree who would knock on my window and talk to me about Wimbledon, he'd tell me about his proposed move to Croydon and I'd talk him out of it. For a start the Forbidden Planet from my recollection of a few years back is a bit of a mess unless they've done it up. I'd recommend to the tree to visit Croydon on the off chance the Forbidden Planet in Croydon is less of a tip.

I think that if I had a mutant power, I would probably end up with... the ability to be less socially inept in conversations. Or less fearful and puzzled by strangers who start having conversations with me because I'm sat down on a county park bench on my own. Delightful Chap. I think he wanted to walk with me.

My favourite cocktail is... I dunno, I had a couple of pitchers of cocktail at Wetherspoons this one time, it didn't make me that pissed, I don't know why.

If I dislike someone, I will... maintain pleasentries, because pleasentries are more bearable than conflictries.

I prefer to drink... Urine to trying tea or coffee.

I was happiest in "social" terms at... the age when I wasn't aware of social terms, when I was young and happy hanging around outside in my close.

I am impressed most by... the strange ability me and my friend have of just having baffling strange MSN conversations that steer to somewhere odd, we are currently talking about stalin talking to nazis in an irish accent and him telling them they cant win and me cheering while he rubs my shoulders. How does one even begin to explain how this conversation started?

I cannot eat... food that is Chinese or Thai, because that would mean I'd have to make the effort to try it and it just don't appeal to me.

I worry most about... my own inadequacies when I really should not give a toss and go with the flow.

I have stayed with my job for more than 5 years because... I have? my current job is only a month in, and will be a month till I'm out, it's just some temp filler work.

The customer I dislike the most is... Oh let's not go there shall we?

I will cry at... I dunno, I'd like to say emotinal telly, but I couldn't shed a tear when Billy died in Battlestar Galatica. Why Billy? Whhhhhhy!I maybe a bit behind with this teevee thing show. Have I spoilt the death of a minor character? I hope not.

If I had £50 to blow, I would... blow it on DVDs, toys and other wank I don't really need. I wouldn't blow it on a wank, they're free.

To get out of doing PE at school, I have... pretended I'd forgotten my kit when in actual fact I was far to organise to do that, and I'd have it in my bag, but I'd tell them I didn't. It worked most of the time. Although I got a lousy school report for P.E. Shame.

My biggest regret is... not making the effort.

I would like to... tell you about my new title as fascist dictatorship shoulder festish bitch.

I would rather be friends with someone who is... a bit unsure of themselves rather than an arogant cock.

The most disgusting toilet I have ever been to is... this one.I found it on facebook, it is an actual photo of one of the digusting toilets I have ever seen. Why this is on facebook? I don't know.

If someone tells me something (that isn't illegal or a health risk) in confidence, I will... want to tell someone.

I am upset about someone/something, I will... keep it trapped indoors.

This MeMe looked alot longer than I thought.

Ginger Civil Rights Month

2007-08-07T13:42:00.000+01:00

Did you know that this August is ginger civil rights month? No? What's that, you're saying, why should you care? Well I'll give you good reason to care. In the July the 9th edition of Woman Vanessa Feltz in an opinion peice about the smoking ban couldn't help but force in her own gingerphobic views in a completley unrelated topic.*

'I... like draconian bans'

'Soon people won't be able to go places... because they have red hair'

Vanessa is saying that gingers shouldn't be allowed in certain places. Oh when will the segregation end! Can the ginger man not go in the average man's pub?

Is that good enough reason to put pressure on Gordon Brown to pass a ginger civil rights bill? I think so. Make sure you write to your local MP expressing your continuing disgust at the lack of civil rights for gingers.

I would slag off Vanessa as retaliation, but I'm above that.Although come think of it, I don't really care for your sketch show Little Britain Vanessa.

*quotes may have been slightly taken out of context.

Gingerphobia is rife in my family!

2007-08-06T11:43:00.000+01:00

You'd think having a ginger aunt, and a great grandfather who was ginger (he apparently would tell people he was ginger) would mean I had a pretty tolerant family. But sadly my sister insists on ginger segregation with this present from her recent holiday.Ginger chocolates for a ginger man? Outrageous.

But how do they taste you ask? Well in an anology for ginger people, they initially seem like a good idea, but become bland, dull, annoying and you realise they just don't work!

----------------
Now playing: Jarvis Cocker - Running The World
via FoxyTunes

Sigh, I wish Gingers were running the world.

Stop! Novella time!

2007-08-02T14:15:00.000+01:00

I may have taken a break from writing my hit novella Ginger Pubes but I was just waiting for my own real life ginger pubes life experiences to occur and creep their way into my hit novella Ginger Pubes.

Chapter Three: Escape.

He chose EasyJet because of their overtly ginger branding, with his hair in contrast to the lovely orange infected on all things easy it would look almost brown. It was a smart move to make for his planned holiday (Or escapology as he called based on the title of a Robbie Williams album until he realised it wasn't the album with Angels, but the album with Feel which he hated, and then found out escapology wasn't really a befiting title for a holiday when he found out it was the practice of escaping from restraints, unless you call Gingerphobia restraints). To Spain he wanted to go, seeingly unaware of the large British expat community Spain side. He arrived, miles outside Spain, oh the perks of the tour operator. Someone attractive aproached him in the arrivals hall, they looked like someone from Las Ketchup, except the difference was this person seemed to act like they knew him in stark contrast to when he tried to bluff his way into a Las Ketchup concert hoping they'd pretend to know him. "Ronnie" she called him. Well that wasn't his name, not even close, it starts with a Z for starts. "Ronnie Weasley" He sighed, this escapology might not be the most befiting for a ginger pubes tormented man. Besides don't call it Escapology, it doesn't have that song Angels. He wants that played at his wedding.Escapology is available from Amazon for the bargain (don't turn to piracy) price of £10.99

To make amends for the rapidly declining quality of my blog...

2007-07-30T21:20:00.000+01:00

...I'll do a MeMe. They're a classic. And it's Monday as well, and I love my sheepish instincts, so here's the one what Dan made up. Because he has godly influence and all.

What have you done for me lately?
And whom may I ask is speaking to me? Is it my subconscious, well let's go with that. Well not really alot, I worked on Sunday, that was earning something for you, happy? I've showered, shitted and shaved when necessary, is that good enough? I've eaten. I should be pleasing you subconscious, admitedly I've not done anything anything exciting lately subconscious, but that might happen soon.

What time is love?
Whats love, whats love gotta to do with it? Can I answer a question with another question.

I'm a bit unexperienced with the old love lark, so I can't protest as to tell you which time it is, is it on GMT? BST? Or some mystical Z time I learnt about the other week. Z time rocks!

Do you know the way to san jose?
I looked on Google maps, I found there was a place called the winchester mystery house, and now I'm intersted as to what a mystery house, should I not ask? It's a mystery after all.

Is this desire?
A desire to find out what the winchester mystery house is? Maybe, although I'd prefer to keep it a mystery, I'm sure it's awfully exciting. But if I knew, I might just be dissapointed, or have a strong desire to actually go to San Jose, then I would need to know the way. What a dilema!

Do you remember the first time?
First time I blogged? Oh yeah I didn't know what I was doing, and still don't.

Would I lie to you?
Would my subconscious lie to me? No, it would me be lieing to my subconscious.

Is there life on mars?
I dunno, does my subconscious want to vist mars, is this an example of me lieing to myself not wanting to know if there is infact life on mars. Or are we talking about bacteria on a mars bar? Cos there will be germs on them, particularly if say you've dropped one down your pants.

When will I be famous?
Damm you subconscious, you don't want to be famous, you want to be infamous.

Where is my mind?
Up the apple and stairs.

What's going on?
Well today I went out for a family meal, except the car broke down about the outskirts of the village, we had to call the RAC, fortunatly we stopped at a pub, I played the deal or no deal quiz machine, anyway about two hours later we were all sorted and had our family meal, finished at five, screwed up my eating patterns for the evening, I've had a fruit corner. So that is, what's going on. Comprende?

Do ya think I'm sexy?
Right Said Fred went to my school, they met at my secondary school, not whilst I was there obviously, I'd be the third member of right said fred if they were at my school, because they'd obviously want me. Because whilst I don't think I'm sexy, I could fake the arogance to think I was sexy.

What difference does it make?
Does what make? Me being in Right Said Fred, well for one thing, we'd certainly not insist on releasing the single every two years, and we'd turn down that Daz ad, and try and appear in Ricky Gervais hit sitcom Extras, because whilst initially it was amusing when celebrities played themselves in the show, it became really tiresome, and with a Right Said Fred cameo we'd ensure the show became even more tired. What I mean to say is that I'm looking forward to the christmas special of extras.

Will you still love me tomorrow?
I dunno, you're pandering for attention with a blog title like that today. Bit pathetic isn'it?

What's my name again?
Optimus Prime.

Why do fools fall in love?
I don't know, because I'm a fool, I want to fall in love, but then who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him.

What's the frequency Kenneth?
Kiss 100 I believe is a big fan of Kenneth Branaghs Shakespeare adaptations.

Can I kick it?
I don't know, subconsciously I might be capeable of kicking a football, but the neurosis gets in the way. Actually I might be good at sports if I was pure subconscious.

Where did our love go?
Up the apples and pears.

What have I done to deserve this?
I don't know, you put the address into your browser, you've unleashed this sprawling tripe responses to some open ended questions.

So why so sad?
Because I'm bored.

Who let the dogs out?
It was them Baha Men. Happiest day of my life was when I saw them live. What a treat.

Transformers!

2007-07-28T20:37:00.000+01:00

Before I start, I should warn that I may got slightly spoilerish, although saying that the story of the film isn't that important, not the end of the world if that's ruined.

Anyway onto my attempt at a review, I hate Michael Bay films, Pearl Harbour, Insulting, Armageddon, Insulting, Bad Boys 2, Insulting, The Rock, well okay that one is okay and I suppose so was the Island, for the first 45 minutes at least. So onto Transformers directed by Michael Bay, I liked it. It was a decent comedy film for the first two thirds of it, some brilliant slapstick in a scene around the lead's house, a masturbation gag (there needs to be more wanking gags in hollywood films, I demand it, if the Bourne Ultimatum doesn't have an ownerism related gag, consdier me dissapointed) although I felt sorry for the parent behind me when his young son asking "whats masturbation?", generally a pretty funny film for 2/3rd of it, well it had to be for such a ridiculous premise. It'll probably turn out to be funnier than the Simpsons movie which I'm scared of seeing because I really really really don't want it to be shite like recent seasons of the show have been.

Back to them robots in disguise, Shia LaBeouf as lead, pretty good actor, nails the part, I look forward to seeing him in the new Indiana Jones film, Megan Fox the female lead? cor look at that cleavage. The last third of the film was completely crash, bang, wallop what a hollywood film. It got too silly in the end. And ending the film with the two leads kissing ontop of a transformer in his lovely car form? Was this a transformer threesome? Then to show the other transformers watching? Was the film going to end with a transformer orgy? The questions! "Dad what's an orgy?" I want an X Rated version.

Transformers excited me enough for me to buy my own little toy from Woolies before hand. Look it's a scene from a potential new movie from Hasbro, Brokeback Plastic.I made a Brokeback Mountain gag, I am so topical at times. Well I attempt at gags.

Timberland hates you

2007-07-27T15:52:00.001+01:00

See the man above in the photo, he hates you because you don't know who Charles Booth is. Who you may ask? Exactly, this is why Timberland the man in the photo is perfectly valid to hate you. Charles Booth devised, organised, and funded one of the most comprehensive and scientific social surveys of London life that had then been undertaken. Timerland appreciates this, do you? Well Timberland hopes you appreciate it by paying homage to Charles Booth's Inquiry into the life and labour of the people in London in his video to the hit song 'Give it to me' featuring himself Timberland, a man who has a surname similar to his Justin Timberlake and someone called Nelly Furtado. She's Pretty.

Quick history lesson, Booth's inquiry consisted of a map of London where Charles Booth and his homeboys would go around London producing a map where each street is coloured to indicate the income and social class of its inhabitants. There was seven classifications in all, sadly Timberland only has three people to use in his video for 'Give it to me', but he makes a wonderful attempt to homage the work of Charles Booth in his music video. Sure we could look at the work of S Club 7 with their similar Booth tribute, but we're focusing on Timberland for the time being.Timberland is playing 3 classifications of people in this video, shown through different facial expressions, the 3 groups are Lowest class. Vicious, semi-criminal, Very poor, casual. Chronic want and Poor. 18s. to 21s. a week for a moderate family. In the photo at the top of the blog he is playing the Lowest class, just look at that expression, he's a criminal! in this photo he is playing Very poor, grinning and bearing it. Give the man an oscar. The locale picked also emphasises this poverty, a grotty shitty caravan. Sure caravans weren't around in 1886, but Timberland is giving history a spin that the younger generation can appreciate. Timberland is also dressing as a right old scruff, and the camera man has shot some god awful footage of Timberland in the caravan just to emphasise those differences in income and social class.Here's Justin Timberlake playing two different types of classification, Fairly comfortable. Good ordinary earnings as illustrated in the above photo with him nicely dressed and some competantly shot footage of a concert and Mixed. Some comfortable others poor shown in the below photo.Justin shows Mixed, some comfortable and other poor well singing in Timberland's Povery caravan! Afterall, whilst some were comfortable, let's not forget others were poor as well.Here is Nelly Furtado, playing the classifications Middle class. Well-to-do. and Upper-middle and Upper classes. Wealthy. She's dressed well, shot in a nice pretty filmic stylee, I don't know what you'd call it, I'm a pop historian, not a film historian, she's all on her own, she doesn't care for the poor as shown below.Nelly is covering her eyes of the povery around her, what a bitch. Care! Would it hurt? Shortly after Booth's inquiry, it was called upon the British Government to do something for the poor, they couldn't cover their eyes for long!

So there you go, I hope Timberland is proud of me, showing that I care about the work of Charles Booth and hopefully you do too as well. Show my homeboy Charles Booth some love by visiting his fan site. Go on, tell them Timberland sent you.

Baby Names

2007-07-24T18:20:00.000+01:00

Wonderful news, Jordan and Peter Andre have named their third sprog, Princess Tiaamii. Tiaamii I hear you ask, well Peter of Peter Andre fame explains this nonsense word:

Andre came up with the middle name by combining his mother's name, Thea, with that of Jordan's mother, Amy.

"We've put an accent over the first A to make it more exotic and two Is at the end just to make it look a bit different,"

I'm going to use the Andre Formula for my baby's name, now I was thinking of calling my child after two of my favourite swear words, but my child can't have two names, so using the formula my son or daughter (thankfully it doesn't seem gender specific) is going to be called Shïtwankk.

Unless anyone is going to tell me that it's clearly a girls name.

It's just as well I amuse myself

2007-07-22T19:38:00.000+01:00

Whilst getting changed today out of work clothes I sang myself a little song, based on the frosties ad where some annoying shit sings "they're going taste great" I sang "I'm gonna get changed". This amused me far too much than it should have done. If you don't know of the frosties advert I talk of (don't pretend silly billys!) then this youtube clip might help.

Furry little stalker

2007-07-20T21:36:00.000+01:00

Look who I'm sleeping with...I'm not into beastiality, he's sleeping with me.

Going away to University, and coming back has made me allergic to that cat. Sneeze Ahoy! Today he's just stalked me, he either loves me, or knows of my woes. At seven in the morning, a completely unreasonable hour for students, he's meowing outside my door. At ten when it pissed and shat it down outside today, he comes into my room and meows moaning about it. He's been sleeping on my bed all day, adjusting his positions to take into consideration any positions I may have on the bed, I sit up, he sleeps near me, I decide to lie down instead, he moves a minute later. Sitting down in the living room, he runs to my lap, I put him on my mum's lap, fifthteen minutes later he's back on my lap. He's just bothering to get a reaction out of me. Although sneezing loudly got rid of him off my bed.

Well there you go blog, another woe like my tie woe yesterday that could be easily resolved with one simple solution, make the sure the cat doesn't bother me, leave the room door shut, but I loves the attention. Woe is me.

I'll learn when I'm ready

2007-07-19T00:09:00.000+01:00

I'm nearly twentyteen, and I don't know how to tie a tie. I went to a school where I dressed as a smurf (not literally, but you can pretend literally if you want), I didn't have to wear a tie for school. I've been to a couple of weddings, parents tied tie for me then, recent formal events, I've gone to friends in a 'I don't know how' state. Fortunatly my Dad tied a tie for me, so I'll have a ready made tie for work tomorrow. How I'll cope with doing a tie next for work when the parents are away next week I don't know. Maybe I need this site. Thank you for listening to my woes. Now feel free to laugh at me or give me lashings of sympathy.

Jay Z, the prophet.

2007-07-16T11:35:00.000+01:00

Confession time folks, I went a bit crazy last night after reading that Rihanna's hit song about Umbrellas had been number one for nine weeks. NINE WEEKS. I think it's rubbish, but so rubbish it's ruddy grown on me. It's only after my thirty third listen to it this morning that I've realised that rapper Jay Z's rapping is profound, intelligent, thought provoking and tells you more than you might think upon first listen.

Ahuh Ahuh (Yea Rihanna)
Ahuh Ahuh (Good girl gone bad)
Ahuh Ahuh (Take three... Action)
Ahuh Ahuh

Nice start Mr. Jay Z, a bit of Ahuh Ahuh sounds, a quick name check of the artist ensuring the record buying public know who download illegally. Good girl gone bad? Persoanlly I'm shocked, Why has Rihanna gone bad, if she's a good girl, always returning her library books on time, why would she go bad, would it be perhaps Rihanna found a corrupting book in one of her unfortunate god forsaken library trips and decided to raise two fingers to the library system with their dictation of when to return books, and she will infact return books when she wants to. I'm glad the character of the narrator in the form of Jay Z states this, otherwise it would seem Rihanna is proud of the fact she rebels against the the library system. For fuck sake Rihanna the library system is in place to ensure you don't hog the books. Bitch. And as for take three, Rihanna, take as many books as you think you can read in the three week period, not three everytime.

No clouds in my storms
Let it rain

Nice to know Jay Z is concerned for us southerners in Engerland, I'm fed up of the rappers that influx these shores being obsessed with northen issues such as 50 cent's candy shop, and that Jay Z is covering real issues. Although he maybe a year late, we've had shit loads of rain down south mate, last year was shit for lack of rain, but thanks for implying you care about us southern counties record buyers.

I hydroplane into fame (Eh eh)

I don't personally know what a hydroplane is, but wikki tells me it is a very specific type of motorboat used exclusively for racing and infact one of the unique things about these boats is that they only use the water they're on for propulsion and steering. So Jay Z has invested money into hydroplanes and this is how he has gained his fame. Bit of a shallow boast, because I've never heard of hydroplanes, I've heard of his fame, it's a shame he has tarnished his sucessful hydroplane career by doing some nonsense singing career, silly boy.Cor Hydroplanes look cool, or look like Thunderbird 4. Or are thunderbird 4? Quick Jay, get the rights to make a real life thunderbird 4, at once!

Come'n down with the Dow Jones

Another reference to his finanicial sucess from hydroplanes. It's just subliminal advertising for his hydroplane business. Very subtle. He's obviously breaking the news that he expects to float this hydroplane business on the stock exchange. Get in early guys!

When the clouds come we gone
We Rocafella (Eh eh)

Subliminal advertising for the american version of Little Britain there, by the time it's shown in america, thanks to the song everyone will already know the catchphrase Eh Eh Eh. I hear Jay Z likes it when the women vomit. He hasn't got that sophisticated sense of humour, sadly. I'm going to choose to ignore the rocafella telling the listener to rock or 'stone' a fella. It's just mean Jay!

She fly higher than weather
And she rocks it better

Quite a claim, I doubt Rihanna can fly higher than clouds. I doubt she can evil fly, unless you are talking of planes. Or maybe Jay Z's hydroplanes? And I sincerly doubt she rocks louder than thunder.

You know me
An anticipation for precipitation

Jay Z boasting about his degree in Meterology he gained from the University of Reading. But what he won't say is that he only just scraped a third.

stacks chips for the rainy day (Eh eh)

Chips? In Rain, you must be jocking right, fried potato will just go soggy. Silly Billy.

Jay, rain man is back with lil Ms. Sunshine

Jay Z name checking two of his favourite movies, both I gather are supposed to be quite good, I might get round to watching them at some point.

Rihanna where you at?

Well if you quit spouting your subliminal advertising for hydroplanes and american versions of little britain, and validating Rihanna's library rebellion ideas, perhaps she might start singing. Cock.Rihanna and Jay Z's Umbrella is available to buy if you want to ensure it's number one for a tenth week. I know I want it number one for a tenth week. Do you?

My bestestest Friend

2007-07-14T13:10:00.000+01:00

I got a message from a delightful fella called James on the MySpace. So delightful, so full of friendlyness I wanted to share with you. Here goes:

How’s things in Wiltshire? (Witlshire, I dunno where you got the idea I was from Wiltshire from, infact I don't really know where it is. I did say I was from Wiltshire once when I phoned into one of those DAB music radio station with the same bland playlist (Can you play Shakira?), I was Wayne Carr and I wanted the sweet escape by When Steffani, they didn't play my message, just my tune)
Your profile looks really good, my boss also said she likes your pictures! (Why have you been showing your boss my pictures? Bit sneaky isn't it. Spying on me like this. I'm hurt).

I’m a talent scout for one if the UK’s leading talent and modelling agencies and basically my boss has sent me on here to try and find some extras for filming pieces coming up in Dorset and also other modelling jobs. We have got quite a lot of part-time Modelling work coming up and not enough models in the area. (But I don't want to go down to Dorset for some modelling work, admitedly I'm going to Dorset next month, but you my friend James don't know that, besides it would seem I have a job lined up already, but I'm not mentioning that on my blog).

Its basically earning money for standing around looking good, and you don’t need any experience – everyone is friendly, the payment is roughly £180 - £225 per day for being an extra for the filming– and we need about 200 people. (But I don't like standing, my legs have been designed so I find it hard to stand around, I can walk around quite happily, but stand around like you've proposed just sounds like hard work. Besides the standing around looking good, I've never tried to do that, teach me to look good, and teach me to stand, you're in for a logistical nightmare James to teach me two things at once! Gah! If I wasn't good looking enough to be picked to sit in the front seats for the filming of the David Mitchell/Johnny Vaughan panel show Best of Worst, what makes you think I'm good enough for you!).

I’ve just been looking at your pictures and you look good, just wondering if you have ever thought about part-time modelling? (No, not ever, I still don't believe most of my acne has cleared up and I've just had a haircut which I don't really like, fringe is cut too short, gah it's a nightmare James mate, as a vain shit, you must feel my pain).

Let me know ASAP (You want a sap of myself, sure you can get sap of tress, but not off people James, you're not too bright are you mate? Unless by sap you mean semen, then quite frankly I'm not into that kind of stuff)

James – sorry if this sounds a bit random!!!! (Random, you're telling me. But thanks all the same, you made me consider for 10 seconds to look into modelling, and you offended me with your obscene number of exclamation marks used. How horrific).

On evidence of this message I think I'll stick with Facebok.

Mittwoch MeMe Time

2007-07-11T19:08:00.000+01:00

Aliteration is fun, sadly I'm doing this MeMe from the NewPlanet on wednesday, but German helps me to aliterate, so here is my Mittwoch MeMe.

In general, how are you feeling on this Mittwoch?
I'm alright thanks for asking, wasn't too bad a day, watched This Morning in frustration that the stand I co-designed for the Royal Society didn't appear (apparently they recorded an interview there). Tried a bit of a job search, went to a friend's house. Now just chilling. I'm feeling okay. Thank You. How are you?

First person you spoke to today?
The man on the phone (unless you include the cat) who told me because I was living in a less scummy part of Reading next year, I saved fifthteen pounds on my insurance. Wahey!

First song you listened to today?
Some song they performed on This Morning. This scottish lady who had the charming story of buying a CD with a tenner her granny gave her, and how it inspired her to be a singer. She was quite good. Don't ask for any further details, I can't remember. I think I fancied her. She certainy didn't hurt my retinas.

What clothes are you wearing today? - Full details please!
Full? Oh dear oh dear. Well I'm wearing some Wanted Beer socks, some jeans that fit a bit tight, taut buttocks, green T-Shirt of some description, and some sperm killing Y Fronts, Blue. Excited? I bet you are. Aroused? Don't tell me.

What kind of 'hair day' are you having?
The type of hair day where I've showered and washed my golden locks in the morning, one of those.

What is the weather like today?
Bit Meh, though the sun has been out.

Highlight of today so far?
I dunno, watching 300? Was quite good, tits and violence, what a film, just not quite entirely sure there was much of a story.

Lowlight of today so far?
Watching This Morning.

Highlight of the past weekend?
I dunno, pretty uneventful weekend really, catch me at a time when my life is a bit more eventful would you, though the house party I went at the weekend was alright, nice to see some friends again and pretend that term hasn't ended. It has. Bugger.

Lowlight of the past weekend?
Packing to go home? Live Earth? What was the point of that. Most of the stars didn't have much of a clue, Akon said at one point "Support Global Warming" Moron. Oh I could rant and rant about Live Earth, but what's the point? No one watched it! Although I did.

Amount of money spent over the past weekend with details of expenditure!
If you really want to know, here goes:
£2.75 for 4 cans of strongbow
£2.00 Chippy!
£3.00 Chippy!
£0.89 Cherry Coke!

The fact I remember that means I could potentially budget, but I'm too lazy and in denial.

A photo taken this weekend!
Ummm... Probably the ones that are on my blog already. Not seen any houseparty photos of me just yet, will wait for those to appear on facebook as I am a camera whore.

What are you most looking forward to this week?
My week is shaping up to being quite uneventful, so I don't really no.

Thing you are least looking forward to this week?
Looking for some summer work.

Hey, what's happening dudes

2007-07-09T20:11:00.001+01:00

Well I aint blogged since the 29th of June, so no doubt you're after some kind of explanation, after all, as all mathematicans can tell you that is a 92 day long gap. Well Mathematicans and non-mathematicans I've been moooooving! From one student house to another, and spending time at new student house for a week to make sure everything is all gravy. It's not all quite gravy, the freezer door is quite keen of falling of the hinges, and my bed has a good old dent in it, but other than that, it's all good my friends, I'm back home in West Side Sussex, maxing out the bandwith on the parents intertune connection, but now I want to take a moment of your time (if you want, it's optional) to show you some photo arousements of my last week of house moving. Don't worry, there's only four photos.Look it's my new room, bit smaller than last time, and left with a slightly girly touch to it (it had pink curtains and the smell of popery, but my man stench soon got rid of that, though I still love the pink curtains). The room looked a bit dire with white walls, but some good typographically spaced posters and it looks alright.Look, after only four days of living in our new student house we already aquired a trolley. Well it was a hand-me-down from a friend who was moving out of the student area. And they are good snack holders at parties.The living room with it's white walls was just looking depressing, so I moved over my art gallery from my old student house, and some hot shot (me) commissioned a frustrated artist (me) to draw a new picture, one of the new student living room. Enjoy, and maybe the gallery will grow and grow and I'll get my own art gallery. One can only hope.But my week ended, and I decided I was bit bored of being in Reading without Interweb, so I came home. On the train, with a suitcase full of crap. My suitcase fucking broke, the handle snapped off half way during my half an hour walk to the train station. Rain started falling two thirds into my walk to the station. Bin men started talking to me at about the same point. "Are you going on holiday" "No, going home from uni" "You've quit uni?" "No, term has ended" A charming conversation transcribed for you.

Going through Clapham Junction (which is claimed to be the busiest railway station in Britain, and even in Europe according to Wikkipedia) from platform 4 to platform 13 wasn't fun lugging the suitcase. It frustrated me, and made me think next time, I should get the bus to the station, and not stuff the suitcase with so much crap, and not break the suitcase. Still I left a nice present for someone on their front garden, a broken handle, fucking annoying that the bin men were compost binmen. Although I'm convinced that Earley is the friendly part of Reading, whilst Clapham is one of the unfriendly parts of London. The photo above is of my broken handle on the train if you're interested. Wish I took a photo of my suitcase handle dumped on someone's lawn, but I didn't want to miss my train.

Was that worth a seven hundred and twenty seven day gap in blog posts? Probably not.

Random Student Evening and TV Geh?

2007-06-29T16:47:00.000+01:00

TV Geh? would so be the title of my TV show if people feel they don't have enought choice of shows about telly, what with there being Harry Hill's TV Burp and Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe.

Anyway onto my first point on my blog minutes, random student evening. It started with me discussing with my friend after watching Bruce Willis on the Daily Show and an advert for the queen (that filum) my potential franchise film, Zombie Diana, my aim for the film series for it to be the most offensive film ever for Daily Mail readers. I would say more, but then I might actually start writing it. Which I probably won't.

Then onto the student union for the quiz, we didn't win, we never win, but it's the taking part that counts. Then onto a student bar in halls with the promise of pound a pints, what with the alcohol froth going out of date during the summer break. I cosumed a couple of pints, and got a delightful history timeline drawn on my arm. Well I got some delightful trigonometry fun drawn on my arm last thursday (SOH CAH TOA in da house), it seems only fair to have history timeline drawn on my arm (1929 Wall Street Crash!), although I wanted better use of me veins as a timeline. But oh well, no need to be picky. Maybe next week I could have a venn diagram on my arm or some science, I'm open to suggestions.

Then off to some chippy for a 99p Pizza, bargain, tiny of course, but 99p? That's so cheap, it's almost exciting. Even if I did pay 30p more for them to hide peperoni under my cheese (under cheese? this is an outrage). Then for some reason it was proposed with have a Doctor Who marathon, all of the second series (that one that David Tennant started in). Great! Well probably, although it beat walking back in the dark through Reading on my own in 2AM fearing the dogging filled park of fundom. I lasted until 7:30 after that Cyberman episode with that guy from Only Fools and Horses that I should have fond affetion for if I bothered to watch Only Fools and Horses (isn't the Green Green Grass just turdily hilarious?). It was my realisation there was seven more episodes to go (I thought six, forgot Mark Gatiss sold episode about TeeeeVeees, but remembered that Peter Kay episode, ugh! Shit). So I went home to bed for a couple of hours of kip to be a woken with a TV Geh?

You know tennis, well the tennis cup this year is being held in Wimbledon. I kid of course, I know of Wimbledon. Well what I loathe more and more on TV is Montages. The montage that started Wimbledon coverage today was just plain non-sensical. Tony Blair, 10 years in office as Prime Minister resigned a day ago or two. Tim Henman knocked out of his 14th wimbledon, but he says he'll be back next year, sure he won't win, but he enjoys it. That Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocell song time to say goodbye. Combine all three things into one montage? Intercut famous quotes of Tony with old footage of Timbo. But... Tim isn't saying goodbye, he'll have a holiday, and be back playing tennis. Tony is saying goodbye for being prime minster for good. Why intercut these two things together in one montage? How does the 'friend of foe' quote from Tony link to Timbo? Tim doesn't have foes, he plays tennis. It's just a nonsensical montage! Tim Henman crashed out of Wimbledon the day after Tony crahsed out of office! I just don't understand it. TV Geh?

Well goodbye, may not be blogging for a week, but I'll be back. Ciao.

Frozen object of the week!

2007-06-26T23:04:00.000+01:00

Yes, it's everyone's favourtie regular blog post on the more strawberry blond bastard's blog of bastardry, frozen object of the week. Remember last week when I showed you my frozen turd, well this week I've found something even better, a frozen can of strongbow. This is so exciting that I at once took it outside to the garden and dropped it on the patio to hear the satisfyingly amusing 'fud' that met me when I dropped it on concrete.Some scientists think the freezing process has made the cidery goodness make the foam slightly dent the top of the can all by itself. Historians are looking at the cause for the great freezing of the strongbow can, could it all be explained through the key word, student? Who knows, I'm neither a scientist nor historian.

I'm wet

2007-06-25T13:29:00.000+01:00

Hello. Rain. Water. Soaked Jeans, fringe wet, bit cold, so let's do a MeMe! Dan did it. It looked quick, then afterwards I'll chuck up the video blog I did yesterday, but chickened out of putting up on my blog, but that Cheryl said I should put it up, blame her, praise me. Anyway, onto the MeMe.

Favourite joke?
I'm useless at remembering jokes, mainly because I don't really like jokes, too conventional comedy wise. Although my favourite and only joke I remember hearing recently is What happens when you come across a lion? Wipe it off. I'm sure I've blogged that hilarious joke already. Oh well.

Team-mate?
I'm on a team? I don't quite understand. I most certainly don't have a breeding partner.

Opponent?
Rain. Fecking rain.

Other sport?
Sport? I am a nerd, I don't do sport.

Shop?
FOPP! Fopp! It's just a reassuringly nice sounding noise. Fopp?

TV/Radio Show?
I only listen to one radio show at the moment, so that one is easy, that mitchell and webb sound, as for favourite TV show, obviously the IT Crowd (I kid, I watched it last night, and just thought it was a terrible waste of Christopher Morris' talents), Peep Show, I'll go with that.

Mode of Transport?
I like foot when it's not raining, but I don't like paying for transport. I'm a cheapskate.

Item of Clothing?
Pants. Keeps me Jaffas in their place.

Night out?
The Pub Quiz slash Karaoke at the student Union on Thursday. Good little night out that is.

Sporting Memory?
Me crying because I didn't want to do cross country in the rain? What was the fecking point of cross country. Although it could be a nice little stroll at times, walking and having a chat.

Gadget?
My external hard drive, storer of all my illegal downloads.

Place in London?
Well I always go to Forbidden Planet when I'm in London. The Drill Hall is fun. Paddingtion is fun because I enjoy saying 'Padders' The Royal Society sumemr science show next week is a fun plug because it's got some desiging from me.

Now the video blog.
Sorry, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

How good was the season finale...

2007-06-24T12:18:00.000+01:00

...to the people's quiz?Such drama, such tension, such pulse generating tension. I had travelled on a journey with these people in my need for Doctor Who to start earlier. Such a variety of difficult questions to help find the brightest, cleverest, brainiest people in Britain. If you didn't know who starred in the 2004 Film 'Shall we Dance' with Richard Gere, you are obviously not worthy of the show (it's Jennifer Lopez). In the end a modern day suffragette won the show, the man (William G Stewart) tried to get her down by saying only a man could win it, but boy was his face red! Now thanks to the winner of the people's quiz, maybe women will get the vote soon.

Jamie Theakston proved to be a charistmatic host, a man the contestants loved. In the season finale a student failed to score any points of the brain chain, Jamie being the lovely chap he is enquired as to the students BITTER FAILURE "What went wrong? Nerves?" "I just didn't know the answers" Wonderful banter! A favourite bit of Jamie banter I enjoyed over all the other banter was during the hit spin off show on BBC2, when he met a lovely gentlemen who with the awsome advantage of MATHS was able to work out the day when assulted with a date from the past century. The banter between the two men I loved, and have commited to memory.

"What's your date of birth?"
"21 December 1977" said Jamie.
"1977?" says the contestant in a stilted way, trying to hide the fact he's dealing with scripted banter.
"Oh okay" says Jamie in a mocking jokey 'Oh my gosh' way "1970"
"Tuesday"
"That's amazing, I have no idea if you're right"
For all we know he could have been talking shit, he could have, but he had the awsome advantage of MATHS, probably the reason he didn't end up on the final show because MATHS isn't for quizes, celebritiy knowledge is.

Back to the season finale, oh what excitement at various points I was literally shouting at my screen for some montages! Come on Montages! Feature some Snow Patrol! I want crying as well! And you know what? The geniuses at the people's quiz were happy force in as many montages as permited in the hour long fun spectaculor.

So in conclusion I went on a powerful journey with the people of the people's quiz, and my saturdays won't be the same without it. Role on the next season!

Virgin Media want me dead

2007-06-22T17:44:00.000+01:00

No, I'm not going to start ranting about the Virgin Media take over of NTL and complain that I'm missing lost or 24 (cos I downloaded them instead on my Virgin Media connection, although I'm still not sure why I bothered downloading the recent series of 24, what a turd), I am (of course) refering to the vans that drive around from Virgin Media. One would assume these vans go around installing lovely Virginny Richard 'Him from Casino Royale' Branson goodness down cable pipes.

What with being a happy go lucky pedestrain with a disregard for Motorists, I get annoyed when I cross a traffic lights and those fecking car wheel lovers try and speed up really quickly to escape having to stop at the lights. Well a week ago (I meant to blog this sooner, but hey, I had more important things to blog like cocks and art) a driver of a virgin media van did this very thing. No real reason to link death and Virgin Media (unless anyone wants to calculate some idea of a man strangling himself with Virgin Media cabling), but it was as a crossed the road after the virgin Media van breaked that I suspected death linkage, for you see this van had the caption "Near Miss" on the side of the van. Near Miss (refering to its lovely and only aspect worth being a Virgin Media customer, on demand service) but more seeming to ring in my mind that the van had just had a near miss in fucking hitting me! And there's another van going around saying "Faster, Faster, Faster" which of course means they want to run pedestrains over.

It's a sick world we live in, more people should be chasing cars (what does that even mean?) than cars chasing men. 'Oh let's have fun, with cars chasing men...'

Dot to Dot Time

2007-06-21T17:21:00.000+01:00

For some reason this afternoon I drew my housemate a dot to dot, below I present the solution to this dot to dot.I'm a mature fuckwith for someone approaching twentyteen.

(Modern) Art Attack!

2007-06-19T10:33:00.000+01:00

This is an Art Attack, this is an Art Attack, this is ART ATTACK! *Cue them sirens* Hello and welcome to todays (Modern) Art Attack. First peice is called 'I'm no hooker, but I wouldn't say no.'The second peice for you today is called 'I use electric, therefore I am one'Don't ask me to explain my art, I'm too cool to do so, as demonstrated through this next peice titled 'male blogger wearing ladies shades' Good Bye!

This week I've...

2007-06-16T11:32:00.000+01:00

... been on a party on a boat, been confused that Jack Johnson is the kind of song you use to conclude said party on boat, spent the week trying to think of a dissertation idea then getting inspiration at the last hour through a Charlie Brooker article, been on a bouncy castle, inflatable sumo restled, inflatable gladiator dueled, flung myself at some velcro wall whilst wearing a velcro suit, sung a Britney Spears song at karaoke as a dedication for a friend's birthday, got some fucking spyware on my laptop, almost had a joke engagement, watched the apprentice and wanted to see a penis shaped building on the south bank, watched hot fuzz a few times, cut my nails, but none of this is worth blogging in light of the fact this morning I changed my laptop wallpaper for the first time this year!Yes I know of the print screen button, but I'm being arty.

Blame Dan

2007-06-12T12:28:00.000+01:00

for the answers to the questions I stole from Dan which you may be about to read.

What I was doing ten years ago… ?
I don't know, twas year 5 at school, so I would have been schooled wouldn't I of blud? That year I moved a few roads, to a close that didn't have a hangout which consisted of cement being poured down a hill. It should be a local beauty point. I shall have to take a photo of it to share with you lucky lucky people at some point. Alos that year my obsession began with them Star Wars films, curse you George Lucas and your cash cow bastardisation special editions.

What I was doing 5 years ago… ?
2002? Year 10 at school? Being schooled blud. Or maybe hanging out infront of the bullen block. Named after Mr. Bullen, who was well wicked Blud? I think I probably had year 10 exams at this point, which were highly enlightening, I was good at some subjects and fucked up others!

1 year ago… ?
Lazing around in the halls of residence, finished my first year university exams. I think I went out studenting it large a few times this time last year. Not very exciting really. I'm not selling you the excitement of my life really.

Yesterday… ?
Uni disseration semminars workshop magic events. Then a boat party for some halls of residence I'm oddly attached too. Fecking expensive drinks. Shame the boat didn't stop aboard a tescos (which you can, next time you're on the thames, thames fans! Oh I love the thames).

5 Snacks I enjoy…
Muffins, Mars bars, Cheesey chips, Toast, Cocaine.

5 Songs I know all the words too…
Oh quite a few it would emerge, and only the crappest songs such as Scooch's We're flyign the flag, Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend, Natasha Bedingfield's These Words, although I know all the lyrics to Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger (Well it is the Peep Show theme) and some other song... I dunno, R2-D2 we wish you a merry christmas.

5 Things I would do with $100 million…
Pay back my student loan, fund a hollywood version of Ginger Pubes my novella, Go somewhere exciting on a aeroplane, create my own dance moves and spend the money funding it to export it around the world, bring back Noel's House Party.

5 Locations I would love to run away to…
Londinium, Brightinium, Bognorinium Regiusium, Formerium Yuogoslavianium Republicium ofium Macedoniaium, Crinkleyium Bottium,

5 Bad habits I have…
Lazyness, which comes in many forms which I think fills the five bad habits quota set.

5 things I like doing…
Random Conversationing with friends, Comedy watching and laughing, being geeky, Pub Quizing, buying the world a coke,

5 things I would never wear…
Well you've got to try these things once haven't you? Although my friend didn't suggest that I would dress as a lady, she'd dress as a chap for the boat party last night, but she didn't think I would do it. Probably not. I'd need to be drunk and less self conscious first.

5 TV shows that I like…
Peep Show, Spaced, I'm Alan Partridge, Heroes, Doctor Who.

5 Biggest joys of the moment…
Oh can't be aprehensions? I'm no good at picking joys.

Joys at seeing drunken phtotos of last night when loaded up to the book of faces, the joy of having some lunch and filling my stomach, the joy of my own amusement at my uselessness on the phone and how I want to bite my tongue off to stop me talking crap, the joy of wanting to watch Hot Fuzz on the DVD again, the joy of skipping, no man should deprive himself of a good skip now and then.

5 Favourite toys…
My star wars potato heads are pretty hawt, love my cyberman action figure, love my yoda cuddly toy, love my emperor pez dispensor, love my kenneth kenobi collection on top of my now deceased TV.

5 next victims…
I'm not telling you who I'm going to kill, because then you'd know!

Wildlife documentry time!

2007-06-11T00:06:00.000+01:00

In an excuse to claim to start a regular feature on this blog, I turn to the wonderful world of animals in a not really going to be a series of video blogs. This week I look at ants with a little coarse language thrown in for good measure. But be warned, some may find the ending a little emotional.

Karate Report

2007-06-08T15:27:00.000+01:00

Last night I went along to Reading University (Don't call it that, it's not it's name, it's the University of Reading!) Bar Quiz and Karate session. We did alright in the quiz, we got full marks on the music round which was all girl groups, being a big fan of them Sugababes and them All Saints (can you believe that some of my later karate sparring partners didn't realise All Saint's had done a cover of Lady Marmalade, they ruddy did you know!) I was able to provide a significant enough contribution which gave us a decent enough score for our team 'You know where you are with a cock'.

But you don't care about that, you want to know about the karate. Well I foolishly said to someone in possesion of the karate book that I wanted to do a Karate duet of Barbie Girl. Then I was put down also for a mystery karate duet with another sparring partner. The Barbie Karate duet never materialised, but as a closing to the karate evening I did the mystery duet with another sparring partner. Turned out to be Oasis and Champagne Supernova, a song I quite like, but I'm only comfortable doing karate when I'm making a tit of myself. I tried to throw a few swear words into the karate battle for my own amusement, but just felt silly, and ended up holding the karate microphone a decent enough distance away from my mouth, so that my fellow karate battler could hold a tune loud enough to go over mine. But that's the thing about karate, there are different options.I may have changed the word Karaoke to Karate for no apparent reason.

Karaoke Fact of the day! Dojo kun is a set of guidelines for karaoker's to follow both in the dojo(a room in which karaoke is taught) and out of the dojo, in a karaoker's everyday life.

Three is the related number to this particular blog post and possibly magic

2007-06-05T00:34:00.000+01:00

Dan tagged me, well I think he did, I think he referes to me as one of his comedy children, even though I'm like almost mature. Bollocks. Talking of bollocks, here's the MeMe.

Three Things That Scare Me:
1. Phone calls.
2. Social interaction and making conversation with people I don't know that well.
3. My lazyness and how it will fuck up my life.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:
1. Them bloggers I read make me laugh
2. My friend's make me laugh
3. My comedy likes make me laugh

Three Things I Love:
1. Comedy
2. Company
3. Cheesey Music.

Three Things I Hate:
1. Arogance
2. People obsessed with themselves.
3. People who can't/won't do small talk. Come on! I struggle with conversation, help me out and end this auquard silence. Is that too much to ask?

Three Things I Don’t Understand:
1. Dan briefly mentioned the new 2012 London Olympics logo and not understanding it, I'm gonna take this blog a moment to crowbar in my alternative version of it.That's what London means to me!
2. The appeal of Graham Norton or Will and Grace. I live with housemates who love these respective shows, I can't understand them, they're just tired cliches. The shows, not the housemates.
3. Lady stuff. I got asked by some lady friends the other day if they could 'ghd' my hair. It apparently straightens hair, but my hair is already natuarlly straight!

Three Things On My Desk:
1. A lot of free promtional tat that I've stolen from various sources recently.
2. DVDs!
3. My bank statement, should probably file that away.

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:
1. Playing around on facebook with all their new applications stuff. Making facebook more fun and more like MySpace, without being horrible clunky shit like MySpace.
2. Wondering why I'm really struggling filling in this MeMe, when at times I've really just found it piss easy to think of what to write. I think I've lost my MeMe-edge. I started doing the one Jemima did, and then killed myself out of bordem of filling it in.
3. I'm wondering how I resurrected myself from the killing of oneself I did at point number two.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Get a spouse?
2. Grow a large fuck off beard.
3. Watch all the star wars films back to back in one day.

Three Things I Can Do:
1. Design, it would seem I can design and am fitting of my degree. I don't adam and eve it.
2. Be Busy and also be lazy!
3. Get by on nervous energy.

Three Things I Can’t Do:
1. Be popular
2. 'Pull'
3. Be Normal.

Three things you should listen to:
1. Scooch's 'We're flying the Flag'
2. Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend'
3. Natasha Bedingfield's 'I wanna have your babies'

That's my top 3 favourite cheesey crappy recet songs playlist. Enjoy! Or Endure.

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:
1. Kiss 100, Ugh!
2. The BBC Local radio stations, going by southern counties radio, they're just dull.
3. You shouldn't listen in on people's conversations on the train, no matter how much your mind wanders. It's just stalkerish.

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:
1. Confidence
2. Assertiveness
3. To know what love is, I want you to show me.

Three Favorite Foods:
1. Chips with salt.
2. Cheesey Chips.
3. Chips with Ketchup.

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1. Thunderbirds.
2. Postman Pat
3. Noel's House Party.

Three Things I Regret:
1. Making no attempt to keep/make friends with people from School.
2. Doing A Level Maths. I just wasn't good at it!
3. Faking my outgoingness a bit too much at times.

Frustrations of a man watching that Joesph show whilst losing scrabble

2007-06-03T11:44:00.000+01:00

Let's break it down now, at one point I thought I could be Joesph, despite the noteable fact that I can't hold a note and have no interest in music theatre. I briefly got swept up in the idea I could support one of them and cheer on that Lee chappy. I think my frustration with Graham Norton being on the telly happened a couple of times, I don't really hate him, I of course like everyone find it like really funny when Graham Norton says something ginger beer. Guffaw Guffaw Guffaw. I of course made the necessary comment about Andrew Lloyd Webber (will they quit raping John Williams by using Star Wars music to somehow make this contest dramatic), and I just tried to raise my spirits by putting down a joke I actually remembered from a couple of nights ago; What happens if you come across a Lion? Wipe it off.

This video clip put's it better my annoyance from Any Dream will do.
Still, Doctor Who was very, very good. Thank fuck!

Vindictive Shit

2007-06-02T12:49:00.000+01:00

Student's aren't the most cleanest of creatures, although I do shower folks! It may take us a few weeks to empty a bin, such as our bathroom bin, which was full of loads and loads of loo rolls. I being the restless sort and the creative sort, started building a tower that stems from the bin one poo ago and have since progressed in continuing the building of this tower. It's going be a welcome present for the next tennats. Except my housemate has now decided to extend the loo roll tower so high it's now taller than me and intimidates me everytime I pee, and stops me from building it any higher.Shame.

And now a public service announcement from That Ginger Bastard

2007-05-29T22:02:00.000+01:00

Hello friends, picture the scene, I was sat down on my bed (well more lying) watching my favourite channel 4 show that broadcasts between the times of 6:30 PM and 7:00 PM. Hollyoaks. Sure it's not very good, horribly written, acted, shot, generally quite horrible, but some of the times it's so horrible it's almost genius! It gives me a good giggles at times. Here I was watching a great scene between Justin (played by an 'actor' with the unfortunate fame of having fountain as his surname) arguing with his new bint (who, whilst quite pleasent on the eyes, acting wise is just quite unpleasent on the eyes) when my TV fucked up. Everything has gone green!Todays warning is that Hollyoaks breaks TVs. R.I.P. TV, we've had a lot of great memories. Now if you don't mind I'm going to have a little cry.

Chapter two of the much anticipated Novella

2007-05-28T12:45:00.000+01:00

Remember when on Friday the 11th of May I premiered chapter one of my muchly highly anticipated Novella to the masses, well Monday the 28th of May (Wank Holiday Monday) will go down in history as the day I premiered chapter two.

Chapter Two: Denial.

They couldn't be ginger, they couldn't be the type of colour pubes that would sear on the retinas of any ladies (or men, he hadn't ruled out a situation where upon he might expose his pubes to another chap, maybe in a locker room) that he may partake in sexual aliteration with. He had decided the only way in which to test if his testes were that orange was to go upto members of the public. Fortunatly he had a master stroke up his sleeve, he would wear an orange boiler suit so if the situation arose that they might be found to be ginger, he would confidently hopefully find that the common consencous would be that at least they weren't orange. Although he was confused if there was that much distinction between orange and ginger that the common British public might recognise.

I'm such a racist!

2007-05-24T23:18:00.000+01:00

Hello blog. Whilst talking to a friend today about their forthcoming holiday to Venice, I'd thought I'd converse about my experience of my day trip there. I could talk about how I was bored by the evening in Venice, how all the shops were really expensive in the square, how we got pointed out which was Elton John's house, how I thought Venice was really beautiful, about how the architecture is really beautiful, about going to McDonalds in Venice, instead...

"It's full of Chinese tourists"
(Smiles all around, me thinking I best clarify myself so it doesn't sound I hate the Chinese, althought I'm not partial to the food)
"We were staying in Verona for a couple of weeks, had a day trip to Venice and I was suprised that there was just loads of Chinese tourist whilst there were none in Verona"

Conversation swiftly changed to talk of Gondolas. I should have talked about them instead.

This is why I should not be allowed to have conversations.

Exams are over, so of course...

2007-05-21T18:58:00.000+01:00

...now is the time to feel under the weather.Look, the hand is feeling under the weather. Perve.

That Mitchell and Webb weekend

2007-05-20T12:40:00.000+01:00

Hello Friends, if you don't like them Mitchell and Webbs comedians, this might not be the most intersting of blog entries for you lucky people. This weekend I have been mostly binging on the Webb and Mitchell, so much so they're probably seared on my retinas.

Well Friday afternoon after my exam I quickly flew away to foggy old London town (although I'm not superman so went by train to London). I'm not really sure what to write of the evening, when Cheryl and Dan have done a good job on hinting but not saying much. It was a warm up night of some of the average unsure about material for the TV series That Mitchell and Webb Look. It was alright, some solid stuff, 'No one pisses in Star Wars' is the only quote I can really remember of the night, which say something of my star wars addiction, although there was a good Numberwang sketch which nicely diverted from the normal. There was a magic table that bizarelley assited Rob and David in the first half (which seemed to be only there for Rob to mime to put a bullclip down either that or it's David's lucky table) and there was their producer Gareth Edwards once again making me go into a giggly state through sheer Richard Madelyisms (if the rumours are true and Judy is wanting to quit TV, Richard could do a lot worse than working with Gareth Edwards). So Yes, it was some solid comedy stuff, and will be most intersting to see how some of them are done on that flashing telly box thing.

Saturday I saw the magicans film with the Cheryl fan person. It was alright, I really can't think of anything bad say about it, it was well cast (nice to see Jessica Stevenson on the screen again) with Rob and David being good in their roles and the 'Oh look it's her/him from Peep Show', the film managed to crack up a bit of tension at the conclusion, it was generally a nice film, but (here's the but) it just wasn't really that funny sadly. Bit Cliched, bit bland, bit of alright, it was just well... fine. In a word, it was well alright.

Just not comparable to Peep Show, talking of that, the series conclusion had made me realise just how dark, bleak and full of self loathing the show can be. It was definetly one of the strongest episodes of the series, of a series that whilst not being as good as the previous three, is definetly funnier than any other show on TV at the moment. What with all the set of Sophie up as a lovely person, it was just painful to watch at times. It ended as nicely as you could want from had transpired, it was funny, you could tell Robert and David were enjoying their parts, it was dark, fucking dark.

And there is my Mitchell and Webb obsessed post, did I mention I like Mitchell and Webb?

Geh! I want to be mothered

2007-05-17T17:21:00.000+01:00

Hello friends, I've just got back from my first exam, and gosh damm it, exams weren't like how they used to be. I want to be mothered. I had to walk to the centre of campus (a good half hour walk) to find where my exam was because they took it down from the uni website saying where they were a few weeks back, and I didn't have the hindsight to look then. Still I had a lovely walk through lovely 'got a fag?' (Yes I do have a gay friend, thanks for asking, but I do not have ownership over him) Reading.

When sat down in the glamarous exam hall (actually glamarous, its a bloody hall, and they've crammed in too many desks, I had to almost climb over the table to get into my chair! I thought I could push the desk slightly forward, but no, that would push into lovely person #1 and I couldn't move the chair back because that would go into lovely person #2), I expected to be told to fill in the front (I'm used to bloody school forcing the number 65217 down my throats again and again, no throat forcing when at uni!), I expect to be told I can have the 10 minutes reading time, I just feel naughty taking a peak at the exam paper when I am actually entitled too. And I want to be told that I can put my pen down at the end of the exam, not to be told to leave quietly. What kind of end is that to an exam?

Needless to say I'm biterly dissapointed with my exam experience, and shall ask the invidulator for a full refund of my exam experience when I sit my last exam tomorrow.