Monday, February 25, 2008

Dilema of the day

If I answer my phone which for some reason happens to ring just after I've come out the shower and my hair is dripping wet, will I some how conduct an electric current by answering the phone, what with my hair being girlishly long and covering my ear in which I use to listen to the person speaking to me on the telephone? Would I fry my golden locks? Would they literally be golden for a few second whilst they were alight, then just be ashes? Isn't electric blue? Wouldn't my hair go all punk then?

Shouldn't I be wondering why the person is calling instead of wondering if I will kill myself through too much electric? Aren't these thoughts further delaying me answering the telephone?

This is why I don't do telephone calls. Now I'm off to do the thing I was phoned about, turns out I didn't electrocute myself, which made my morning!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Because I haven't done this a year

Stolen from someone who wanted me to cheer for them, here's one of those MeMe things I gave up doing, but well, here's one for the fun factor.

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
I have no car, unless you're being dirty and talking about my arse, and I can assure you no cock is inserted in my arse.

When was the last time you threw up?
Last Wednesday at the student's union, pizza somehow didn't mix with the snakebite, lovely. What a nice story, isn't it?

What age will you be next birthday?
Twentington Two.

What's your favourite curse word?
Depends what mood I'm in, cunt just sounds great, but the other day when I was cutting myself* I was saying 'Bodger' as a curse word.

*By cut myself I mean washing up and accidentally cutting myself on the sharp implements, I'm no emu.

Name 3 people who made you smile today.
I started today drunk in a club, so I can't remember who made me smile, but I'm sure they did. I've been a bit too blue this day for many smiles though (post inebriation period) but my friend said last night "I'd never be normal", that is still making me smile.

What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning?
Showering, Shittering and Shavering.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Checking facebook, I gone and got invited to an event on facebook!

Where were you born?
Cockfield, Sussex.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
No, but can we please go for my twentington twoth birthday please! Actually I've just realised I'm not twentington oneth, I have no idea why for a brief minute I thought I was 21, actually I think I told people last week I was 21! Just because alot of my friend's are 21 I seem to think subconsciously I'm already 21! Gah!

What is the last thing you said aloud?
Why do I think I'm 21 when I'm actually 20? Only for me to hear, but still said out loud.

What is the best ice cream flavour?
Strawberry is good, I'll go with that.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Oasis Summer Fruits, the drink that I've now dubbed my dissertation drink, buy a bottle and shit out my dissertation!

What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, pants, socks, and a 'my parents went to Denmark and all I got was this Carlsberg TeeHee shirt' T Shirt.

What was the last thing you ate?
Pasta and meatballs.

Have you bought any new clothes this week?
No, clothes shopping scares me, and only happens under extreme situations. (Like when I get pissed off with holey jeans).

Where were you last?
Other than the house, the library!

What's the last sporting event you watched? Who won?
I don't even know what sport is.

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message while blogging?
The last person who gone and commented on me blog was the mimey of cheer for her fame.

Ever go camping?
No, I'm an awkward penis when it comes to places to sleep.

Where do you live?
A Studen House of moderate maintenance levels.

What song are you listening to?
Sledgehammer by Peter Gabrielle

Do you have a tan?
No, I don't tan, I burn, I am a pasty wasty shite.

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
No, I've never enjoyed using straws (apart from some straw usage in McDonalds type situations, they just make you take even longer to drink the drink!

What did your last text message say?
I can't even be arsed to get off my bed to dictate a message that was sent to me, and whom I should be the only reader of. But I think it's something about my student evening plans for tomorrow.

Who's your best friends?
The housemates are good friends, and the group of friends from the old halls of residence are lovely too, and other people are lovely too. I'm just happy having a lovely group of friends rather than a best friend.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working on my dissertation, food shopping and going to the student union to stamp myself silly with student electoral campaign stamps, might try and get more than four on my face.Me this morning after the night before, oh I am silly.

Where is your mom right now?
Home.

Look to your right, what do you see?
Shit ugly curtains that don't hold in quite enough heat. Cunts.

What colour is your watch?
I don’t have a watch, well I do, but I don't use it since the strap broke, I prefer to use my mobile telephone machine to know the time.

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
The classic simpsons episode Bart Vs. Australia, one of my absolute favourite simpsons episodes!

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Yes several, ones in Thorpe Park, Chessington, Alton Towers, Brighton Pier, Disneyland Paris and somewhere else.

What is your birthstone?
I don't buy into that bollocks to be able to answer your question.

Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through?
Just in. I can't drive, and I don't believe in eating fast food.

What is your favourite number?
Your favourite number, but doubled, divided by 3 and added to pi.

Do you have a dog?
No, I prefer cats, none of that pathetic pandering for attention.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
I have no idea, I receive very few phone calls, but I'm pretty sure they're a lovely person.

Have you met anyone famous?
Yes, I met Julian Barret of the once funny Mighty Boosh in a pub in Oxford, I called him Noel, guffaw, guffaw, guffaw.

Any plans today?
No, the day's pretty much finished, I'm gonna go to bed at reasonable hour because it'll end my crabby mood and I'll maybe watch some Curb Your Enthusiasm, I'm now addicted to the show and have season 3 and 4 on DVD awaiting a watch.

How many states have you lived in?
Counties here mate, and two, Sussex and Berkshire.

Ever go to college?
I went to six form, and I'm at University doing a course I'm doing piss poor at that's just plain making me blue. Aberdeen Aberdie.

Where are you right now?
On my bed, kinky innit.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
COURSEWORK AND MY SHIT MARKS I'M GETTING FOR MY THIRD AND FINAL YEAR AT UNIVERSITY AND HOW MUCH I'LL BE TEARING MY HAIR OVER EASTER HOLIDAYS AND APRIL, AND THE NAGGING DOUBT THAT MAYBE WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE JUST MIGHT NOT BE THE CASE!

I'm happy, thanks for asking... ish.

Are you in love with someone right now?
No, I'd need a relationship, but I loves the family of course.

Are you allergic to anything?
I think I'm allergic to cats, but I'm still not 100% on that.

Favourite pair of shoes?
The trainers I always wear, variety in footwear is for cunts.

Do any of your friends have children?
The only person I can think of is the lovely person who filled this question thing before me.

Do you eat healthy?
Not really, I don't eat unhealthily, I just eat and meh, I'll worry about that when I start putting on weight whenever that happens.

What do you usually do during the day?
UNI WORK THAT I AM SUCKING AT.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Of course, unless I'm being a shut in, but that doesn't happen, I'm pretty sure I make human contact every day to say hellow.

How did you get one of your scars (if you have any)?
From when I let some friends drag across the room in a banterific type way (can't believe Reading Student's Union are saying banterific like it's even a fucking word).

I really enjoyed shitting out those answers, I hope you enjoyed reading them, I love you.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What I've been upto

I'm still in denial and think February has just begun, when of course it hasn't. Fuck. Well this is what I've been upto since I last blogged, bad news I'm afriad, this blog is going to be a weep peice, my face got stuck in the below expression for two weeks.My mum has always wanted me to pull normal expressions in photos, unfortunately I am a rebel, and rebelled against my mother's photo system and continued to pollute photos of me (count the 451 polluted photos of me on social networking phenomena feecesbook) and sadly my face froze for two weeks in the above photo. At the time it was fun, but it quickly became a chore, for a start my speech became incredibly restricted, and couldn't really say words, just mutter everything, which became incredibly annoying when your pub quizzing and you just know that The Former Yuogslavian Republic's David Brent in their version of the golden globe winning triumph The Office is called Midge Ure, but they can't make out what you're saying and they end up writing down 'measure' because they think it could be a name of someone from the former Yugoslavian republic (of Massive Donna) because for some reason they think the name Reg is Latvian for feces and that's justification enough. Fools!

And the women, well let me tell you no longer could I accidentally stare at a pair of lady bollocks, no, I was permanently staring in the ceiling doing a face that can be mistaken for "Phwoar". The amount of slaps I got was ridiculous, but on the plus side it did push back my acne infection. Thanks gals!

No one takes you seriously with my new facial expression, which was hard because I had to inform a friend of mine that their favourite uncle had exploded out of eating too much Haribo and drinking too much Carling at the same time (harling he calls, the harlot), try saying that with my face, it's impossible, particularly as that favourite uncle kept his harling addiciton a secret from his friend's and family. She just giggled herself silly, she probably still thinks that their favourite uncle is around to fulfill a meaningful facebook friend relationship.

So basically life is a bit of a shitter at the moment, my face hasn't gone back to it's usual position, fortunately my mouth has slight shifted half way back to its usual position, but my eyes are still starring up, so I got a friend to put up a mirror on the ceiling and I'm typing the blog staring up. Just as well I can touch type, but I have to proof read!

So please, next time you pull a stupid mug into a camera lens, do me a favour and don't, unless you want your face permanently fixed in the position. Ruining photos should be a crime, just treat every photo like a photo you'd want Grandma to see, please!

Do me a favour and try and have a nice valentines day, there's not been a charity set up for my condition, but I'll get back to you if there is one, go out, have fun and use your facial expressions responsibly, thank you.

Tip: Don't watch Lily Allen and Friend's on BBC3, because that'll force your face to do all manner of disgusted facial expressions.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

I hate it when...

walking abouts, in a building, in a shop, on the streets, somewhere and I happen to be walking along the same planned path as someone walking the other way. We both notice that a collision in our pre-determined walking paths are imminent so shift to the left to avoid each other, but then I feel bad for making them shift to the left on their planned path and shift to the right, but they shift to right because I'm walking to the left, then we shift to the left and right back and forth unsure on the other persons walking path, sometimes I manage to save myself in this kind of loop by shifting extreme left, but sometimes I've just walked into the other person, I once almost crashed into a woman in W H Smiths, it's awful. My neurosis is getting in the way of my everyday walking! I've tried just staying in to avoid walking neurotic crash syndrome, but I just bored. I apologise after the crash, but I don't think I need to say sorry for my illness of walking neurotic crash syndrome. I think I just need to be a large penis and just stick with my walk path regardless of what people are in my way! Life is such a bitch sometimes. Of course I can't be the only person with this illness, at least I hope not, comfort me and tell me I'm not alone!