To make amends for the rapidly declining quality of my blog...

...I'll do a MeMe. They're a classic. And it's Monday as well, and I love my sheepish instincts, so here's the one what Dan made up. Because he has godly influence and all.

What have you done for me lately?
And whom may I ask is speaking to me? Is it my subconscious, well let's go with that. Well not really alot, I worked on Sunday, that was earning something for you, happy? I've showered, shitted and shaved when necessary, is that good enough? I've eaten. I should be pleasing you subconscious, admitedly I've not done anything anything exciting lately subconscious, but that might happen soon.

What time is love?
Whats love, whats love gotta to do with it? Can I answer a question with another question.

I'm a bit unexperienced with the old love lark, so I can't protest as to tell you which time it is, is it on GMT? BST? Or some mystical Z time I learnt about the other week. Z time rocks!

Do you know the way to san jose?
I looked on Google maps, I found there was a place called the winchester mystery house, and now I'm intersted as to what a mystery house, should I not ask? It's a mystery after all.

Is this desire?
A desire to find out what the winchester mystery house is? Maybe, although I'd prefer to keep it a mystery, I'm sure it's awfully exciting. But if I knew, I might just be dissapointed, or have a strong desire to actually go to San Jose, then I would need to know the way. What a dilema!

Do you remember the first time?
First time I blogged? Oh yeah I didn't know what I was doing, and still don't.

Would I lie to you?
Would my subconscious lie to me? No, it would me be lieing to my subconscious.

Is there life on mars?
I dunno, does my subconscious want to vist mars, is this an example of me lieing to myself not wanting to know if there is infact life on mars. Or are we talking about bacteria on a mars bar? Cos there will be germs on them, particularly if say you've dropped one down your pants.

When will I be famous?
Damm you subconscious, you don't want to be famous, you want to be infamous.

Where is my mind?
Up the apple and stairs.

What's going on?
Well today I went out for a family meal, except the car broke down about the outskirts of the village, we had to call the RAC, fortunatly we stopped at a pub, I played the deal or no deal quiz machine, anyway about two hours later we were all sorted and had our family meal, finished at five, screwed up my eating patterns for the evening, I've had a fruit corner. So that is, what's going on. Comprende?

Do ya think I'm sexy?
Right Said Fred went to my school, they met at my secondary school, not whilst I was there obviously, I'd be the third member of right said fred if they were at my school, because they'd obviously want me. Because whilst I don't think I'm sexy, I could fake the arogance to think I was sexy.

What difference does it make?
Does what make? Me being in Right Said Fred, well for one thing, we'd certainly not insist on releasing the single every two years, and we'd turn down that Daz ad, and try and appear in Ricky Gervais hit sitcom Extras, because whilst initially it was amusing when celebrities played themselves in the show, it became really tiresome, and with a Right Said Fred cameo we'd ensure the show became even more tired. What I mean to say is that I'm looking forward to the christmas special of extras.

Will you still love me tomorrow?
I dunno, you're pandering for attention with a blog title like that today. Bit pathetic isn'it?

What's my name again?
Optimus Prime.

Why do fools fall in love?
I don't know, because I'm a fool, I want to fall in love, but then who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him.

What's the frequency Kenneth?
Kiss 100 I believe is a big fan of Kenneth Branaghs Shakespeare adaptations.

Can I kick it?
I don't know, subconsciously I might be capeable of kicking a football, but the neurosis gets in the way. Actually I might be good at sports if I was pure subconscious.

Where did our love go?
Up the apples and pears.

What have I done to deserve this?
I don't know, you put the address into your browser, you've unleashed this sprawling tripe responses to some open ended questions.

So why so sad?
Because I'm bored.

Who let the dogs out?
It was them Baha Men. Happiest day of my life was when I saw them live. What a treat.

Transformers!

Before I start, I should warn that I may got slightly spoilerish, although saying that the story of the film isn't that important, not the end of the world if that's ruined.

Anyway onto my attempt at a review, I hate Michael Bay films, Pearl Harbour, Insulting, Armageddon, Insulting, Bad Boys 2, Insulting, The Rock, well okay that one is okay and I suppose so was the Island, for the first 45 minutes at least. So onto Transformers directed by Michael Bay, I liked it. It was a decent comedy film for the first two thirds of it, some brilliant slapstick in a scene around the lead's house, a masturbation gag (there needs to be more wanking gags in hollywood films, I demand it, if the Bourne Ultimatum doesn't have an ownerism related gag, consdier me dissapointed) although I felt sorry for the parent behind me when his young son asking "whats masturbation?", generally a pretty funny film for 2/3rd of it, well it had to be for such a ridiculous premise. It'll probably turn out to be funnier than the Simpsons movie which I'm scared of seeing because I really really really don't want it to be shite like recent seasons of the show have been.

Back to them robots in disguise, Shia LaBeouf as lead, pretty good actor, nails the part, I look forward to seeing him in the new Indiana Jones film, Megan Fox the female lead? cor look at that cleavage. The last third of the film was completely crash, bang, wallop what a hollywood film. It got too silly in the end. And ending the film with the two leads kissing ontop of a transformer in his lovely car form? Was this a transformer threesome? Then to show the other transformers watching? Was the film going to end with a transformer orgy? The questions! "Dad what's an orgy?" I want an X Rated version.

Transformers excited me enough for me to buy my own little toy from Woolies before hand. Look it's a scene from a potential new movie from Hasbro, Brokeback Plastic.I made a Brokeback Mountain gag, I am so topical at times. Well I attempt at gags.

Timberland hates you

See the man above in the photo, he hates you because you don't know who Charles Booth is. Who you may ask? Exactly, this is why Timberland the man in the photo is perfectly valid to hate you. Charles Booth devised, organised, and funded one of the most comprehensive and scientific social surveys of London life that had then been undertaken. Timerland appreciates this, do you? Well Timberland hopes you appreciate it by paying homage to Charles Booth's Inquiry into the life and labour of the people in London in his video to the hit song 'Give it to me' featuring himself Timberland, a man who has a surname similar to his Justin Timberlake and someone called Nelly Furtado. She's Pretty.

Quick history lesson, Booth's inquiry consisted of a map of London where Charles Booth and his homeboys would go around London producing a map where each street is coloured to indicate the income and social class of its inhabitants. There was seven classifications in all, sadly Timberland only has three people to use in his video for 'Give it to me', but he makes a wonderful attempt to homage the work of Charles Booth in his music video. Sure we could look at the work of S Club 7 with their similar Booth tribute, but we're focusing on Timberland for the time being.Timberland is playing 3 classifications of people in this video, shown through different facial expressions, the 3 groups are Lowest class. Vicious, semi-criminal, Very poor, casual. Chronic want and Poor. 18s. to 21s. a week for a moderate family. In the photo at the top of the blog he is playing the Lowest class, just look at that expression, he's a criminal! in this photo he is playing Very poor, grinning and bearing it. Give the man an oscar. The locale picked also emphasises this poverty, a grotty shitty caravan. Sure caravans weren't around in 1886, but Timberland is giving history a spin that the younger generation can appreciate. Timberland is also dressing as a right old scruff, and the camera man has shot some god awful footage of Timberland in the caravan just to emphasise those differences in income and social class.Here's Justin Timberlake playing two different types of classification, Fairly comfortable. Good ordinary earnings as illustrated in the above photo with him nicely dressed and some competantly shot footage of a concert and Mixed. Some comfortable others poor shown in the below photo.Justin shows Mixed, some comfortable and other poor well singing in Timberland's Povery caravan! Afterall, whilst some were comfortable, let's not forget others were poor as well.Here is Nelly Furtado, playing the classifications Middle class. Well-to-do. and Upper-middle and Upper classes. Wealthy. She's dressed well, shot in a nice pretty filmic stylee, I don't know what you'd call it, I'm a pop historian, not a film historian, she's all on her own, she doesn't care for the poor as shown below.Nelly is covering her eyes of the povery around her, what a bitch. Care! Would it hurt? Shortly after Booth's inquiry, it was called upon the British Government to do something for the poor, they couldn't cover their eyes for long!

So there you go, I hope Timberland is proud of me, showing that I care about the work of Charles Booth and hopefully you do too as well. Show my homeboy Charles Booth some love by visiting his fan site. Go on, tell them Timberland sent you.

Baby Names

Wonderful news, Jordan and Peter Andre have named their third sprog, Princess Tiaamii. Tiaamii I hear you ask, well Peter of Peter Andre fame explains this nonsense word:

Andre came up with the middle name by combining his mother's name, Thea, with that of Jordan's mother, Amy.

"We've put an accent over the first A to make it more exotic and two Is at the end just to make it look a bit different,"

I'm going to use the Andre Formula for my baby's name, now I was thinking of calling my child after two of my favourite swear words, but my child can't have two names, so using the formula my son or daughter (thankfully it doesn't seem gender specific) is going to be called Shïtwankk.

Unless anyone is going to tell me that it's clearly a girls name.

It's just as well I amuse myself

Whilst getting changed today out of work clothes I sang myself a little song, based on the frosties ad where some annoying shit sings "they're going taste great" I sang "I'm gonna get changed". This amused me far too much than it should have done. If you don't know of the frosties advert I talk of (don't pretend silly billys!) then this youtube clip might help.

Furry little stalker

Look who I'm sleeping with...I'm not into beastiality, he's sleeping with me.

Going away to University, and coming back has made me allergic to that cat. Sneeze Ahoy! Today he's just stalked me, he either loves me, or knows of my woes. At seven in the morning, a completely unreasonable hour for students, he's meowing outside my door. At ten when it pissed and shat it down outside today, he comes into my room and meows moaning about it. He's been sleeping on my bed all day, adjusting his positions to take into consideration any positions I may have on the bed, I sit up, he sleeps near me, I decide to lie down instead, he moves a minute later. Sitting down in the living room, he runs to my lap, I put him on my mum's lap, fifthteen minutes later he's back on my lap. He's just bothering to get a reaction out of me. Although sneezing loudly got rid of him off my bed.

Well there you go blog, another woe like my tie woe yesterday that could be easily resolved with one simple solution, make the sure the cat doesn't bother me, leave the room door shut, but I loves the attention. Woe is me.

I'll learn when I'm ready

I'm nearly twentyteen, and I don't know how to tie a tie. I went to a school where I dressed as a smurf (not literally, but you can pretend literally if you want), I didn't have to wear a tie for school. I've been to a couple of weddings, parents tied tie for me then, recent formal events, I've gone to friends in a 'I don't know how' state. Fortunatly my Dad tied a tie for me, so I'll have a ready made tie for work tomorrow. How I'll cope with doing a tie next for work when the parents are away next week I don't know. Maybe I need this site. Thank you for listening to my woes. Now feel free to laugh at me or give me lashings of sympathy.

Jay Z, the prophet.

Confession time folks, I went a bit crazy last night after reading that Rihanna's hit song about Umbrellas had been number one for nine weeks. NINE WEEKS. I think it's rubbish, but so rubbish it's ruddy grown on me. It's only after my thirty third listen to it this morning that I've realised that rapper Jay Z's rapping is profound, intelligent, thought provoking and tells you more than you might think upon first listen.

Ahuh Ahuh (Yea Rihanna)
Ahuh Ahuh (Good girl gone bad)
Ahuh Ahuh (Take three... Action)
Ahuh Ahuh

Nice start Mr. Jay Z, a bit of Ahuh Ahuh sounds, a quick name check of the artist ensuring the record buying public know who download illegally. Good girl gone bad? Persoanlly I'm shocked, Why has Rihanna gone bad, if she's a good girl, always returning her library books on time, why would she go bad, would it be perhaps Rihanna found a corrupting book in one of her unfortunate god forsaken library trips and decided to raise two fingers to the library system with their dictation of when to return books, and she will infact return books when she wants to. I'm glad the character of the narrator in the form of Jay Z states this, otherwise it would seem Rihanna is proud of the fact she rebels against the the library system. For fuck sake Rihanna the library system is in place to ensure you don't hog the books. Bitch. And as for take three, Rihanna, take as many books as you think you can read in the three week period, not three everytime.

No clouds in my storms
Let it rain

Nice to know Jay Z is concerned for us southerners in Engerland, I'm fed up of the rappers that influx these shores being obsessed with northen issues such as 50 cent's candy shop, and that Jay Z is covering real issues. Although he maybe a year late, we've had shit loads of rain down south mate, last year was shit for lack of rain, but thanks for implying you care about us southern counties record buyers.

I hydroplane into fame (Eh eh)

I don't personally know what a hydroplane is, but wikki tells me it is a very specific type of motorboat used exclusively for racing and infact one of the unique things about these boats is that they only use the water they're on for propulsion and steering. So Jay Z has invested money into hydroplanes and this is how he has gained his fame. Bit of a shallow boast, because I've never heard of hydroplanes, I've heard of his fame, it's a shame he has tarnished his sucessful hydroplane career by doing some nonsense singing career, silly boy.Cor Hydroplanes look cool, or look like Thunderbird 4. Or are thunderbird 4? Quick Jay, get the rights to make a real life thunderbird 4, at once!

Come'n down with the Dow Jones

Another reference to his finanicial sucess from hydroplanes. It's just subliminal advertising for his hydroplane business. Very subtle. He's obviously breaking the news that he expects to float this hydroplane business on the stock exchange. Get in early guys!

When the clouds come we gone
We Rocafella (Eh eh)

Subliminal advertising for the american version of Little Britain there, by the time it's shown in america, thanks to the song everyone will already know the catchphrase Eh Eh Eh. I hear Jay Z likes it when the women vomit. He hasn't got that sophisticated sense of humour, sadly. I'm going to choose to ignore the rocafella telling the listener to rock or 'stone' a fella. It's just mean Jay!

She fly higher than weather
And she rocks it better

Quite a claim, I doubt Rihanna can fly higher than clouds. I doubt she can evil fly, unless you are talking of planes. Or maybe Jay Z's hydroplanes? And I sincerly doubt she rocks louder than thunder.

You know me
An anticipation for precipitation

Jay Z boasting about his degree in Meterology he gained from the University of Reading. But what he won't say is that he only just scraped a third.

stacks chips for the rainy day (Eh eh)

Chips? In Rain, you must be jocking right, fried potato will just go soggy. Silly Billy.

Jay, rain man is back with lil Ms. Sunshine

Jay Z name checking two of his favourite movies, both I gather are supposed to be quite good, I might get round to watching them at some point.

Rihanna where you at?

Well if you quit spouting your subliminal advertising for hydroplanes and american versions of little britain, and validating Rihanna's library rebellion ideas, perhaps she might start singing. Cock.Rihanna and Jay Z's Umbrella is available to buy if you want to ensure it's number one for a tenth week. I know I want it number one for a tenth week. Do you?

My bestestest Friend

I got a message from a delightful fella called James on the MySpace. So delightful, so full of friendlyness I wanted to share with you. Here goes:

How’s things in Wiltshire? (Witlshire, I dunno where you got the idea I was from Wiltshire from, infact I don't really know where it is. I did say I was from Wiltshire once when I phoned into one of those DAB music radio station with the same bland playlist (Can you play Shakira?), I was Wayne Carr and I wanted the sweet escape by When Steffani, they didn't play my message, just my tune)
Your profile looks really good, my boss also said she likes your pictures! (Why have you been showing your boss my pictures? Bit sneaky isn't it. Spying on me like this. I'm hurt).

I’m a talent scout for one if the UK’s leading talent and modelling agencies and basically my boss has sent me on here to try and find some extras for filming pieces coming up in Dorset and also other modelling jobs. We have got quite a lot of part-time Modelling work coming up and not enough models in the area. (But I don't want to go down to Dorset for some modelling work, admitedly I'm going to Dorset next month, but you my friend James don't know that, besides it would seem I have a job lined up already, but I'm not mentioning that on my blog).

Its basically earning money for standing around looking good, and you don’t need any experience – everyone is friendly, the payment is roughly £180 - £225 per day for being an extra for the filming– and we need about 200 people. (But I don't like standing, my legs have been designed so I find it hard to stand around, I can walk around quite happily, but stand around like you've proposed just sounds like hard work. Besides the standing around looking good, I've never tried to do that, teach me to look good, and teach me to stand, you're in for a logistical nightmare James to teach me two things at once! Gah! If I wasn't good looking enough to be picked to sit in the front seats for the filming of the David Mitchell/Johnny Vaughan panel show Best of Worst, what makes you think I'm good enough for you!).

I’ve just been looking at your pictures and you look good, just wondering if you have ever thought about part-time modelling? (No, not ever, I still don't believe most of my acne has cleared up and I've just had a haircut which I don't really like, fringe is cut too short, gah it's a nightmare James mate, as a vain shit, you must feel my pain).

Let me know ASAP (You want a sap of myself, sure you can get sap of tress, but not off people James, you're not too bright are you mate? Unless by sap you mean semen, then quite frankly I'm not into that kind of stuff)

James – sorry if this sounds a bit random!!!! (Random, you're telling me. But thanks all the same, you made me consider for 10 seconds to look into modelling, and you offended me with your obscene number of exclamation marks used. How horrific).

On evidence of this message I think I'll stick with Facebok.

Mittwoch MeMe Time

Aliteration is fun, sadly I'm doing this MeMe from the NewPlanet on wednesday, but German helps me to aliterate, so here is my Mittwoch MeMe.

In general, how are you feeling on this Mittwoch?
I'm alright thanks for asking, wasn't too bad a day, watched This Morning in frustration that the stand I co-designed for the Royal Society didn't appear (apparently they recorded an interview there). Tried a bit of a job search, went to a friend's house. Now just chilling. I'm feeling okay. Thank You. How are you?

First person you spoke to today?
The man on the phone (unless you include the cat) who told me because I was living in a less scummy part of Reading next year, I saved fifthteen pounds on my insurance. Wahey!

First song you listened to today?
Some song they performed on This Morning. This scottish lady who had the charming story of buying a CD with a tenner her granny gave her, and how it inspired her to be a singer. She was quite good. Don't ask for any further details, I can't remember. I think I fancied her. She certainy didn't hurt my retinas.

What clothes are you wearing today? - Full details please!
Full? Oh dear oh dear. Well I'm wearing some Wanted Beer socks, some jeans that fit a bit tight, taut buttocks, green T-Shirt of some description, and some sperm killing Y Fronts, Blue. Excited? I bet you are. Aroused? Don't tell me.

What kind of 'hair day' are you having?
The type of hair day where I've showered and washed my golden locks in the morning, one of those.

What is the weather like today?
Bit Meh, though the sun has been out.

Highlight of today so far?
I dunno, watching 300? Was quite good, tits and violence, what a film, just not quite entirely sure there was much of a story.

Lowlight of today so far?
Watching This Morning.

Highlight of the past weekend?
I dunno, pretty uneventful weekend really, catch me at a time when my life is a bit more eventful would you, though the house party I went at the weekend was alright, nice to see some friends again and pretend that term hasn't ended. It has. Bugger.

Lowlight of the past weekend?
Packing to go home? Live Earth? What was the point of that. Most of the stars didn't have much of a clue, Akon said at one point "Support Global Warming" Moron. Oh I could rant and rant about Live Earth, but what's the point? No one watched it! Although I did.

Amount of money spent over the past weekend with details of expenditure!
If you really want to know, here goes:
£2.75 for 4 cans of strongbow
£2.00 Chippy!
£3.00 Chippy!
£0.89 Cherry Coke!

The fact I remember that means I could potentially budget, but I'm too lazy and in denial.

A photo taken this weekend!
Ummm... Probably the ones that are on my blog already. Not seen any houseparty photos of me just yet, will wait for those to appear on facebook as I am a camera whore.

What are you most looking forward to this week?
My week is shaping up to being quite uneventful, so I don't really no.

Thing you are least looking forward to this week?
Looking for some summer work.

Hey, what's happening dudes

Well I aint blogged since the 29th of June, so no doubt you're after some kind of explanation, after all, as all mathematicans can tell you that is a 92 day long gap. Well Mathematicans and non-mathematicans I've been moooooving! From one student house to another, and spending time at new student house for a week to make sure everything is all gravy. It's not all quite gravy, the freezer door is quite keen of falling of the hinges, and my bed has a good old dent in it, but other than that, it's all good my friends, I'm back home in West Side Sussex, maxing out the bandwith on the parents intertune connection, but now I want to take a moment of your time (if you want, it's optional) to show you some photo arousements of my last week of house moving. Don't worry, there's only four photos.Look it's my new room, bit smaller than last time, and left with a slightly girly touch to it (it had pink curtains and the smell of popery, but my man stench soon got rid of that, though I still love the pink curtains). The room looked a bit dire with white walls, but some good typographically spaced posters and it looks alright.Look, after only four days of living in our new student house we already aquired a trolley. Well it was a hand-me-down from a friend who was moving out of the student area. And they are good snack holders at parties.The living room with it's white walls was just looking depressing, so I moved over my art gallery from my old student house, and some hot shot (me) commissioned a frustrated artist (me) to draw a new picture, one of the new student living room. Enjoy, and maybe the gallery will grow and grow and I'll get my own art gallery. One can only hope.But my week ended, and I decided I was bit bored of being in Reading without Interweb, so I came home. On the train, with a suitcase full of crap. My suitcase fucking broke, the handle snapped off half way during my half an hour walk to the train station. Rain started falling two thirds into my walk to the station. Bin men started talking to me at about the same point. "Are you going on holiday" "No, going home from uni" "You've quit uni?" "No, term has ended" A charming conversation transcribed for you.

Going through Clapham Junction (which is claimed to be the busiest railway station in Britain, and even in Europe according to Wikkipedia) from platform 4 to platform 13 wasn't fun lugging the suitcase. It frustrated me, and made me think next time, I should get the bus to the station, and not stuff the suitcase with so much crap, and not break the suitcase. Still I left a nice present for someone on their front garden, a broken handle, fucking annoying that the bin men were compost binmen. Although I'm convinced that Earley is the friendly part of Reading, whilst Clapham is one of the unfriendly parts of London. The photo above is of my broken handle on the train if you're interested. Wish I took a photo of my suitcase handle dumped on someone's lawn, but I didn't want to miss my train.

Was that worth a seven hundred and twenty seven day gap in blog posts? Probably not.