Tuesday, May 29, 2007

And now a public service announcement from That Ginger Bastard

Hello friends, picture the scene, I was sat down on my bed (well more lying) watching my favourite channel 4 show that broadcasts between the times of 6:30 PM and 7:00 PM. Hollyoaks. Sure it's not very good, horribly written, acted, shot, generally quite horrible, but some of the times it's so horrible it's almost genius! It gives me a good giggles at times. Here I was watching a great scene between Justin (played by an 'actor' with the unfortunate fame of having fountain as his surname) arguing with his new bint (who, whilst quite pleasent on the eyes, acting wise is just quite unpleasent on the eyes) when my TV fucked up. Everything has gone green!Todays warning is that Hollyoaks breaks TVs. R.I.P. TV, we've had a lot of great memories. Now if you don't mind I'm going to have a little cry.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Chapter two of the much anticipated Novella

Remember when on Friday the 11th of May I premiered chapter one of my muchly highly anticipated Novella to the masses, well Monday the 28th of May (Wank Holiday Monday) will go down in history as the day I premiered chapter two.

Chapter Two: Denial.

They couldn't be ginger, they couldn't be the type of colour pubes that would sear on the retinas of any ladies (or men, he hadn't ruled out a situation where upon he might expose his pubes to another chap, maybe in a locker room) that he may partake in sexual aliteration with. He had decided the only way in which to test if his testes were that orange was to go upto members of the public. Fortunatly he had a master stroke up his sleeve, he would wear an orange boiler suit so if the situation arose that they might be found to be ginger, he would confidently hopefully find that the common consencous would be that at least they weren't orange. Although he was confused if there was that much distinction between orange and ginger that the common British public might recognise.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I'm such a racist!

Hello blog. Whilst talking to a friend today about their forthcoming holiday to Venice, I'd thought I'd converse about my experience of my day trip there. I could talk about how I was bored by the evening in Venice, how all the shops were really expensive in the square, how we got pointed out which was Elton John's house, how I thought Venice was really beautiful, about how the architecture is really beautiful, about going to McDonalds in Venice, instead...

"It's full of Chinese tourists"
(Smiles all around, me thinking I best clarify myself so it doesn't sound I hate the Chinese, althought I'm not partial to the food)
"We were staying in Verona for a couple of weeks, had a day trip to Venice and I was suprised that there was just loads of Chinese tourist whilst there were none in Verona"

Conversation swiftly changed to talk of Gondolas. I should have talked about them instead.

This is why I should not be allowed to have conversations.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Exams are over, so of course...

...now is the time to feel under the weather.Look, the hand is feeling under the weather. Perve.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

That Mitchell and Webb weekend

Hello Friends, if you don't like them Mitchell and Webbs comedians, this might not be the most intersting of blog entries for you lucky people. This weekend I have been mostly binging on the Webb and Mitchell, so much so they're probably seared on my retinas.

Well Friday afternoon after my exam I quickly flew away to foggy old London town (although I'm not superman so went by train to London). I'm not really sure what to write of the evening, when Cheryl and Dan have done a good job on hinting but not saying much. It was a warm up night of some of the average unsure about material for the TV series That Mitchell and Webb Look. It was alright, some solid stuff, 'No one pisses in Star Wars' is the only quote I can really remember of the night, which say something of my star wars addiction, although there was a good Numberwang sketch which nicely diverted from the normal. There was a magic table that bizarelley assited Rob and David in the first half (which seemed to be only there for Rob to mime to put a bullclip down either that or it's David's lucky table) and there was their producer Gareth Edwards once again making me go into a giggly state through sheer Richard Madelyisms (if the rumours are true and Judy is wanting to quit TV, Richard could do a lot worse than working with Gareth Edwards). So Yes, it was some solid comedy stuff, and will be most intersting to see how some of them are done on that flashing telly box thing.

Saturday I saw the magicans film with the Cheryl fan person. It was alright, I really can't think of anything bad say about it, it was well cast (nice to see Jessica Stevenson on the screen again) with Rob and David being good in their roles and the 'Oh look it's her/him from Peep Show', the film managed to crack up a bit of tension at the conclusion, it was generally a nice film, but (here's the but) it just wasn't really that funny sadly. Bit Cliched, bit bland, bit of alright, it was just well... fine. In a word, it was well alright.

Just not comparable to Peep Show, talking of that, the series conclusion had made me realise just how dark, bleak and full of self loathing the show can be. It was definetly one of the strongest episodes of the series, of a series that whilst not being as good as the previous three, is definetly funnier than any other show on TV at the moment. What with all the set of Sophie up as a lovely person, it was just painful to watch at times. It ended as nicely as you could want from had transpired, it was funny, you could tell Robert and David were enjoying their parts, it was dark, fucking dark.

And there is my Mitchell and Webb obsessed post, did I mention I like Mitchell and Webb?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Geh! I want to be mothered

Hello friends, I've just got back from my first exam, and gosh damm it, exams weren't like how they used to be. I want to be mothered. I had to walk to the centre of campus (a good half hour walk) to find where my exam was because they took it down from the uni website saying where they were a few weeks back, and I didn't have the hindsight to look then. Still I had a lovely walk through lovely 'got a fag?' (Yes I do have a gay friend, thanks for asking, but I do not have ownership over him) Reading.

When sat down in the glamarous exam hall (actually glamarous, its a bloody hall, and they've crammed in too many desks, I had to almost climb over the table to get into my chair! I thought I could push the desk slightly forward, but no, that would push into lovely person #1 and I couldn't move the chair back because that would go into lovely person #2), I expected to be told to fill in the front (I'm used to bloody school forcing the number 65217 down my throats again and again, no throat forcing when at uni!), I expect to be told I can have the 10 minutes reading time, I just feel naughty taking a peak at the exam paper when I am actually entitled too. And I want to be told that I can put my pen down at the end of the exam, not to be told to leave quietly. What kind of end is that to an exam?

Needless to say I'm biterly dissapointed with my exam experience, and shall ask the invidulator for a full refund of my exam experience when I sit my last exam tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Ctrl C and V in da house

The MeMe Dan did yesterday was awful, this one I did on facebook last night was better, I can't be arsed to do an original blog post today, so I'm just gonna copy and paste what I wrote at about 0:33 in the morning. Enjoy!

1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus wouldn't make a student pay, we'd both do a runner.

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt a new name..what would it be?
Whitewash has always struck as a good man's name, so it would definetly be Whitewash for my firstname, as for surname, probably something cool like Kenobi.

Whitewash Kenobi. I like it.

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently?
I dunno, they're all great and not great in equal bunches, I can't pick a favourite, or not favourite. I'm very niave of america's existance.

4. You wake up as the opposite gender. What's the one thing you wanna do?

Go into a man's toilets and try and piss in an urinal.

5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
If I was younger I'd go with Luke, but I wanna choose Han. Although he become a bit of a pansy by return of the Jedi.

"Can't I be Han?" Mike
"Nooooo" Tim

Spaced quote inserted for whoever care's pleasure.

6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A real tracy Island, one that had buttons that talked and wasn't one made by my Dad from blue peter. Of course I wasn't an arrogant shite and told my Dad I'd prefer a real one. Would hurt his feelings.

7. If you were this question, what would you ask?

Why have you wasted a day in crucial exam week doing very little revision?

8.The last time you laughed until your stomach hurt:
Might of been a Mitchell and Webb sketch I saw being recorded last month, probably the one which said the staff of Tk Maxx were robots.

9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Spiderman 3, Scared me how much of a fuck up it was as a film.

10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?

I don't know, this sort of implies I've said intelligent things out loud, which is a bald face lie.

11. You're sentenced to death and it’s the morning of your execution: what do you want to eat?
Myself, if I'm going to be executed, I might as well have a taste of me, waste not, want not and all.

12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?

Had a sensible conversation?

13. Before you die you want to go to...?

A hospital ideally, to see if they can stop me dying, would be a shame for me to die before I reach my goal of hosting ITV1's Quiz Call.

14. What’s the last thing you ate?
A Mars bar.

15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
Elephant. We'd sleep together, he'd shove his trunk up my arse.

16. A drug you'll never try?
Any. The drugs don't work said my friend who bizzarely refered to himself as the verve.

17. If you were an animal, what would you be?
A piegon, so I can leave excrement everywhere.

18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12, who would it have been?
Han Solo.

19. What's something a lot of people don't know about you?
I'm actually straight.

20. First celebrity crush?

Noel Edmunds.

21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?

Fuck knows. I don't understand the question and am sleepy. I'm gonna go with crossbow.

22. Best flavor of runts?
Branston Pickle.

23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)
Toast. A toast, to toast!

24. Favorite movie?
Other than Star Wars, I'd say 24 Hour Party People.

25. Worst way to die?

Being shot in the arse.

26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?

The marks on my arse from Dan (Not the Project76 heart throb folks!) shooting me with his BB Gun.

27. The worst health thing you've ever had?

Being born?

28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?

That it means american shows will do specials about them, and I'll be completly confused.

29. Sport you hate the most?
All.

30. What state in the US do you want to visit?
The one George Lucas' Porn Dungeon is at. San Francisco. Is that California?

31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?

Star Wars.

32. Favorite Actor/Actress?

Steve Coogan. I feel the need to see everything on the man's C.V., no matter how debatable they are in quality.

33. What's one phrase you absolutely detest?
What can you get a wookie for christmas when he already owns a comb?

34. What makes an awesome party?
Low expectations, the parties I've enjoyed the most are the ones I've had the lowest expectations for.

35. What's your favorite material posession?
My Stapler, always there when I want to staple my foot.

36. What's something that most consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?

Ginger.

37. Favorite kind of dog(s)?

I prefer cats, because I'm woosy like that.

38. Favorite carnival food?

What is carnival?

39. Morning or night person?
Afternoon.

41. Weirdest Ebay purchase?

I've made boring purchases off ebay, just paying rip off prices for Steve Coogan posters. 24 Hour Party People poster set me back over 8 quid.

I still want to buy the Spaced soundtrack off there, but refuse to pay over £15 for it, most people on there pay over. Wankers.

43. Its Saturday at 3am. Where are you?
Probably in bed, I am lame and mostly go to bed before 2 AM.

44. Who's your favorite friend/friends to go out with?
Everyone's lovely and I'd very much like to get out more.

45. Worst job you've ever had?
Oh.

That job at the chav rag shit of a store, who fired me because I blogged about how much I hated working at the place.

Obviously there.

46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?

Where to begin?

Hair colour, degree, my general existence.

47. Favorite cereal?

Shreddies.

Monday, May 14, 2007

This afternoon I have been mostly revising,

And by revising I mean taking part in a house BB gun knocking cans over competition, which came after the posing with the BB guns, and after the shoot the ginge in the arse competition had ended (admitedly I agreed to being shot in the arse, but that's not the point, not that I know what point I'm making). What a wasted afternoon.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Eurovision

Oh.

At least I got drunk and had a laugh with some friends, which I suppose is what one is supposed to do with the populary song contest which on seems to exist to provide some validity to newly established european countries. I've not wanted to be cynical about this so called political voting, but you've driven me to it Europe! Surely Blighty desereved some more love than just from Malta and Ireland!

I'm not quite so sure why I'd hyped myself stupid about Scooch. It was a stupid camp mess of a song, but was something we could all laugh at! I'm glad I resisted my temporary moment of madness yesterday by briefly considering buying Scooch's first album from woolies for £3.97, or buying the DVD single complete with featurette on how to do the dance moves. But I am proud of the procastination that left me and my housemates in a stupidly hyped up state about eurovision. Tossing an orange in some kind of sadistic water bomb type game, whilst refusing to go back to revision (or in my case, start) until Scooch's music vidoe appears on one of those crummy music video channels. We lasted an hour.

What to say of the show, there was some good giggles, the bizzare Ukraine entry was a favourite, I was going to vote for them, but I got persuaded not to because we had convinced ourselves after a stupidly fun performance from the Scooch, that they were serious competition to us. I voted for Sweden instead, quite psycodelic. I should have voted for Former Yuogoslvian Republic of Macedonia, just to hear Terry thanking me for voting for the Former Yuogoslavian Republic of Macedonia. God I love typing the Former Yuogslavian Republic of Macedonia. The presenters dissapointed me, the lady only changed outfits three times! I guessed eight, what an outrage. Why the Barbie of a presenter didn't interview our Scooch despite being sat with them at one point infuritated me! Gah! And why didn't Russia's act strip, they seemed to offer every indicating that they were going to!

As for the winner? Who? We were too busy working out if she was a man or woman to pay any attention as to weather she stood a chance of winning. Most of the songs seemed to resemble other stuff, we had a bit of Shakira, Shakira, Ray of Light, a bit of westlife. But I'm missing the point of eurovision nowadays, it's about moaning of political voting. Geh, bloody political voting.

Oh well, it's a bit of fun.

Friday, May 11, 2007

The weights on my shoulders are on hold from 8 to 11pm tomorrow...

Because...Scooch are going to win euorvision, I'm so confident that they'll win, I'll post a photo of my genitalls on my blog if they don't, ginger pubes and all*.Talking of ginger pubes, here is the beginning paragraph to my novella titled ginger pubes.

Chapeter One. Realisation.

He undid his flies, his pubic hair creating almost a lightbulb on the urinal. He was suprised just how ginger his pubes were, usually he peed in toilets with blue lighting to stop him injecting himself silly with heroin. They never looked that ginger in that light, but now he was in a McDonalds toilet, he could appreciate his ginger pubes for the magnificent shade they were, and inject himself with heroin as well, which was a bonus.

*Not legally binding, I'm not a complete loon!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Procastination Art continues...

Hello there art lovers, today I present some more procastination art for your viewing pleasure, witness below what I, the ginger bastard, have created with masking tape, a crummy mousemate nicked from fresher's week, and a permanent marker.Of course what I was meaning to say with this peice of procastination art, is that the internet secludes the smilling man into a framework of villany. Obviously.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Geh?

Last night I got a text confirming our family holiday plans for August, we're going to Portugal (Same time zone as the UK, no changing watches, wahey! Not that it's much of a chore really). What did I say in a reply to my mum (other than telling her I'd been revising all afternoon, although predictive text annoys me, it thinks I want to tell my mum I've been retiring recently) "Portugal sounds cool" One minute later on MSN I get my sister saying "Bro, you do know that Portugal's hot?"

I do know that Portugal is hot, but I didn't want to text well wicked to my mum, in hindsight I should have texted good, so I didn't sound totally geographically impaired.

Portugal of course has a Mediterranean climate, which I like well know now, thanks to Wikkipedia.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

From the margins of the notes #1

A new regular feature (well an attempt at least, when I try regular features on my blog, I never remember to continue from my first post) on my blog today, I'm currently in the time period of should be revising and looking at my notes. Problem being sometimes I get bored and doodle in the margin during lectures. Here is today's doodle.In all honesty I'm not exactly sure what I've drawn here. Any help interpreting the drawing will be greatly appreciated.

Oh. My. God. Spiderman 3

What a fuck up of a film. It was a decent film, but the first thing I said after I saw it was "I think I liked it". I don't want to go too deep into spoilers (so I can attempt to be vague at least), but let's just say Peter Parker the emo years is horrible film in a film that could be very easily split up into four films. It was just unintentionally hilarious (almost a parody of the film) with a montage with Peter Parker being all emo (I thought at one point he might write some poetry!), and the evil black suit that bizzarley makes his hair emo. But he just becomes such a shit I just didn't care about Peter Parker anymore (in particular a scene in a jazz club was just plain horrible, and bizzare), he might as well go fuck himself for all I cared.

Harry Osbornes's butler has to be my new favourite character, he provoked unintentional giggles in the cinema from the line "I loved your father" and just happened to wait two fucking films to tell something to Harry that might of ended him being all bitter and twisted. The necessary Stan Lee cameo was horrible, a British reporter in the dramatic (probably) battle was another aspect of the film that was unintentionally hilarious. It's wasn't a shit film, it just frustrated me at how much it was fucked up of a film. I haven't been this frustrated about a film this much since X-men 3.

So in conclusion I might have liked the film more if the middle third of the film was deleted. Oh well it gave me and my friends enough to sustain a rant all the way during the half hour walk home. Thanks for enabling the ranting Sam Raimi at least.

Here's a video just for Peter Parker entitled 'Must be an emo'
This song was running through my head during the film.

Friday, May 04, 2007

#Furnishing idea of the week#

Did you know that Hardy is the 236th most common surname in the UK? And also happens to be mine? Well that fact has inspired my latest (and admitedly first) furnishing idea of the week. Simply find a cardboard box from a supermarket for a brand that is happens to be your surname as well as the brands name, and voila, you've got a great looking DVD stand.I've even been applying my furnishing ideas to other bits of tat I find around the house.Now to find my hard core pornography, or should that be Hardy core pornography?